apologetically dressed in the best

sleep is only for people who don't need it

2011-07-27T01:41:00.003-05:00

cannot possibly lower my standards for friendship any lower without having any and yet still facing day to day disappointments. i don't think i ask for a lot. it doesn't matter if i did- it wouldn't be heard anyway.

fuck.

i hope i am never desperate enough to talk to you again- it is borderline always your lucky day and borderline always my worst. i don't know if i would be happier with the attention you'd mask as only for me or if i would be playing russian roulette every day waiting for you to fuck me over again. whatever.

was i supposed to learn a lesson this life? all i've learned is how to get continually put on the back burner and burned. both out of sight and out of my mind. i'd like a restart at any time.

speaking of restarts- i keep giving second chances only for them to die on the same level as they did before. bummer.

the end of a chapter but a new one starts next page

2011-07-01T23:43:00.014-05:00

if everyone is different why does it always end the same? love is something you don't recognize when you're young and you don't appreciate until you're old. cupid is the last fairy tale adults believe in before they give up. i want to write a better story than the ones i've been fed about love. i would say i don't believe in love but then i think about the old couples that have been married 40 years- that fight and panic because the other wanders too far away to the next aisle at the grocery store. that's love and nothing else comes close. it just sucks that love can't be found when you are young enough to enjoy it. all i've learned about is being burned enough to know the sound of the match striking the surface. what it's like to have sore knuckles from knocking on wood every time you said it would last. the disappointment of pulling at the last straw and it sucks. the finality of the door closing shut after an inevitable exit. the emptiness of a fully furnished room when you come home to silence. the click at the end of that last phone call. the smile you reassure people with when you say you're doing great, and nobody cares enough to notice you're lying. i could use a tune up but all i get is tuned out. after a while you care as much as the people around you do- so you learn to not care at all.

that said. for those of you feeling like your life is a waste because every time you think you found love you've found yourself alone or because another year goes by with no answer to the questions you have- you are here for a reason. your plan doesn't have to be a monument or end up in the history books, it might just be a pebble thrown on the waters of life that slowly creates a ripple affect to people around you. you are always here for a reason. the harder you expect the reason to be bold and big, the more frustrating it will be when it isn't. don't let it be. it might be a lesson to learn, it might be something you do 20 years from now. its not always obvious and it's not always known right away. have faith that you'll figure it out some day- have faith and you will.

it's been a while since i wrote in here and it probably will be until i do again. i like attempts to make my heart and hopes shatter, it somehow hits my brain instead and breaks the writers block. make me feel like i don't matter and i get the motivation to show that i do. it's a little fucked up but it is how those blank white pages become full.

leave your fingerprint on the world: but when has the cement already dried?

2010-11-23T20:38:00.003-06:00

i wish people put a little thought into what they were saying before they said anything. the sequences of consequences. i've become so detached i could let anything go right now and not feel a thing. no- i don't want to be like that but i am and looking back at how it felt to care about anything and anyone? i kind of like it. i don't know what has happened to me but i want to live without pressure, without a schedule, with time to write out the ideas in my head that aren't "boring" and "all the same", to keep dropping weight and dropping baggage. to drop boundaries, both natural and man-made ones. to see the best in people that have turned their lives around and to see the worst in people i should stay away from. there are people to be shy around and people to shy away from. some people make mistakes, some people are mistakes. i like to think i'm not the latter. i like to think i haven't started doing anything i was meant to do and i'm on the right path to figuring out exactly what that is. i'd like to think there's more to this world than being a stranger's fading memory.

my heart is ticking down to my last day

2010-11-06T23:31:00.002-05:00

torn between proving the world wrong and somehow overcoming obstacles or making one person suffer by never writing again- never giving them anything to hold onto or emulate (they get it wrong anyway, everything they do). logic and being realistic, the truth that kills that spark of hope in your eyes. at some point you give up- you stop believing in magic and in yourself. life loses the shine that draws you to it. life stops being a never-ending journey with twists and turns and unlimited possibilities and it just becomes... something you have to get through to end up somewhere better. life turns into something with only one path leading to one outcome: an inevitable dead end with no u-turns. there are some days you don't expect to make it out of, and by the time your body hits the bed you realize tomorrow can't come soon enough- but why are we looking forward to a new day when it's going to be a repeat of the next. is there a point? what can you really do to change your life in a matter of a day? unless you suddenly come across a large amount of money or you drive out of town and start your life over tomorrow is just another day. i used to see the bigger picture but now i've found myself waiting this life out to get to the next one. chances gone and feeling wiser by feeling nothing.

congratulations- this is the one time i will give you attention. your existence is a contradiction because you don't- you exist by not existing, this is how you make a living: by dying. by making yourself as insignificant as possible and using it as your campaign slogan to get voters buying into your bullshit. you're making yourself miserable to feel something, to feel pity and needed because you can't get love and affection by being yourself. that's too boring isn't it? if you are miserable you have company, you don't have anyone when you're happy again. if nobody is worrying about you then how can you know they care? and if you let yourself be happy you'll lose it anyway, right? that girl you've been harassing to date you won't stick around when she realizes there's nothing underneath the surface, and the girls lonely enough to love you online will stop answering your HELP ME PLZ ims when they get tired of the same thing every other day. outgrow this soon before people outgrow you. you'll become a fad just like your mood, if you're even liked enough to be a fad in the first place. it gets old and so will you. crying wolf all the time nobody will take it seriously when it really is the final curtain- what a hairy situation.

i will get past this writers block, but i will never let you know it when i do.

the things we never finish and how they can finish us: part two

2010-07-23T00:53:00.002-05:00

it always takes the worst moods for me to write one of these. i think by now nobody will even think to check it. the past few days i realized no matter how hard i try to make anyone happy- i cannot and i will not ever make anyone happy. my life is a circle that cuts through jagged rocks and cactus plants continually, only occasionally will i stumble on some sort of oasis in the desert. i used to wonder how i made it this far, why there are people dying all around me and on the news and why it's not me. why am i so special i get to live and waste my life while important people doing something with theirs die? (rip nate henn). no really, why? it still does not make sense to me. maybe it means my purpose has not been achieved, but i think i just slip under the radar unnoticed.

if you cry and youre alone nobody hears your tears but you. this is both good and bad. bad because you do, and you realize no one else cares enough to. and good because the only people that would be around to hear it would be the ones to make you cry more in the first place. all that can come to mind is how can you kick a friend when they're already down? what good is pushing everyone away if the one person you let in through the cracks is the one that breaks you completely? the one that gives you a tear stained tattoo.

this is not the life i wanted, i should have gave up years ago. growing up i had so many dreams- had so many goals. i wanted to be a writer so badly. i wanted people to like what i wrote- to want to read it. i wanted to touch lives and make them feel better when they read my books somehow. to get lost in a fictional world because reality is impossible to escape. but now ive come to accept that i have made too many bad choices, and took the lazy route for far too long. i will never become anything i wished to be. anything i could have done then i cannot do now. i think i was an awful person in a past life and i am unable to turn things around in this one no matter how hard i try. i hope one day that you look back on the time you knew me, and you remember only the good and you will miss me.

i am unstable, i am determined, and i am a mess. having nothing to lose means having nothing to leave behind. nothing to tie you down. for all the weight on my shoulders i can fly free if i want. and yet still i stay for the simple hope that you turn things around before its too late, and you will see the good in something i cant even see anymore. this either makes me really smart, really dumb, or really unforgettable. i only wish it was the latter.

but in case i do fly away, here's some old things i wrote. it will probably be all i ever can manage to get out:

http://butitsmydestinytobethekingofpain.blogspot.com/

theres a constant battle of fight or flight going on at all times

2010-02-21T23:39:00.003-06:00

sometimes im okay with the thought of dying and being a spot on your conscience for my after life.

who i relate to more shifts with how i am treated.

2010-01-28T21:17:00.002-06:00

"a kid is like a puppy, you kick one around enough it starts to feel like its done something wrong." one meal today and im still not hungry again. did my body suddenly forget i need food to live or are other things just on my mind? i get that whole "every time you go away you take a piece of me with you" thing, but do people continually feel like something is missing or do they get over it and become stronger? i sit here trying to process what just happened and there is no logical explanation for it. i could scrape every corner of my brain or even yours for some sort of reason- something to close my eyes easier at night besides magnolia bark and tylenol pm- but i know there isnt a reason that has anything to do with me. that alone makes things easier and more complicated at the same time. do i play the victim or innocent bystander caught in a crossfire? i feel empty and not just my wallet. but that is a big part of it. if this was some sort of way to liberate yourself all you freed yourself from was the only person that was dumb enough to care about you. money doesnt grow on trees but fools with money seem to keep falling out of them. tv shows shouldnt feel like a punch to the gut. neither should friendships. unless you are tyler durden. im watching what i say, a few cheap digs might leave you six feet under. everything happens for a reason, so if im quiet for a while- im trying to find it. but thank you. i mean it. its a lot easier to hate you than like you. its also a lot cheaper, too.

more humid than human

2009-10-07T01:44:00.003-05:00

life sucks and everyones heard it, they've lived it, even those born with a silver spoon in their mouth eventually will find a way to gag on it. but don't expect a helping hand to be reached out from day one to day none for anything but to slap you and shove you back down. to point a finger at you, to place the blame on another s(h)elf. think of the walmart black friday sale where the poor employee got trampled to death. you are a welcoming mat in front of a door that holds opportunity behind it. you will be in the way. you won't be noticed as a human being but as a tool for means of advancement. you will be stepped on. you will have footprints and scars, you will feel pain and regret long after your name is forgotten. the more you cry the harder you die. the bigger target you become. this is everything in the world that's hidden behind wallpaper, behind painted pictures of flowers that won't ever die on ink that will slowly fade. deteriorate. it's whats been painted over but chips in time. fill pieces of nothing into the sockets and pretend that theres still a light on upstairs, but all the activity is going down and out. its the ground we pave over and build streets on, its the muddy bodies of water with murdered bodies in water. nobody wants to hear about the bad times, nobody wants to hear about the good times unless there is material or status gain. unless they get a piece of the action. a line in your will and then a will for their line. there is sunshine somewhere but you have to get through the darkest days to see it, through the coldest people to feel any warmth. i used to see the beauty in the world, what made my vision get blurry? or am i seeing more clear now, now that i can see how ugly and selfish it is? this is truth, and it is rough. there's something wrong with me to look forward to an epidemic, to hope i get h1n1 just to cough on you. to watch the world die, the good people along with the bad because there's no savior that can tell the difference when he looks in our eyes, when he has a conversation with us. every single person i thought would heal wounds made more. blood should become a new accessory, it does no good on the inside. this is my karma and i'm going to suffer it out for a few days like a bad cold. but i will get over it, and i will get by. reverse "oz"mosis, where the color fades and the world is black and white. good and evil. no in between. its so simple when you realize the world is only out to finish you. think of it like a video game, one challenge after the next and each only gets tougher despite how much experience you gain. sometimes you even have to start over. and people complicate the journey more than they help it. they try to slip the blindfold over your eyes and pretend that its not the curtain call. but no, it's not cold outside because its seeping over from how you are on the inside. the sun is not going to shine tomorrow just so you can see your way to another way to fuck me over. the end of the tunnel has a light, and its started by a match, and a couple is a match, and a match starts a fire, and a light is a fire. can you twist everything you want to sound how you want it to? my words fall off your ears and you only hear your own. but you are a tiny pebble in a pile of rocks. have you done anything significant? will you? you like me the most when i hate everything about me. well, sorry. there are not light switches to emotions, there is only a hope that starts to dim and a memory that starts to fade. you forget the details in time. and the world does not revolve around you but fuck. i'd be lying if i said it hadn't stopped for a second at one point, back when i did still care about you. it stopped long enough for me to get a good enough look at you and show you gravity in the form of turning my back on you. i still carry the knife wound, it's a reminder, much better than any post it note or blackberry alert. there are paul bearers waiting on bridges and rooftops like ambulance chasing lawyers. we may waste forever trying to find the good in life. we may waste the good in life trying to find forever. i lost my wide eyed innocence somewhere in between.

The kind of friends that steal flowers from another grave to leave on yours.

2009-08-08T20:56:00.006-05:00

Phase 2. I've finally reached phase 2 and I have never wanted to have to face it yet. Dreaded the day even. Detached. It was a blue print in a master plan I thought would be cool to have but now it has been put into action. I thought I would be more excited than I am for this. I feel like this is a video game and I've leveled up but I'm sitting here thinking "what the fuck" in my new environment, facing the same enemies who have grown stronger, wondering if I have as well... but each tear and bruise making me doubt it. My hit points and health meter are down to a dangerously low level. Recovering feels more like a year long rehab than a simple power up around the corner. There's a reset button in my head and someone found out where and pressed it while pushing all my other buttons. Blinking and napping have never felt like such a restart as this suddenly has, but this one will probably be wasted as well. Make promises to see how creatively they can be broken. Sitting outside I feel a million miles out of my own skin, staring up at birds that probably are as frustrated at the lack of direction in their escape routes as I am. The frustration brings me to tears if I let it. But I swear to God it feels like I haven't blinked in an hour. I can't hear my own thoughts over the beating of my heart. Maybe it is a defense mechanism. Can you still see the beauty in a dying flower? Has it died with you? The whole field has turned to wilting gold. It smells like tomorrow being filtered through yesterday. The air is thick and warm, it feels as if it's been breathed in and out until it doesn't make sense anymore. Shelved out. Every buried doubt reaching up from the ground and pulling at my ankles with skeletal fingers. Resurfacing behind my back. Making sure I haven't forgotten I don't belong where I want to be. Or anywhere.

I blame myself for everything, still taking all the blame doesn't fill this emptiness.

Replaced. Shipped. How I feel no longer matters, and the only time my feelings were paid attention to were long enough to make sure I knew how little I mean to you. Got it (or technically, don't). I shut off the part of me that feels anything. What I could never do to you. You think I would learn by how easily it has been done to me over and over, but I will never understand how to restock someone who means something to me. How long have you had this replacement waiting? When the new me breaks down or isn't as colorful as what you expected me to be, maybe I will be here.

Attachmeant. This is NOT what you do to me but what I let you do to me.

And honestly, I am destroyed. Nothing but now complex mechanics that are in temporary or permanent disarray. I lost a part of me, and I don't think I want that part back.

Happy now?

your third wheel has been derailed.

2009-08-02T12:03:00.002-05:00

the cleaner my apartment looks the more crowded my head feels. i wish it was as easy to clear my head as it was to delete files or clean up trash and throw it away. i want to dump out a bunch of old cache and pretend i dont know better because i dont have permanent files waiting to be brought up again. just pretend the things said and did to me years ago just didnt happen and arent fresh in my mind if i just think back. i want to honestly approach things with an irreplaceable innocence and wide eyes but even then i know ill be crushed harder and memories are just cushions to stop the fall. guess blogging is the closest way to clear your head but then you can always reread it and then its always more puke than therapeutic. i want to forgive you but i dont know which personality of yours to start with. that would have made it easier, you know, if you had kept to one persona. "please give a little respect to me" most people ask for it, beg for it even. not demand it. in a world of upset stomachs and unearned tears i dont think ive ever heard anyone demand it. theres a song to fit every single person and some people are just remixes. overplayed. summer jams. bsides. one hit wonders. hits from 10 years ago.

i should be trying to write a book right now. im sick of failure and mediocrity. i keep complaining about my life and where i am but only i can change that. i cant keep getting new ideas and letting old ones be replaced by each new one because its an endless circle. nothing is getting done. i need to stop making excuses and start making something of myself. the sad thing is i can get out of this slump if i TRY. basically ive been sitting in a ditch with the ladder to get out right next to me, but ive been waiting for a more expensive one to drop in because the one i have doesnt look good enough. i talk myself out of stepping onto it cos it might somehow break. i want something sturdier. but still, even sitting six feet under every single day i realize how lucky i am to have nothing physically wrong with me. i do thank god for that. i can walk, i can see, i can hear, i can dress myself, its dumb to be thankful for things like that but some people dont have what you take for granted. you can only be what you were born with, what you were given to work with. wanting to be anyone else is useless. change and try new things that interest you until you find who you are, but dont pretend to be someone else. pep talk yourself into believing in you and all you can be. never settle. that is part of why i wanna make it, because i want to show that you can make it if you just never give up on what you have and who you are.

and for the record, i really do love i am legend. read it. it will make you want to be the last person alive instead of dreading feeling like you are.

ps- oh and i watched iron man yesterday and loved it. hulk sucked but this made up for it, it doesnt take a lot in a super hero movie to make me happy. "proof that tony stark has a heart". cheesy, but i loved the whole thing.

until i get back into real posts...

2009-04-06T00:52:00.002-05:00

http://twitter.com/lastpersonalive

i need a new one of these or none at all

2009-02-20T23:21:00.007-06:00

post im most likely to disguard in a few days but i might delete this whole thing anyway. not sure.

movies ive dusted off (i never get around to watching movies) and finally watched for the first time this week:
-se7en was pretty good.
-gone in 60 seconds was slightly better than fast and furious mostly because it kind of had a plot. kind of.
-click was pretty good but stopped being funny and got pretty sad actually. or maybe im overly emotional right now. i dont think comedies are supposed to make you sad. i think i am programmed weird.
-the devil wears prada is better than i thought it would be but still not too great.
-the hulk sucked really bad i am not sure there was a point to it and normally i love super hero books. it had potential and edward norton. still not sure what happened there.

looking forward to xmen 4/prequel. it could be wolverine smoking a cigar for 3 hours whining and bitching and id be happy. i have no expectations for the film and cant possibly be let down.

this is probably the last post i will make here. i may or may not start a new blog. want a real place i can update.

you want what you dont have until you have it then you dont want it anymore. when you lose it you want it back.

i wish they sold focus and memories in pill form. i need to be more dedicated, stricter, and a hell of a lot less wavering.

gonna have my palms read again soon.

sometimes i depress myself with thoughts of things i cant control. i get hung up on being left out to dry. i want to take a vacation from my own head and maybe it would help with my writers block. sometimes i want to not feel anything again except for inspiration because i am in need of it. and i like when i can actually make other people happy. that is all that makes me happy anymore. being useful to someone else because im hardly useful to even myself anymore.

fact.

2009-01-09T20:59:00.006-06:00

it has been a while since i wrote in this, funny how this is what starts it up again.

i get that you may not have balls but that doesn't explain guts being missing. i should have seen right through you. i guess friendship to you is defined as how long you can keep someone around until their use is up or someone that has more to offer to you can place higher. acetaminofiend. social evolosetion. replacemeant. gotcha. loud and clear. glad i didn't have much to offer in your opinion because that would have meant someone like you would have been in my life longer. yuck. back to where we started, which is inevitably the end.

spotted more than a leopard and more sneaky than a snake. flakey like a snowstorm, thoughts scattered like pepper. you have winter in your center and fall in your steps. empty handed and hearted, i fall back to where i started.

i'm disappointed but not shocked.

totally unrelated, on a better note to someone who has become a better person over the years- i missed you. i think we could make a good team.

no day is a waste. no life is either.

2008-11-14T17:27:00.003-06:00

"you don't have to have a reason to live to stay alive." still we aren't sure if we have a reason to live or not while we still keep on living. waiting. sometimes the wait is reason enough. dying is being dead whether you're rich, famous, poor, known, or forgotten for years. money or lack of makes no difference. some people take no pity for the homeless, they're hopeless and homeless. they judge them as losers that are stuck without a place to live because they don't have a job- and they don't have a job because they don't WANT a job. they got an addiction so it's their own fault. their families don't want anything to do with them and that's their own fault too. they cut ties, move states, get kicked out of their homes, lose their homes or are evicted. yes. sometimes that is the case. but a lot of times, it's not. some of them are so rude, so hateful, that the only change you give them is changing your mind about helping them out. still a life is a life. no matter how you spend it, or how it's taken away.

home is where the heart is, but you can still have heart even without a home.

i'm a sucker for true stories, i like fact over fiction. i think to me it somehow has a bigger impact when it's actually happened instead of somebody thinking it up. there's a book i read a few weeks ago that was a true crime story. this couple named the copelands hired homeless people from a nearby mission to tend their farms. not to mention open bank accounts and write bad checks to buy cattle with. back then, nobody really did bad check scans or had a way to ask a bank if there was really $35,000 in this account, they took each other's word. afterwards, ray copeland would then would kill the homeless men with a single shot through the back of the head. the longest they got to live was til the next cattle sell or til the checks came in the mail. ray copeland had no remorse about what he was doing and couldn't care less because it was like he almost felt he was doing the homeless a favor. one painless quick shot to the back of the head instead of making it day by day asking for change and hoping to catch a lucky break. actually, the truth is from what i can tell, ray didn't care about anyone but himself. not even his wife and children. ray, after years of writing bad checks himself and taking the blame, thought he finally had a flawless plan to fuck the system. luckily, one wise homeless guy caught onto the loopholes in the story, and got away. he immediately told authorities, who at first had trouble finding bodies and any proof of what they were told- but soon after did. now the couple is/was on death row. oldest couple to ever make it on there. as i was reading it, it was funny how the guy that got away reminded me of this person right away.

you wouldn't want to be near him enough to hug him no matter how sorry you felt for him but you'd still give him your coat right off your back. beat up almost daily while being robbed by kids barely 15 or 16 outside of elementry schools, he kept going to the mission and sleeping every day. when telling of what happened and why he had a black eye or bruises, he would shrug it off as if he deserved what people did to him, as if it was a part of life he had to accept. it made me think of somebody kicking a puppy that can't defend itself. it was sickening to hear about. though every single day no matter what happened the day before he remained a nice guy- waking up and repeating his day the same way. never angry. he was an alcoholic drinking mouthwash and swearing it was for his teeth. 48 years old. used to work at subway, used to work at a dj station, now passing out in front of buildings with a bottle of mouthwash in his hand. he has a daughter somewhere. she either doesn't care or doesn't know how her father ended up, such as i don't even know where mine is- he could be homeless for all i know. it is just that someone somewhere down the line forgot family takes care of one another. he kept going the same ways, he knew his days were numbered and yet only counted the change he got each day to make it by. it's sad to think about life, i used to wonder how he kept going and why he kept going. instead of saving up, he'd use the money people gave him to buy mouthwash. once and a while food. he had a lot of money some days, he could have saved up and got back on his feet (even though the hospital amputated his toes instead of trying to save them last winter) but he chose not to. but i don't think anyone chooses to die. i don't think anybody chooses to be beyond saving they just somehow end up that way. there just somehow someway stops being that option. homeless. abandoned. dumped. rejected. but nobody wants to be hopeless. not even people that kill themselves. they just weren't strong enough.

life is short. there is no way to sugarcoat this: i see homeless people and i'm thankful that i have a place to live, i see disabled people and i'm lucky that i have both my legs and both of my arms, that i can see and i can hear, that nothing is wrong with me. i can't imagine how i would feel so i feel blessed to be able to not know exactly what it's like to really suffer. to be blind, to be in a wheelchair, to be without hearing. are you thankful for that? i really admire anyone who is disabled and still living every day, still making it through. anyone who is down and out on their luck but keeps waking up because they can. i don't think it ever really registers to anybody though, just how lucky they are to be alive and healthy until somebody almost dies. until somebody does die. then life suddenly becomes very short. i plan on spending a lot more time with my grandparents, a lot more time with people that if they died tomorrow, part of me would too.

whatever you do, just wake up and be thankful that you are reading this, that you are alive, and that you are doing well- even if you are dumped, rejected, suffering from a broken heart. be thankful even if you forget this tomorrow, be thankful for today. and god really doesn't give us more than we can handle until we stop trying to. so don't stop trying.

"you are a good person, you know that?"

r.i.p alan.

it feels good to know that no two people were born alike.

2008-10-26T22:24:00.005-05:00

and that i will never run into another you again.

a lot of things are ironic, such as many people after a break up insist on proving "i am doing better off without you" what's funny is that would mean they still care enough to point it out. but just for the record- i really am. it's nice to finally get to that point where no one crosses you anymore, just your mind.

unrelated:
dear mountain dew and pepsi co; please stop making new flavors i will get hooked on only to stop making them. it kind of sucks.

decided to settle for "enough" of your heart instead of it all

2008-10-09T04:20:00.000-05:00

tonight i made another promise to myself that i know i won't keep. somehow i stay on my toes with my back turned. i think i've got it all in my hands as pieces fall away every day like breadcrumbs leading back to the old me, to the way i used to be. might as well be invisible, every attempt made to be irreplaceable goes unnoticed. more replaceable each day instead of less. i'll always just be the reflection in the glass over someone else's picture. a fix but not a solution. not an answer. temporary. go back to church because i don't have a prayer? a thought in the back of your head behind the one that matters more. "you should be glad you're there at all" but there's no proof of that. more pressing, not to you just on me. gambling with luck. a second two late. i should have i could have i didn't i can't. i'm not. never will be. i'm glad i'm not her- fickle and fictitious. but i kind of wish i had whatever she does that gets you to care. i have all the words to say but none you want to hear, there's nothing for me to offer you that you want to see. it's a choice: settle or be settled on- the only two options there are. try to remember me when you forget who you are.

seeing "ERROR" logged in from your blackberry is never good

2008-08-09T01:23:00.000-05:00

weird how the randomist things put a whole new perspective on how you see life. and how luck is based on how happy/unhappy you were before it hit you. i have taken advantage of people without meaning to, i am selfish for no reason but i am aware and i am sorry. nothing is useful if its not being used, no matter how important it is. blankets must hate the summer. weird how something with so much importance is only useful some of the time. i am lucky, and even better? i am thankful. and no they're not the same, not even close. you can tell someone how they should feel but never what they feel. sometimes it takes being in a different position in the situation to see it clearly. i have and i am more sorry for ever doing that than you could know. this is the point of the movie where all the tricks are revealed and you feel stupid for missing them- but luckily it is far from over and there's still some time to make things right.

what happened to the me i used to like

2008-06-16T01:55:00.001-05:00

We are raging a cold war in 90 degree weather. My own thoughts are just above my head and so are all of my goals. I forgot my own plans to make some, my own friends to break some, and bad habits to fake some. Alternative title: The world is a funny place. This is me trying not to give a damn anymore. Its easier to hate a familar face than someone you don't even know exists or not. They dry paint and still try to change it. They hang a picture on the wall and blame the furniture in the room for how off it looks. They spend billions of dollars to design and print new money that counterfeiters can't copy yet let the old money still circulate. We are walking backwards facing forward. We are toasting with butter instead of wine. I fixed my grammar only to be thrown the thesaurus. I am just a one line newbie that walked out onstage during the wrong scene. Upset stomach vs. no spine. You got guts baby but its only from fast food. Growing up most of my favorite songs were by bands that only had one hit song. And most of my critics turn out to be wrong. Like how they call it "constructive" but it only tears you down? Yeah, be average, be quiet, be a number, be forgotten. I don't recommend this to anyone. Don't try this at home. Blend in or give in. Kiss your own scraped knees now. Just don't turn out like me.

wolverine and dr. jean grey

2008-05-11T22:13:00.008-05:00

this has no ending and it has no real beginning.
my head is just a mess right now.
"i am living inside of a song that has not been written yet, but when it has been i can be set free."
it makes sense and it doesn't. it just depends who is listening. and if anyone is, ever.
your hand always feels cold but i'm not sure mine feels anything.
does anyone anymore? or are we all trying too hard?
being lied to makes it easy to stop loving someone, because they're not the person you loved anymore.
i'm surprised dating ads don't read: i want to meet someone that is real.
but no one wants the truth until they're lied to.
we all have a mind of our own, it just doesn't feel that way when you want to go against the crowd. you can feel the stares, the glares, the arguements ahead of time.
and we sit and rot like useless decorations outside of a useless place with useless people walking by our useless lives.
swing your feet and stories, turn the tables and stomachs.
not everyone likes you, but not everyone hates you.
you will lose more than you'll ever win in life.
people don't fall out of love if they were ever really in it, they just change their minds.
like love is a cigarette that has almost burned out, and you don't know when you are taking the last drag. and when it's time to burn another one.
another definition of love is what they need to look up.
"yeah, i don't love you but i could if i knew you..."
..or, maybe it's that i know you too well and that is the problem.
like every time they blink you expect a change of emotions.
some people can do that. i am not one of them.
i hang in there until the bitter end. through that and past it, too. i deserve whatever i get just for being so fucking gullible.
she only wants me when there is a smile on my face but she never put it there herself. can't remember an effort or her trying to.
however, that said;
she finds it logical to get mad at the one person that can.
she wants me to smile but then she kills it if she wasn't the reason for it.
why would i even want to talk to her anymore?
...
i'm afraid to die alone, even though i've made it this far on my own.
we lie to be someone we think will be liked, and when it doesn't work we're stuck being that someone we don't like.
i smile because this sounds familiar, and i can feel it coming.
not because i'm happy.
i am happy without you but do i want to be happy?
happy is boring.
happy doesn't sell.
i'm not even sure what the newspaper said this week about us, i'm not even sure i'd want to read it.
it all ends up in the gutter anyway, or in a bird's nest as filler.
they are all watching, judging, preying/praying and making a life of their own out of those that do have one.
i feel like throwing up.
do you ever feel like you are a waste of life?
walk in a hospital and think again.
walk in a graveyard and think again.
there are people begging to live another day and you're throwing it around, playing with a match by gasoline.
i didn't love her. i don't love anyone. i never have.
i don't think i ever will. will i?
being in love with someone that doesn't love you back is basically letting them write a book and make the main character you.
it makes you feel like a waste if you're not happy enough being in their life. not being their life.
somewhere along the way strings just started to look better than rings anyway.
there is the comfort of being attached either way.
funny, i know. how someone that talks so much about love can have anything to say when they've never really been in it.

i wrote this like in january 2006

2008-04-28T02:21:00.000-05:00

digging through my old lj which i was trying to clear out.. i saw this and thought it was too good to just delete. funny how some of it has changed but most of it hasn't:

"dear world-
i'm one li(n)e away from a slit wrist and one tear away from drowning myself. my last thread is being sown into my coffin, my funeral attire. did i ever tell you how a smile is just waiting for the truth? rock bottom looks like it'd be nice from down here. this is the lowest low. i promised myself i'd live to at least write a book but i'm running out of words. running out of motivation. drained.

i don't have time to do anything but waste my life.

and this isn't even a life.

sitting online waiting to hear a new rumor about yourself from a new person you've never even fucking met or talked to is hardly living. oh, what will it be this time? i wish someone would make up something cool about me like i shot jfk or i used to use dinosaurs as flesheating death monsters. but no. only lame internet ones. if you could see behind the computer screen we're all equally losers to give this much a shit about anyone elses' lives or our own lives online. if you have to sit around telling rumors about someone, you're no better off than the person you're talking shit about.

and no. i'm running on empty, on a tank that can't be filled anymore. out of ambition and under suspiousion. tired of proving myself and tired of the lies. sometimes you start to give up the fight, you're fighting a losing battle and losing time doing it. sometimes you realize there isn't a reason to live and your eyes well up with tears- at least it hides the fact they're bloodshot. you're not what they say, and there's no way you can ever prove it.

my nine to five isn't just work it's a tylenol count. tylenol is a momentary relief. sleep is a break from the world, wake up at 9am to clock into more drama. no one ever thinks about what they're doing to someone else until there's someone else's blood on their hands. if you caused someone to kill themselves would you even feel remourse, guilt? no one ever stops to think about the words they say and how someone else might react to them. no one is cement. we're all fragile and willing to be broken. you tell yourself, "they're not worth it" and to live on- but what are you living for? more rumors? more lies? another fight just waiting on the next thread? the next entry?

sometimes i just want to unplug the computer but some of the best friends i have i've never met. some of the best friends i've ever had i never will meet.

someone at work today asked me if i had a black eye. i should have said "if you think i look bad you should see the other person," but it's just anemia. i like this lightheaded feeling. if i pass out at least i know i'm not missing out. for now a cold bed and a cold fate await me. sometimes i just wish the latter would come sooner than the first."

but i'll change my mind on how i feel about you in 5 minutes anyway...

2008-04-19T22:41:00.005-05:00

for the worse..
..then better.
then bad again.

"let the stories be told,
let them say what they want."

and oh yeah, the backburner still has heat.

more people are jealous of us than you realize, and we're not even an "us"

2008-04-13T21:25:00.003-05:00

overheard. the good days are getting shorter and the bad days are dragging on longer. the ability to control how i feel is also getting weaker, along with my heart. things that make me happy are as simple as silver coins from before 1965 and as complicated as you. funny how the first to speak up is the only one that matters. i took the wrong approach by not having one at all. oh well. funny how the things that keep me hanging on are also pushing me over the edge. i like how i entertain my time thinking about how i'd handle things differently that aren't in my hands in the first place. you will be married with kids and i will become an image that only enters your mind on the tv or the book shelves. a household name without a household. without a hold. i'll lose my mind to share it with everyone else. yes, i am sure someday someone will be quoting me, reading my writing to get through a tough time like i once went through before- but will it really matter if i don't have anyone loving me, if i don't have anyone to get me through the tough times i have now?

yeah, it really will. and that's the only reason i still exist through everything telling me i shouldn't.

2008-03-30T23:44:00.000-05:00

"somethings are more important than being happy. like being able to think for yourself."

today ends weeks of trying, weeks of being a puppet, a collared and curious puppy, leashed and tugged back right before i get what i want. see our friendship was worth it, the only problem is you're not. how many chances are too many? when chances start becoming risks.

started reading again- hopefully reading will remind me details are not that hard. james patterson is probably the best influence i could have, he reassures me chapters don't have to be 30 billion pages long to get what needs to be said said. and to get published, though my main concern is having the books read and loved, not money in the bank. wish me luck, you may hate me but i promise you'll love my writing, and that's all i've ever cared about. my writing being read and related to. i want to prove you can do whatever you believe you can do. more people just need to hear "you can" over all of the cants and wonts. and sometimes i am still one of them.

yawns echoing in an empty room in an empty head

2008-03-25T02:01:00.000-05:00

There are times where you wanna ask "Do you really like her or are you just bored" but you don't because you don't want to know the answer. Have I ran out of time or gained more? Honesty will kill us all. And all heros are alone until they've made a name for themselves. No one cares about construction of the building just how tall it stands at the end. Just the final product. And losing you was like gaining a clear view of how it really is, how it never really was. No hand to hold at all but no hand to hold me down or back. Losing you was like realizing you were never there in the first place. So how do you miss something that you never even had? A year ago you were just like how I am now, and now you hate me for it. Funny how when the table turns you forget what side you are on. Ill probably delete this in the morning..

well its good to know you never really existed

2008-03-06T21:28:00.005-06:00

i no longer have to miss you or hold any regrets about it.
the mystery was a lot better when it was unsolved.
now i get why people say there's sometimes a calm in all the chaos-
tranquility in finding out bad news.
the worst is over.
it's bad but it's done. it's a solution, not a problem anymore.

he had it wrong- the sun only comes up to humilate the moon.
constellation- not like star but more like prize.

for as fucked up as i am, some people get me.
some people relate.
but no one will ever understand you.

at least i know when i close my eyes at night, theres only one person underneath them. i hope someday you can say/stay the same.

I love when I hear "_____ makes me think of you"

2008-03-04T16:10:00.002-06:00

I like to be thought of. Good or bad should be in my control but it isn't. Blah, get over being sick just to be a whole new kind of sick. Feeling like I'm breathing through a cotton filled chest. Kind of like a carebear or some stuffed animal. Tired button eyes that can't shut also sums up my sleep pattern or lack of. Ugh.

I've learned if you live your life in fear then you're not really living. Someone gave me some homemade candy thing today. Fear of it being poisoned is not the same as above haha. No offense but its kinda at the bottom of the trashcan. Fear of dying can keep you alive sometimes. Sometimes.

i would still go see genesis in concert even if i was this sick

2008-02-18T20:55:00.009-06:00

funny how "you should try my shoes on for size" comes from someone that wears shoes my size- and i can see exactly where you are coming from without even having to.
in with no outs-
spongelike insides.
actually things are exactly like they seem.
i love you for being here for me even when i'm not completely here myself.
currently my head feels like a boombox that you cant hear through the speakers anymore but still blares music on the inside.
like if i blow my nose it might change the radio station or make the song skip.

"i almost believed you"

2008-02-17T01:17:00.003-06:00

i cant sleep anymore. im tired at times when i cant sleep and awake when i can. when you're living in a world where anything can be faked, how can you tell what's real? i cant control anything about myself anymore. the closest thing to a reset button on life is either a.) a makeover b.) moving out of town or c.) forgiving. i hate relating to songs that have nothing to do with what i'm feeling. i hate feeling remorse for letting go of things i don't want back. see what i mean? this is why i can't sleep..

cant decide what to do with short stories i write that aren't full novels- post them online or compile them for a book of short stories? im not so worried about the profit as i am the product. if people are reading it and like it i got what i wanted out of it.

blah. i wish i had someone else making decisions for me for the first time in my life.

now i am going to try to sleep. goodnight

i know you miss me without you saying a word- your lifestyle shows it because it isnt half as good as it was with me.

2008-02-09T18:06:00.000-06:00

"and yeah. i'm doing well," i would say if you ever asked, "but i still remember you."
good ties/times.

compassion for the people that mow grass for a living during winter,
compassion for the snowblowers that fight to get temporary jobs during the summer.
helping to be helped, not to actually help them.
the way "how are you"s always turn into it being about the person that asked. how they are. and on and on.
one plus one can sometimes equal a negative answer.
the way maps dont really take you anywhere you want to go.
understanding you're not ink on a paper but you ARE just a statistic-
unless you stand out.
and sometimes even then you're still just a statistic.

i like being related to, not relationships. at least not any i've seen yet. i like to read, but not reading into things. but i still do.

six feet under buried in the back of my mind, scratching the surface does not equal scratching the lid of your coffin.

fuck. maybe we are meant to take our time. eachothers.

i dont even know who this is to. just random thoughts i have in my head. thank you for reading them.

yes- writers are egomanics and control freaks

2008-02-03T23:03:00.001-06:00

how do you let go of something.. of someone.. how can you really believe that bullshit that "its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" when you were better off without having felt that high and come crashing down? does that mean it wasnt love and it was temporary insanity? its not temporary if it never goes away. had a really fucked up dream last night where i realized i went wrong and the exact moment when- high school. actually even good dreams are always a good source of misery so maybe i should call it a nightmare. no one died or got hurt and nothing scary happened, but something i cant have did and waking up without it made me feel empty so it might as well have been a nightmare. the sad thing is this happens almost every night. burying yourself in memories is a way to die and not be forgotten- or at least not forget anyone else. and when you're living in the past you forget who you are anyway. blah. can i just fast forward to the future where everything is better than this? i mean it has to get better, right? i think that's the hope and thought that gets us through each day. even if it's full of shit. if you lose hope that things WILL get better, you'll just be another statistic that gave up too soon or maybe not soon enough. so if you ever have that hope? hold onto it.

your views are different than mine, and mine are different than yours.

2008-01-29T16:37:00.000-06:00

but neither of us are really wrong (unless you are tom cruise.) remember that next time you get mad at me for being different than you are.

not exactly sure where i fit in or if i do or if i ever will but i don't seem to worry about it as much as you do for me.

i dont believe the sun really rises anymore.

2007-12-26T00:26:00.000-06:00

the room got 5 degrees colder before you even left, and even colder once you were gone. now that the rose colored glasses gone my eyes have lost their shine, my heart has lost its hope. whether i move forward or not at this point is trivial. the last time i saw a spider crawling in the hallway i let it go on, for i know that i might not. life should be somewhere, if it doesnt exist within me. i shut the cover and every color image changed to gray.

am i more disappointed in the lies or in me for believing them?

2007-12-23T15:09:00.000-06:00

the way the sun radiates against the snow almost makes it feel like a bright stage light on a prop set built in 30 rushed minutes but i am still walking through it with the innocence of a child believing in santa, saying every line you want to hear as convincingly as i am convinced. like maybe they DID build rome in a day. like maybe that is all life really is, just fake props and fake people with scripted lines and blood about as real as fairydust. its sad there are people out there still unable to grow and learn from every experience and change from it as much as i have and for the better. thats the only reason i dont roll my eyes and retaliate- keep in mind the best revenge really is ignoring. letting negative people under your skin only keeps them on your arm. i dont get it. its not like im not trying to win a popularity contest or anything, if i was id be disappointed when i was sent home the second round. i am happy with the friends i have. sunday boring sunday. i want a quick way to drain every idea out of my head and into a spine. a success. i'm more impatient with myself than anyone else could ever be. i just cant wait to be above all the shit-talking and shit-stalking.

dear world,

2007-12-01T20:58:00.000-06:00

my mind is rotting away and i must apologize to you at once. i am sorry for the beast i have unleashed, for it is now spreading a trail of plague and fatigue wherever it goes. though what seemed like a good idea at the time months later has been exposed as the worst decision of my life. now the best intentions lay ruined in its path and eyes fight sleep after hearing the beasts repeated attempts at bonding with a human being during its mating call rituals performed on anyone that will answer. you know exactly what i mean, and if you dont you havent been paying attention. notice the flesh of a once good person with a gleam in their eye parish to expose the scarred and bleeding core thriving on dishonesty. "how can you not destory what you created?" "when it gets a life of its own." avoid this monster, it multiplies to conquer and destroy what is out of reach. turn your cheek while you still have your head on your shoulders. once you let it get under your skin this parasite will eat you alive one bite at a time until theyve taken the life from you. until you cant live without it. all we can do is ignore and avoid, hold our crosses up like garlic to vampires and our bibles under our arms like armor from athetists and pray that this demon returns to hell alone before we all go there first, hoping that hell turns out to be a better place than this. we can beat what we fear by becoming it- but i would rather keep my soul until i find the highest bidder. "i am a better person, i am a better person, i am better than you and what you put me through" the new pledge of allegance for america.

this will probably be deleted by the time i wake up.

taking lessons on saving money from the frequent casino gambler

2007-11-25T14:17:00.000-06:00

everything that happens in life is just a puzzle when you think about it. eventually all the pieces are found and fit- sometimes it takes weeks, months, years to find them all.. but eventually all the lies and truths of any event in your life will be uncovered and laid out in front of you. only then can you really move on from one puzzle to the next one. if a puzzle is finished but has a piece missing it will bug you until you find that piece or figure out what ever even happened to it, until it all makes sense and you can see the picture perfectly. then you can put it back in the box or the back of your mind. you can forget about it. sometimes you will wish you didn't have to have all the pieces and know what they built, or look back at the puzzle picture once it's completed. it rarely ever looks like it does on the box anyway and it's disappointing. unfortunately life is exactly like that.

"a lie keeps growing and growing until it's as clear as the nose on your face."

2007-11-25T07:15:00.000-06:00

some of us rework our gameplan when we realize we are not winning,
others just keep butting heads with brick walls using the same strategy that digs them deeper in the ground.

"i was this close to saying how i felt, instead i swallowed it for dinner."
besides since when did progress ever mean the same thing as regress?
"i ate the words because it's all i can keep down anymore."

take the weight off your shoulders before it becomes a pain in the neck.

"no man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar"

the shark is not only hunting but watched as well, and maybe eventually you will see its better to swim in your own waters and leave me be in mine.
animals are caged seperately at the zoo for a reason sometimes, i wonder if this is it.

life is a lot of becoming more understanding and clear headed- just not to the point anyone can see what you are thinking.

sorry for the cobwebs where emotions used to be that are growing since i left-
but its not my place to clear them and its not my place to ever go back to..
someday someone will.

sympathy to anyone that needs it, no one in particular. we can all relate:

sometimes its hard to sleep at night, i know, but think of it this way-
there was life before me so there will be life after me.
there were good times before me so there will be good times after me.
you smiled before me so you'll smile again someday even with me gone.
sincerely, i wish you the best of luck.

"only enemies speak the truth. friends and lovers lie endlessly"

goodnight.

sometimes there is someone good who can make you a good person- without changing you at all

2007-11-16T23:59:00.000-06:00

air has never felt so crisp and fresh.
i can feel it going straight through to the suffering.
sun has kissed my skin and youre just bitter enough to think thats all that has.
the air is so calm and cool that we should all feel even a little bit jealous.
letting go and getting rid of the cobwebs that have collected in corners of my brain i felt were best shut off.
back in the skin hung up months ago and stored while we were waiting for me to want to be me again-
then put your secrets there instead.
brainwashed clean with (a new) era.
slowly the words are becoming activists tearing down the writers block put up around my thoughts.
you werent ready for the monsters and chaos set free when you put the key back in the lock and let it all loose.
at first i didnt think i was either.
but all in all everything is as it should be.
somewhere my complaints are filing a complaint that there arent enough of them anymore.
finally, i realized i know somebody that really knows me and they still want to hang around.
a smile has not left my face in a week.

my life is kinda like a nickelback song right now

2007-10-26T21:13:00.000-05:00

good at first but then you get sick of it. and sometimes it gets old. but you never change the station when its on anyway.

its alright. i havent felt like myself or anything at all in a while anyway. and was happier that way. blah. im not worried about myself so much right now, more worried about write now. thats what'll always be there anyway if nothing else.

ps- those little voices in the back of your head aren't there to keep you company or to be your conscience, its because your gut instinct is always right even when you dont wanna hear it.

the near extinction of the half dollar piece vs the people struggling to save them

2007-10-03T11:22:00.000-05:00

why for some reason life suddenly makes sense after so many years of it not i'll never understand.

no matter what you hear: everyone lies at some point, at some time. not always- but not never. sometimes they won't lie to their wife, to their girlfriend, some people are honest to some and lie to others. it's all about trust- can you trust the person you're being honest to to handle the truth? if you can't, work on that before you get too close to someone and they hate you for lies you were only saying to try to protect what you didn't want to lose. if you risk lying about something to keep it, then you can risk being honest about it. that's something i have learned. in the long run it's easier to be honest if it's something or someone you care about.

another lesson: you shouldn't care if someone hates you. not everyone is liked. think of politions, they are voted in by the majority but not by everyone. think of famous authors, sometimes when you bring one up someone crinkles their nose at the name because they don't like their writing- but YOU do. there is nobody out there that is 100% liked. not even mary poppins.

people let things that other people say and do affect them because they care- it can be an anonymous comment with no baring, truth or backbone to it and it still gets to them, gets under their skin. me, i don't really care and i just avoid places where i'd be subjected to faceless insults on a screen. it's kind of sad you have to hide who you are when you say something on a COMPUTER behind a screen where nobody can punch you for the stupid shit you say but oh well. i think sometimes people are afraid people that like the person they are bashing will hate them for saying it, so they say it anon. makes sense if you think about it- why else would they hide?

it seems like people only hate what they dont understand or cant be. people start to hate what they want but don't or can never have. people hate people that can be what they want to be and have what they have. people hate something that is thrown in their face a lot by others, by screens be it computer or tv. they will pick apart the person thta they hates flaws to feel something other than jealousy and insecurities, to feel like maybe its not so bad they arent them even though the person they hate has something or some things they want. also people hate people that can get more attention than they can, if attention is what they want.

i dunno. i just wish the world was a little more sensible sometimes. i also think my lack of direction is what is leading me down the right path. and anyways, i bet everyone probably thinks by now that i am never going to write a book and it will never be done, but knowing i will do it and prove everyone wrong is what keeps me waking up every day, and sleeping easier at night. having the friends that support me on it doesnt hurt either. im not rushing it, i know it starts soon though and i think that helps not let things get to me too- cause yeah i'll have the last laugh when my book actually makes it to a printer.

love.

even the most boring people have at least one interesting story to tell

2007-09-20T23:34:00.000-05:00

you might be dealing out the cards but they are in my hand. not sure you can fly this thing any better than me but you are welcome to take the wheel and get me over my own head. so this is what its like on the other side of the tracks- almost got hit on my way over. glad i made it to see things from this view. the grass really is a lot greener but i'm not sure that matters. it's just healthier.

not sure what this means but tonight i think i am falling asleep with a smile on my face.. i think it means i'm too tired to feel anything but what the sleeping pill wants me to.

together wendy we'll live with the sadness, ill love you with all the madness in my soul

2007-09-16T12:22:00.000-05:00

a friend: im a pretty mellow, nice person but coke made me a heartless asshole
a friend: i mistook that for being confident at the time but yeah, that's what it was
me: so where can i get some coke?
me: lose weight AND be heartless. sign me up

hearts are a hope chest yet to be filled

2007-09-14T18:47:00.000-05:00

the victims, the guilty, the car crashes, the ambulances, the lawyers chasing after them and the bills that follow for weaks on end. its the new food chain, with teeth sharper than nails keeping down a coffin lid. life whirls by me and every second ends for someone else. money is the reason i have done everything and havent done anything at the same time. stable. like a deep setting stone in water sinking slowly to the bottom past any form of life. the way a lawyer will never get to wait by the phone. the way police will never have a slow night. people are asking for change next to a temporary jobs building- but they can make $100 a day just asking. a bird dead on the sidewalk, fresh dirt dug up in the graveyard and im so worried about how many tears i am going to cry tonight, and why the one second i finally think im happy it all has to come crashing down with one simple statement. i'm a moth to a flame for things that stand out, people and things that are different and it always gets me burned. just that warm and toasty feeling before its too much makes it worth it. true love is already mourning. she'll ask me how i am and i'll say "nothing". tears dried on pages i wrote to forget. i want to be the good thought inside your head not the one that leads to regret. read the dictionary to find the words to tell you exactly how i feel and came up short. any of the words and things said will never match up to the love you read about growing up so it will never matter to you. it will go unrecognized. love is just another four letter word because of this. labeled observations virtually extinct. because of pages written glued in the binding before i even picked up a pen. success cut short, oxygen tanks on empty. every bridge we get over another one comes up to pass. another obsticle i cant get over. i wish i could hide in the shadows of doubt that seem to hover above me and draw out more than mask. my brain is a yellow traffic light waiting to turn red and then green but it's just constantly flashing stuck on yellow. i have an unhealthy obsession with an era i feel i probably had a past life in. wish i was the typed to be 'weighed down' by emotions and able to cut them free when they got to be too much but only ever met those types. my heart isnt beating in this lifetime, its a clock ticking away out of time. the light on things around me are always on energy conservation mode. the room grows darker and darker and although ive had two days of sleep in one i feel like i havent had any. even a caged bird has wings, still loves its owner. a caged bird can make friends with its own shadow, with its own voice. can sing its song and still be heard and have a happy heart even if its a hallow one. a caged bird can still find a way to be happy the second it forgets freedom. wish i had stayed in bed with blankets and sheets over my head instead of words said. wish i had stayed inside your head and never became real. everything i wanted to do with my life is forgotten with one cold shoulder and one shake of the pills. youre the medication that makes me happy and i cant take it when i dont have you.

i want a love like the one in the notebook.

2007-09-07T22:24:00.000-05:00

we live in a time where we're literally running out of it.
for every ten things we accompish all ten will go ignored.
sick of half living and allways dying.
picked the one that didnt pick me.
i relate to movies more than i ever want to.
lost the ability to tell if caring or not caring is easier.. easier to do or easier on you-
they are pretty equal right now.
realizing you're alone and that is how it is always going to be.
for every idea i remember i think i forget ten..
pick up a pen because it won't let you down.
if no one will remember you at least no one will forget.
they call it suffocating and they're right, i just wish i'd choke.
you'll forget where you stand if you're head over heels.
i know, i have.
emptiness is a huge reminder of what you don't have. it seems obvious, but not until you think about it.

currently:
wanting to quit everything to accomplish your goals, at least the biggest one of them.
bit my tongue so much it hurts to talk. so i don't.
i never put anyone before you and maybe that's where i go wrong.
thinking- yes this is a feat that needs noted as it is not always done.
i was born to laugh last - this is a reminder.
writing soon. its really all i have.

im sorry.

i am trying to be a good person but then emotions get in the way of things.

2007-08-29T20:49:00.000-05:00

"silly thinker, everything great to be thought of has already been said. the earth has been around for centries. you've only been around for years. what makes you think you can make any difference?"

and so, we'll see.

"with the glass so dark they wont even know your name"

2007-08-27T22:35:00.000-05:00

every person you hate is who you secretly idolize by your actions. or you just hate who you idolize. you pay more attention to who you dislike than who you like. you pay attention to the boring and construct ways to tear them down. you are getting off on the fascinating reactions of the hate letters you send. its like if love doesnt work try the next strongest emotion. or is hate the strongest? hating was usually liking at some point, even if you dont ever remember when. consumed with matters that dont matter. if someone is wasting their life dont waste yours writing or worrying about it. really id rather you not. put the rest in interest and let things go. bring down the world by being happy. really. there is a lot to learn about standing tall when everyone wants you to be down. keep a smile on your face. dont ever let them catch you crying. thats the only way to win. now we've got the lesson but we still have to learn. turn the clocks ahead to 4am to get it done with. the microphone is always off when you tap it. the lights only turn on when you go. i know you from a mile away, i just wish it was more miles away. and that i didnt know you at all. scattered thoughts picked up by someone else. careless and carefree are essentially the same thing. you make your choices and you live with them? more like die with them. keep th/sinking sweetheart. my mind is a mess but at least its my own. flip another page in the book you are pretending to read. i got a book you can borrow- there is even a part dedicated to you, it's called "the end." write another page in the journal about your life you are pretending to live. to you it would be classified as romance or classic but that'd imply you know anything about love. you dont. you cant know what you havent learned anything on. my spirit is crushed just enough to keep it d/owned. there is a net but the dreams and butterflies slip through the strings. maybe we should stop trying to pull them. there is a dream waiting to be had but im always awake. there is a vision to see but i've never looked right at it. i blink to keep my life from flashing before my eyes. she only cares when there is a threat. when the wrinkles in the sheets arent on both sides. knives out but pointed at yourself. base it all on me. put down your guards and forget to pick them back up. broken walls and brick hearts. wear a welcome mat on your back or just get it tattoed. might as well. the secrets through cement, deep under the fingernAILS. resting what is left of this body over her grave years in advance. sometimes i really believe love is blind enough to see through this.

yeah maybe.

2007-08-11T16:33:00.000-05:00

i have pretty much decided my life right now is punishment for my life before. but okay? i get it? really. you can stop at any time and give me everything back unscathed. i'll actually be thankful for it all now instead of taking it for granted. anything has got to be better than meaning nothing to your everything. this is a one person convention and they are partying all over your spine. used to be on cloud nine but now i've got no rope for that kind of extension. like reading what other people write hoping for a mention- to be remembered the only needed pension. like throwing out dna hoping for no tension. like sitting trapped in a cellar waiting for attention. no chains but no hope. you could free yourself but you've been up there so long you forget how to get out. it would be nice to smile and remember you still can. it would be nice to break out a hammer thick enough for a wall built for one. it seems i'm the only one that can't find a way through it. my brain is someone else's and i'm just doing what i can until i get my mind back. it may be a while. pretty much it's just pages and mixed data awaiting file. can i love with what is left to love, but its not a lot. returned to sender but it back i never got. for now my fingers are bruised and bleeding, cut and retreating and life waits right outside that window. at least it waits, but who knows if we have that long. everyone else gave up hope on me, i guess to get past this all would be pretty dope of me.

finally figured out how "every breath you take" could be about death

2007-08-05T15:11:00.001-05:00

think of it as two parts.
as a spirit, a ghost, looking down on their spouse that lives on without them.
and the widows life is rendered impossible to live without them because they stay on their mind.
weighing on every decision,
every breath they take.
even subconsciously.
like the whole point of someone dying and becoming a ghost is they are a restless spirit..
miserable. unable to go to heaven and not in hell but still feeling like they are anyway.
the person they loved living on without them would be a reason to be restless. for their soul to become a ghost.
but i digress.. i kinda still hope its about stalking anyway.
probably thinking too much into it.
but sting was a teacher at oxford, so maybe he did too.

anyway..
you are supposed to live without regret.
you are supposed to take chances.
funny how it seems impossible to do both.
you are supposed to forgive and forget.
yet not regret.
yeah i'm just not seeing the logic, sorry.
two wrongs don't make you right.

all i can do is wake up every day and fall asleep at night.
the rest in between is never up to me.

finding comfort in finding old friendships and in losing old friends.

2007-07-29T12:46:00.000-05:00

there are millions of people out there, you might be one of them, but you're not one of a kind. you're not one in a million. if i want fucked over and lied to, i'm pretty sure a million other people would be glad to do the same things you have done to me. if you wanted to be unique and one in a million you could have been the one that didn't.

"our love's in jeopardy, baby."

2007-07-25T17:07:00.000-05:00

i think you like to be chased and to be begged-
i like to be secure and know what side of the bed i'll be on every night,
and what bed at that.
every day i wake up it's more like "how" than why..

on the radio they said everyone was reportedly seeing jesus different places today. like on pancakes and in wallpaper. i didnt, but i saw 666 a few times. this leaves me feeling uneasy. or maybe the whole world is going to hell and ill be the only one saved. im not sure where i stand on if i feel like being away from everyone else would be a good or bad thing tho. i dont know if i like or hate everyone more than i like or hate being alone.

let's play a game called "give up on me", you only lose if you dont

2007-06-21T02:34:00.000-05:00

in line i forget i have no luck and buy lottery tickets still. not really to get rich quick, just to beat the odds. all it does is remind me i'm never going to win ever. "i don't really ever drink or smoke. this can be my vice." people say to count your wins and losses, but every win eventually became a loss. my desk probably has 3-4 tickets, none of them winners for the week they were supposed to be drawn on, but maybe months before or after. it doesnt do you any good then. it's like.. meeting your soulmate when you're already married. aol actually having someone that speaks english answer your call. the obese person in line ahead of you clutching bags of chips and some diet pop, "i don't really ever drink or smoke. this can be my vice." it's giving someone a birthday card and writing the wrong year in it. spraining your wrist putting on a back brace. going to the bar when you're already drunk. red ink on a check. imagine if more books had pictures, or at least gave you a visual one more.

i am impossible to deal with, i know personally. so many people hate me but so many people rip me off already. "let's be something we despise", wait that actually makes sense (hypo)critically. dunno how people like me, or how they manage to make me convinced they do. maybe they believe in me more than i do. whenever someone believes in someone you think of fairytales and weekly world news. that about sums it up. maybe i'm make believe. i want to be on pills to stablize my moods but it'll change who i was. what i really want is time off for good behavior, but i guess i'd have to start being good.

kind of makes no sense how people still keep their fingers crossed when their hope is secretly already lost. like maybe if you appear to believe in the unbelievable, the impossible will happen. the phone will never ring, and no they didn't copy the number wrong. the email will never come, and no it's not in your spambox. the check is not in the mail, so don't bother checking.

screaming in sports bars and smoke clouded eyes. ash that missed the tray and cigarette butts of the joke. drink glasses refilled like prescriptions. you can barely hear the tv anyway, thank god sports are mostly visual. if i cared about sports, i'd care i mean. i wanna go and hear stories exaggerated to be worth listening to. every day i seem to see a new character for a story, an inspiration, an idea.. something to make people think but i don't want to make a difference. just an impact. to cross your mind at least once in a lifetime. to hear "wow that's an amazing book." from a complete stranger even if i think it's just barely medicore. keep dreaming. you never really wake up from some of them. maybe more than you realize. one day someone will be reading this and relate. maybe that'll be enough.

where did i go wrong? i started caring again. sometimes that seems like a good thing, you're the only one that makes it that way. i want to love like i'm dying tomorrow cause it feels like i'm dying today. sorry if i seem so impatient but life is short and who knows when it's going to end. palm readers can tell you 86 but they can't foresee natural disasters like the likes of you and me. i want to keep my friends paused at their best so i never see them any other way. now someitmes i just sit and space off the way i used to in math class when i wasnt learning anything. years later im still not learning anything but the only difference is no one is really trying to teach me anything. nothing gets through. notihng ever feels real anymore. i cant relate to anyone. its not being selfish its just not being able to belong.

i don't really ever drink or smoke. you can be my vice.

"the battle of who could care less"...

2007-06-14T03:13:00.000-05:00

is only good until it's over and all the caring is gone then no one cares at all.
and i'm dangerously close to that point.
i see things from two different views-
like someone involved and someone watching from the outside.
obviously the views conflict each other-
from the inside view it's unbarable,
from the outside view it's resolvable.
the funny thing is you gotta care a lot to care less..
think about that before you let it all go.
blah.
so tired, from lack of sleep or lack of you.
the sheets don't feel welcoming.
"one more chance" never has a limit, it's just a prelude.
a story you're giving the chance to be told.
"one more chance" is a beginning sentence to a paragraph.
not an ending chapter, not an finale the way it's meant to be.
it's more of a "read between the lines" than a threat.
a reward instead of a warning.
i keep saying i'll throw in the towel but all i really do with it is lay it down for you to walk on.
every morning its like a different sun hits my skin with the way i keep wanting a new beginning.
but every night its the same chill putting me back where i (don't) belong.

time goes backwards cause you turn my world around.

2007-06-02T23:46:00.000-05:00

i wish i had xray vision so i could tell when a skittle wasn't gonna be the flavor it is on the outside.

"drops a coin in the jukebox not the phone on the wall"

2007-06-02T19:43:00.001-05:00

im reminded why i stopped being nice to everyone,
being nice means putting your spine on hold.
i cant afford to do that anymore.
no matter what this is where i end up.
most hated,
my stomach is in "nots".
every vein just leads to disaster and dead ends,
dead beginnings.
we killed off originality cause too many people were doing it.
the motivation to prove people wrong took a sharp u-turn.
being better than this is still being worse off.
this is why people disappear for years.
for ever.
this is why they change their name.
why they drop off the face of the earth.
lost and trying to not be found.
a map held upside down on purpose.
still it somehow makes sense.
sometimes the back of a milk carton purposely faces the back of the fridge.
the back of your mind.
part of me wants to take a pen and a plan and leave for a while-
but i've never been one to make people happy.

and i'll kiss cement and fists before i ever kiss ass.

2007-05-28T05:30:00.000-05:00

i deleted an entry i wrote just because i felt stupid after i wrote it- why would i let someone get to me? i'm happy with my life and where it is headed- even if i feel like i'm constantly stuck in a traffic jam to get there- why would i care if they're not? why do THEY care? so, basically, i am shrugging off people that are rude to me and harass me on the internet behind a computer screen that have never met me. let em hate. i'm using my words for something better. there are better things to do with your time. find some. xo.

rationality- overrated since 2003

2007-05-23T13:51:00.000-05:00

glad some people would rather have attention than friends. it shows.

ps- what i said was obviously true if it got such a reaction.

you eating your words for supper is only comforting if you choke

2007-05-20T23:25:00.000-05:00

"and yeah i cried."
saying this to a brick wall, someone that wouldn't even hand you sandpaper to dry your tears.
theres a list and youre not at the top.
you can shrug it off but its still there.
write til the pen runs out of ink, cold blood still ru(i)ns her viens.
"does it make you feel better to know that- do you feel anything at all?"
piss on the grave of the last person who cared if you're still standing.
life only looks okay from 60 mph when you're not able to pay attention to the details laying roadside.
out of sight and out of(your) mind-
though really im still out of your mind when im in the same room.
"you were hurt when you were a kid- but i'm not going to hurt you and you're not a kid anymore."
this results in maybe a blink. maybe a click.
it's easy to say and ignore what you dont wanna hear and even easier to hurt someone else than it is to care.
spring cleaning to her is putting you on the shelf.
swept under the rug for safe keeping or safe out of sight of anyone that might look down on the mess youve left lying around.
lying. funny how you hate liars but you are slowly turning into the worst one ive known- or is it best?
either way..
she doesnt care who is starving when she has food on her plate
she doesnt care who is homeless from under the roof over her head
she doesnt care whos alone when shes got someone else to turn to
she doesnt care about headaches as long as its not in her head
or heartaches outside of her own chest
words are useless to her cause she has no use for you.
i just cant deal with someone that doesnt give a shit about anyone but themselves.
backspace, delete, x out, hang up, log out, caps locks on and sign off.
my head and heart hurt and i cant let you do this to me anymore.

just keeping you on the edge of your seat in the hopes you fall off it

2007-05-16T04:56:00.000-05:00

i'm not saying i'm better than you, just that i'm happy and you're not.
which technically.. is better.
being trashed is better than being thrown away.
being wasted is better than being garbage.
what one person doesn't want someone else wouldn't dream of letting go.

sure i may be a doormat,
but im not one that says youre welcome on it.
since even doormats wear out sometimes you should find a new one.

on the same hand i want to meet someone i cant replace.
someone that can be wrong sometimes or just say they are to end a fight- because i mean more than that to them.
someone i cant shrug off as another loss when i lose them.
first impressions are the worst because no one is ever like they seem the first day you meet them.
sometimes that is good though.
so many people dislike me because i'm honest.
or maybe because they wish they could be too.
little known secret- id rather make your day than ruin it.
but i guess either way you let me make an impact-
not a lot of people have that effect on someone.
i have it on everyone.

i envy the way she forgives like i always want to, but i know i never can.
but it makes me respect her that much more.
there is so much i can learn from her already but id rather talk than write notes.
i wish i could get outside of my own head- not into yours,
but close enough that i could be.

things i'll look back on and say i made it happen:
i want to write the book you can't put down before bed.
the book you're an hour late to work reading to get to the end.
i want to write the book you wish you wrote.
the book you've always wanted to read.
i want to write the book that changes your mind.
not a book that changes the world- but that puts changes into the world.
i want to change how people look at pages- not as numbered, more like extinct.
a book that reads like you went to a movie without the additional cost of $10 popcorn and soda.
i want my book to be on your nightstand because you want to read it again and there will be details you missed.
most of all i want to hear you love my writing.
i want to be on first name basis with all the best writers- and they go from idols to peers. to people.
and think about it, there aren't any famous authors with my name. yet.
maybe i'm aiming too high but did anyone ever tell nasa they couldn't reach for the stars?
probably- but they did anyway.

i am anyway.

"every time you go away, take a piece of me with you"

soon i will

2007-05-03T15:54:00.001-05:00

i just want to be able to say "i dunno why they're bothering fucking with me. i wrote the book on revenge."

just because you make friends it doesnt mean you made friends.

2007-05-02T14:02:00.001-05:00

just because you made friends it doesnt mean you are gonna keep them.

yes this is aimed at one person, they dont even read this tho.

2007-04-16T23:28:00.000-05:00

at least when i die i know my tombstone will say more than "internet badass hiding behind a screen, now hiding behind a coffin lid"

its 27 degrees with green grass on the ground

2007-04-06T13:26:00.000-05:00

what if dogs only growl and attack you out of nowhere as some sort of past life vengence. like its the only way they can get revenge on you since they are stuck in this life as a dog. thats the only reasonable explaination for it.

and nah, i wasnt attacked by a dog or anything, i just saw one and got that idea.

oh man. that one didn't even bruise my ego

2007-03-18T05:45:00.000-05:00

or leave a scrape.
maybe like a few years ago, but this april marks 3 years sooo... next time try to save your dramatic insults and hit closer to home.
when you say worst i'm not even close to being the first to come to mind when it comes to the worst. not in anyones mind.
deep down, you know it.
despite dumb decisions, i've got a smart brain and a way with words you wish you had.
you hate that i do this effortlessly.
inspiration comes from everything for me.
it doesn't take me weeks to write an update.
it doesn't even take me days.
it never stops.
you want to be me, because you think you'd do it better.
someone once said to me the crazy make the most history.
i no longer care what's said to my face behind a screen, or mumbled in a locked journal entry.
so why am i writing about it if i don't care? well, to be honest... because i'm fucking amazed that i don't care. that it doesn't hurt. at all.
god. it feels great to NOT care.
i mean, people are gonna talk- nothing i can do about it.
to each his own opinion.
and i'll worry about your opinion when it affects me, until then you're just a blank face staring at a screen.
i am above you, but less like level of maturity and more like a thunderstorm.
imagine reign instead of rain.
give me your worst, it's better off than my worst. my worst is better than your best.
deal with it.
and you?
i'm the best that ever happened to you.
even if you don't know it now,
one day you'll be thinking back to this moment wishing you could do it all over again.
that's what i love about life.
even at my worst i'm still doing better.
every time i think i reached a low something pulls me out of it, into the arms of someone better.
will you still want to dangle me from a cobweb at the back of your mind when you see i'm all that is on someone else's?

i never wanted to be like this but who ever gets what they want

2007-03-16T00:06:00.000-05:00

the world is different outside at midnight, a lot scarier, but people arent any more dangerous than they are in the day- it just feels that way. its actually better because there arent as many people around. not even the moon tonight. no one wants to witness this. met a cool drunk girl i'll never see again that you couldnt write to life. fiction is always a lot better in the flesh.

i want to punch a wall.
i want to be the wall, but thats impossible because im always breaking down.
i can't feel aynthing but stupid.

she's signing on to check on me and see if im okay, but its just an allusion to make sure i'm still pressed under her thumb.
when she signs off she's already got osmeone else in mind.
you'll never be enough to keep her happy.
let alone keep her.
when you lose your cool shes either just rolling her eyes or laughing at you. neither reaction is favorable.

i saw this moment in a dream, only living it out is a nightmare. call it paranoia but my insides feel like they are fighting with themselves for no real reason. i have songs stuck in my head that i don't even know, i've never even heard before. i'll live on but part of me just died. done t/rusting away. it feels more like my brain is working too hard but not letting me in on anything going on with it rather than not working at all. but you are never sure what is worse. tonight killed the last part of me that had any good left in it, that had any faith.

why have morals if you have no one to keep them with. it wasnt me that changed, it was you. and that changed me. ne w me.

1000 to 1200 mg

2007-03-12T02:40:00.000-05:00

im starting to think ive been sleeping through the best times of my life- i don't know how else to explain never having any.

i've noticed how when you want to lie you'll lay down for anyone.

2007-03-05T03:55:00.000-06:00

fiction always has a little truth to it, any great author knows that. even the not so great ones. this was written based on you. "it never rains in california" but it always feels like rain in places like seattle, even without the actual rain. days to him were spent inside sleeping, sulking, and nights standing at windows looking out at what he's missing. the answering machine kicked on and after a beep she said "i love you" but it was just more like a pause in conversation. a pause in a lifespan. a filler. "i love you" she said it with a pause before she hung up, either a hesitated pause, a "oh fuck what did i just do" or she expected to hear it back somehow. or more likely, it was cut off. like, "i love you- for now." not forever. the only forever she knew was whoever's phone ringing and ringing. forever was the same empty spot in her bed next to her. before, she'd sing to him on the answering machine, mostly because all the boys she tried to call before were out with another girl. she knew he never was. but he never listen to any of them. it's just same thing everytime. he always just clicked delete. there's never any real feeling to it. she just needs to feel needed. at the edge of her bed and the end of her rope, the phone fell out of her hands as one last time for the night, she admitted defeat. she'd start over, the same list, the same people, first thing in the morning. hopeless holly. desperate donna. she's got a new name if you've got the time. any you care to spare she'll take. "i love you." when it was said from her lips was never really what it was meant to be. it was more like "i need you" or "i want you", love was still at the end of fables. on the tv screen written into scripts. she wished her life was fiction so that love could be real. she was so far from finding it. after all, someone else had wrote the book on love, all she could do was read it and try to understand. try to relate to something she'd never really felt. and all he was was a sheet to fall back on and be caught up with when everyone else let her go. someone to catch her when no one else is there. and he knew it, so he knew better than to fall for it. "i love you" was said because her best friend slept with her boyfriend and now she was alone again. "i love you" was said because she was stood up at the movie theatre. her date never showed but her disappointment did. it was written all over her face, and her voice on the phone. "i love you" was said because she didn't have a date to the dance, and she'd rather not go than go alone. all she wanted was someone to hold her. but that was the problem- she just wanted anyone. no standards. when you love like a river everyone is going to be the rain on your parade, no one will be anything but a current or a wave. no one could ever tell just when those innocent gold eyes got tarnished. born with bad luck. he was always there for her but not the way she wanted. friends only. still, he was all she ever knew. he'd always be there at the other end of the IM, the phone, but he was never enough. he was never enough the same way she was never enough for him. some people spend all of their lives never being enough. every day she'd call, he'd hang up. he knew he was a number in line and no one likes waiting in lines, ever. she never learns this so he never cares. nobody wants her. and it just goes on and on until he changes his phone number. the story goes on because she still knows where he lives. but he wasn't the one that needed to change anything, it was her.

i want to be known for writing about the best things she ever felt

2007-02-27T02:45:00.000-06:00

i could have died by now a few times. not by my choice. when my mom was pregnant with me she fell on ice. that counts. at 5 i almost drowned in a pool. a few years ago i almost went fucking broke. and last year i was two seconds away from being hit by a truck- by the way- what good does it do anyone when they honk after they almost hit you? it's not like you're going to chase after the damn thing and hop in front of it again. but yeah, i've narrowly escaped death before and it always makes me think there's a reason for it. like i'm still around because whatever my purpose in this left was i haven't met it yet. i don't think death is something to wish on anyone, so anyone wishing it on me is wasting their time. i keep making it out alive.

it's so weird, how people know me that i don't know, and i think i'm letting it get to my head. but it's the good kind of motivation i need, like... it's kind of insane. people need a good reason to know me. i can't wait until the ones that don't know me yet do. within 5 years i know i'm going to make it big. 5 days if i do something crazy like hop a plane and sit outside of some famous author's house waiting to see if they'll write my book for me once i babble on about my idea. convincingly. nah i can do it myself, i just suck at writing detail. what am i even saying? i think even if i have to pay to have a book published myself i will.

anyway, so this was supposed to be the month i met my soulmate, assuming it this year. my palm reader hasn't been proven wrong yet, so i doubt she was this time. besides if i learned anything from x-files, your soulmate can be pretty much anybody. you just run into them every lifetime. i think it's more than just a chance encounter. whatever optimism i lost about finding love and being happy, i have it restored. it keeps me going when i'd rather just stop. so thank you for that.

she pointed out the irony of me not being able to get a childproof pill bottle open.

2007-02-26T00:44:00.000-06:00

someone doesn't have to be gone for you to miss them, they can be standing right in front of you.
or just there.
like tired eyes on someone else's sky.
tomorrow is going to be a long day and this year is already going by too fast.
i want to pause everything and catch up.
but i'm always putting things off, so- maybe later.
i don't want to mess up but i keep repeating myself.
i want to live the life you're dying to get out of.
like if i was in your shoes i could be you so much better.
or at least a better version.
at least better than me.
i dunno anymore.
took enough ibuprofen i don't even have the option to think right now.

please note: what i do and say will never change because you shake your head or type something mean on the screen. i'm only a problem if you pay attention to me. no one ever told you you had to. and i'd like it if you stopped. am i the only one that ignores and avoids people i don't like?

me: ::insert me being genrally crabby and hard to deal with here::
her: you're cute when you're like this

she can turn my moods aroudn.

content

2007-02-25T01:54:00.000-06:00

me: i'd never let go
her: i'd never let you i'd superglue you to me :-(
me: i hope you never do, im pretty atatched to you without the glue

i feel like i just walked out of a dark theatre- after watching the credits of my life story go by. reborn out of all the ashes from everyone that burned me in the past.

swept under the welcome mat

2007-02-23T08:04:00.000-06:00

the only thing telling me to go to sleep is common sense. i should by all rights be tired right now. i don't feel awake or tired- it's a weird state to be in. i think this book is going to be so far out there, i get so many ideas that are stupid and i want to put them all into one book so people can't put it down. maybe it'll end up a "i wish i thought of that first" thing. who knows. i want it to be unique. i want it to feel like it's set in the future with a ton of new inventions and concepts we don't have today but have it be written for now. i have to get back into my goal of writing a little bit each day, even if it's just a line.

i love getting to the point where all that matters to me is you being around- i live and exist or cease to whenever you sign on or off. i didn't mean to hurt you, it's just kind of a defense mechanism. funny how it's meant to help but it only fucks things up more. just remember. it's got what it takes- heart and the thick skin to hold it in. i meant everything i said to you, especially "i'm sorry". for once i think i'm needed as much as i need. i'm definitely not used to that.

i wish my best friend still lived in town and never moved away with her family. she never cared what i did and was still my best friend. i think losing her was the closest thing i've felt to losing a loved one by death.

i know this entry isn't anything too fancy but if i am going to be serious about this book i might as well write about it somewhere. i've got so much on my mind.

i know i may bring you down when i'm down, but hang in there. when i'm up i'm taking you there with me.

all pleas(e), wrong verdict

2007-02-18T18:16:00.000-06:00

our life stories could be mirror images of each other but in the end i was the one that got somewhere doing what you do best.

i love what i know about you, i don't have to know it all

2007-02-18T06:46:00.000-06:00

no one ever tries to look for someone new, just a replacement. remember that.

i wouldn't say i'm bitter, just spiteful. you deserve every bad thing that ever happens to you and i only read your aways to make sure they still are. eventually i won't even care, i think i'm leaning towards it now. funny how liars always seem to have the best things to say- maybe that's why i've let them hang around more than someone that is honest. honest is boring usually. the only things ever worth being heard are always whispered into someone else's ear. anyways, it sounds kind of obvious but the best way to forget is to lose whatever makes you remember. that means tomorrow its time to delete logs, delete entries, throw away letters and hopes. i've got a past that i want to get past. after 3-4 times of being fucked over i usually figure out it's time to give up. i don't give up on people a lot, but i've finally given up on you. return the favor. i dunno, if i'm smart i'll just delete this when i wake up.

and just because they don't look, doesn't mean they won't still find it. i know that for a fact. the best things i've ever found were always on accident.

"stuck in the middle with you"

desperate and seperate are cousins

2007-02-16T01:34:00.000-06:00

kinda like the way love and insanity are.
i'm only happy because you won't stay happy for long.
and i care enough about myself for once to not care if you do too.
i'm becoming the type of person to live being happy just because someone else isn't.
i never wanted to be.
you can get whoever you can to fill my shoes but they won't be able to pick up my pen.
and when you realize this you'll never be close to really happy again.
maybe it's not the best way to say it but i mean it in the worst way.
or maybe it's the worst way to say it in the best way.
i can't help but watch every plan you make to move forward really be steps backwards.
i only go out of my mind for inspiration.
i look at houses like scenes from a book.
i have one incredible idea in it no one else could ever touch.
if my imagination was real i'd hug it.
i want each chapter to be like a seperate story.
this is either gonna be a hit or shit.
all around me everyone either falls together or falls apart.
it isn't natural at all but you're tricked into believing it is by the last page.
and i never thank you for it but every little "are you okay" makes me that much closer to actually being okay.
have you ever said that to me? then you keep me going.
my friends are better than lovers because they actually love.

ps- don't worry,
i'm only not upset i lost you because i never had you in the first place.

"i know i'm supposed to love you"

2007-02-15T05:34:00.000-06:00

so sick of everyone on the block throwing a pity party when people are supposed to be attending mine.
you'll drown in your own tears before anyone feels sorry enough to save you.
rather than try to be remembered for anything-
you want pity from everyone that ever forgot.
every mess you've ever been in you've made yourself.
every word you've ever said has just been to gain something-
admiration, pity, attention, money, love.
you are talking to be noticed not to be heard.
and that's exactly why no one listens to you anymore.

the best liar with the worst tongue- or is it the other way around?
i don't think you're a bad person-
i just think you're no good.

i've watched you tear down the step ladder to reaching every dream you've ever had then blame it on the manufacturer.
you push people away with the same hands you cry into when everyone is gone.
we're living in reputation.
but you're dying from it.
everyone makes mistakes but not everyone keeps making the same ones the way you do.
learn from your mistakes instead of reliving them.

love is something wrote in someone else's diary.
love is something felt on the tv screen only.
love is a wrong number dialed on purpose.
but unlike you i'm fine with that.

ps. please don't ask me what this is about tomorrow.

Your life script = your eulogy if either is written well enough.

2007-02-13T02:15:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I like to listen to old music and pretend I am in a Quentin Tarentino film when all I am doing is going to the store.
Everyone around me is just an extra on-set.

Sidenote: Weird how to someone else its me that is the extra.

Music I hear is always the soundtrack, its been that way for years.
I kind of hate when something happens and there is no music.
Lifes a little better when its a little more (un)real.
I just like to pretend I am someone else.
Not in the pretend way, in the way that can be real if I try.

Sucks when you realize how people really are-
Youve only ever "had my back" for a place to store your knife.
Its always exciting to watch the hero turn out to secretly be a villian until it happens to you.

I wrote a story that was only two pages long the other day.

Sidenote: Have you ever wanted to punch someone for being happy when you aren't?
That must be how you feel when you see I'm doing fine on my own.

I think of life in two dimension.
In text and type.
In ink and paper.
Maybe that's been always my problem.

And I just want to close every door behind me so I cant find my way back.
I kind of hate when you try to follow me anyway.
You shouldn't need a sign on the door to take a hint and turn around.
"You can go your own way.. go your own way."

Somewhere in the world new hope is being born every second of the day out of ashes from someone getting burned.
Born under the skin you crawl beneath.
It was an abusive sort of situation I just had to get out of-
Like kind of sad how even when she says "I love you" its another form of abuse.
Another form of control.
And this is what happens when you finally break it....

it only takes one little spark to start a fire

2007-02-07T08:43:00.000-06:00

to change everything.
sometimes i think i'm some genius.
sometimes i just don't think.
always putting the act in practical.
and the point in disappointment.
i'm trying, though, at least- to be something better.
but i can only be as good as the worst things people have done to me.
like working with 100 bits and pieces of something amazing following a directions sheet written in a foreign language.
seems like i am always reaching for the biggest goal and ignoring all the little ones accomplished along the way.
the paragraph vs. the page.
i look out at the city as it passes by the window and i wonder why i can't just finish my book.
why can't i write or focus on anything but one liners and liars?
i get hooked on people that seem care about me because i want to know their secret-
i want to be able to care about me too.
it's a hopeless cause but still a cause.
how can i write a book when i feel like my life is a story-
like i'm the main character of a book i don't even want to read.
a book i'd put back on the shelf if i had any say in it.
still for some reason i'm fascinating enough to be on your mind.
what makes me tick vs. what ticks me off.
an unfinished painting that still is drying you can change before the last stroke.
work in progress or maybe just regress.
maybe you can figure me out before i can.
i've lived a sheltered life because i haven't lived at all.
i can't relate, ever, to anyone-
i've never lost anyone close to me to death.
i've only ever lost them to life.
see also: i like feeling like i don't need you, maybe you're as replacable as you've made me feel.

its less about taking a gamble and more about the loss

2007-02-05T02:10:00.000-06:00

the sleeping pill i didnt want to take takes the last forms of livliness from me for the night as heavy eyes try to focus on the glow of the moniter that has grown to be the only thing i know. tomorrow isn't ever a day it's a new attempt to break this curse i put on myself from every good intention i ever made turned bad. the irony of yawning to stay awake in a world i'd rather sleep through. tired of the saying "how would you feel in my shoes" because no one can reproduce loss and love, everyone handles situations differently and no two situations are ever the same- sorry if i seem insensitive, it's because i am. i've never been there. taking chances is about the hardest thing to do- its so much easier to go with the certain, the guarenteed. no one wants to lose yet i've heard of people that go to the casino and gamble away whole paychecks- stubborn to the last cent. i can relate. i'm never ready to admit i lost and always hopeful to come back from behind. sucks when you realize you turned down a chance you should have taken. i think that is really all life is- risks. chances. decisons. choices. i still can't decide if getting to know you was a good or bad decision i've made.

oh well this isn't making sense and i cant keep my eyes open any longer. goodnight.

you vote democrat or republician, you dont vote wrong or right

2007-01-31T02:20:00.000-06:00

this is supposedly a place to get away from your problems-
supposedly.

its what they say but ive yet to see it be anything but a cause of them. i dont understand the dramatics involved with the internet. and yet it seems like im always in the center of all of it. i always want to be right when im wronged. and to have someone see it from my view even when im only seeing one side too.

oh well.

its not like this is the first time in history someone innocent has been proven guilty- and its not like its going to be the last either. i don't want to play the game of "he said she said" to win anything if i'm dragging everyone down with me. fighting to save a crew vs fighting to save one life. i'll just lose more in the end if i choose the latter.

you cant just roll your eyes behind a computer screen- no one will see it. you have to hit caps locks and post public entries. hold down shift, 1111 if you have to but thats even breaking some sort of code of the internet. no one uses "!" except for newbz and like forrest kline. basically i think some people get upset for the novelty of it. they wear it like an accessory on their way to fitting in. the fact it looks good to hurt from something everyone thinks was bad.

bandwagons arent just for bands anymore.

"i was sad to lose your friendship" changes to "how bad you fucked me over" it makes you look more human than you are- to overreact, instead of just having one line in the script, they steal the spotlight and play the victim.

sometimes a liar is just a contradiction trying to find the truth. and with there being the "right" and "wrong" things to say, one can often be mislead between "right" and "right now".

though some good did come out of tonight, some bad. the good is always just enough to make me look forward to tomorrow by the time my head hits the pillow. and the bad is always already forgotten by the time i pick it back up.

i guess the only way you really lose a friend is to hang onto one that is already gone.

ps

2007-01-26T00:59:00.000-06:00

we don't fight fair.

i always wanted to write like this but look at the costs

2007-01-25T22:29:00.000-06:00

want to see a gypsy to trade this life for something better.
want to hear the lies that its going to get better,
that i got the thick skin needed to get there.
whats worse- wasting time with wishing or believing such bullshit.
"things will get better."
meanwhile i'm hanging on but losing grip-
a thread away from giving up.
less and less sleep.
im falling apart a little more every time i open my eyes.
its like i know i might as well be awake while i still can.
its almsot over.
i hate sleeping because no matter what i dream its a better place.
i hate waking up and realizing where i am-
or more- where i am not.
yawns to keep me awake or put me back to sleep.
the safe place.
what hurts worse- barely living or slowly dying?
trick question, same thing.
what started out as a sick joke is now becoming a blueprint.
but only if i can even make it that long.
my best thought out plans come off as suicide notes.
my life story sounds like one big apology, "sorry."
"lifespan" but i'll be the first to admit ive yet to have a life.
i cant even look in the mirror and see the same person looking back everytime.
ive gotten more and more sloppy- with chores and you.
given the chance to make things better, you only make them worse.
but how can you save me anyway-
when you need help yourself?
i feel invisible- not that you can't see me, just that noone does.
i cant make this feeling go away.
i start to think it will but i realize im not needed.
seems like the sun comes out a lot less now.
if this is what it feels like please make me stop feeling.
part of me wants it to be the end of the world so i'm done suffering alone.
i dont even want to be around anymore.
things are only getting worse instead of better.
the sky will still be gray whether im around to see it or not.
you won't be late to work.
you won't lose any sleep.
life will go on without mine.
i won't even have left a mark.

i've always wanted this kind of numbness. sooo. shouldn't i be more happy?

2007-01-20T15:49:00.000-06:00

there's a gravel road out back that leads my mind somewhere else, could take me far away from my dreams or even clsoer to them. it just depends all on the dream. every time i look it changes a little bit. for a few moments i'm someone else, anyone else. my skin doesn't matter because i never felt like anyone. i was never me- i don't even know who i am so how can i be myself? i'm bits and pieces of everyone i've ever met's worst mistakes and best lost chances. turned away or turned around- everyone has made an impact on me but have i made one on them? the only thing good about me is my writing and the cost it comes for isn't worth it. but right now i haven't been having any dreams anyway. i sleep and wake up and that's it. i just wake up feeling a little more dead every day, everytime i pull myself out of bed. dead, empty, pointless. it feels like an end is near and it feels okay. mostly because i can't feel anything anymore. do you count on your friends, is that why you number them, starting with first to worst. both feet on the ground because noone and nothing knocks you off them anymore. i set myself up for this, a starving artist feeding off abuse. i tihnk about people gunned down in the street- was it really their time, was that really god's doing? what happens to the people god has plans for that don't live to fulfill them? if he has plans for everyone is that one of them? to just be another statistic, to have your 15 minutes just be 15 seconds on the local news? i hate when i think like this, but morbid is modest and modest is me. there's eventually a point where dreams end and you no longer live seeing things through clouded, hazy eyes. you no longer think of it as "i can", it's now "i could have." there's eventually a point where "what's wrong" is everything and "what isn't" is nothing. where it's easier to list off the few good things you have vs rambling off all the bad ones. and that's the point i'm at. where not a lot can be done, but everything can be done with.

if you put too much faith in people they'll just take it right back out.

2007-01-17T21:19:00.000-06:00

"so why not just write, just write and not think"

the person you made me think you were.

2007-01-16T22:56:00.000-06:00

i'm ok, mostly because i realize every word i ever said wasn't about you- it was just about who i thought you were.

soo if you're wondering why i'm coping so well, think of it this way- you watch a certain movie and fall in love with the main character instantly- (like especially if the main character is played by johnny depp or is borat, just saying) but anyways the main character is always amazing, funny, charming, they have traits you never imagined anyone could have. you would date them if you could. in some ways you connect to them, and you find parts of you in them. then the movie ends and the lights come back on in the theatre and you realize the person doesn't exist. you're alone and still in the same seat as when it started. you look at your hands and you're real- but what you spent time of your life thinking about, watching, wanting- isn't. it's a bummer when it hits you everything is fiction but there's nothing that can be done about it. so really, this is just the ending credits and there won't be a sequel. you don't exist, but everyone watching you wishes you did. everyone will wake up in time. so cling now while you can before you lose them too.

that's why the games you're pulling and things you're doing don't effect me anymore. the worst thing i ever came up with or came down from. when the lights come back on you're already gone.

the town is alive and hell without you

2007-01-16T19:03:00.000-06:00

what it should be: you should mean as much as you let me.
and what it is are never the same.
you never show me what i mean to you, only what i don't.
wish i was born with thicker skin.
maybe i should learn a little something from you:
not caring about anyone but myself.
this can be the first lesson.
everyone will let you down but yourself so if you never expect much out of yourself you'll never be let down.
people stare at car wrecks cause either-
it's something more messed up than they are, or
just that they can relate
at the end of the day i think we all just need someone to need us.
hands and hearts never matter as long as they belong to someone that's true.
hope you remember what it's like to be the only one at night awake but still dreaming anyway.
everything is about curtains and shadows anymore.
pages you skip past and being 5 minutes late.

2007-01-15T12:33:00.001-06:00

dont worry, i hate my moodswings more than you ever could.

as long as you keep pulling at straws...

2007-01-15T06:29:00.000-06:00

i'll keep holding them out there.
kinda weird now how even my skin feels tired and sore.
not really sure where my life is headed but at least i know where it's not.
i think i could really be your favorite-
at least always the person you say goodnight to last before your head hits the pillow.

"take your steps away from me"

2007-01-12T10:21:00.000-06:00

funny where people leave their priorities laying around when they don't keep them in order.
and i get to literally trip over them.
fuck law i'm ruled by jealousy and insecurity.
i look sick under fluorescent lights
but fine in the "living" room,
like some fucked form of irony.
with thicker skin than our ties,
i'll forget the time i wasted- in time.
you who once gave me confidence
now remain the single source draining me of it all.
everytime you let someone else take my place they take a little of my confidence too.
i'll delete everything that reminds me of you,
i just wish i could delete the memories as easily.
it all goes away-
i think it learned that from you.
and if i can learn anything from you myself-
it's that everyone is replacable.
bodies all feel the same when the lights are out-
and love is just a 4 letter word followed by "for now" whenever you say it.
everyone in line pulls a number waiting to love you.
and mine has been up for a while now.
i'm just kind of a slow learner.
you'd think i'd notice you calling other people up-
but when my back was turned i was too busy thinking how lucky i was.
was.
you made your bed and you'll "lie" in it too.
should have never thought you'd ever stop..

"the time i would spend,
with pictures i would not send.
i watched you go from left to right,
i followed you all night.across my blinds.

you'll change your mind come monday,
and turn your back on me.
you'll take your steps away with hesitance,
take your steps away from me.

i'm making my peace,
making it with distance.
maybe that's a big mistake,
you know i'm thinking of you.
i miss you.

you'll change your mind come monday,
and turn your back on me.
you'll take your steps away with hesitance,
you'll take your steps away from me.."

..for once, i've got nothing left to say to you.
i'm not sure how i feel about that.
all that's missing are notebooks that used to be empty,
they're full of ink now,
eyes that used to be full of life,
they're easily unimpressed and rolling,
duller than the excuses you'll have for all this in the morning.
all that's missing are pages between the start and end of the calender,
what do i turn to.
it's just this is the end to something that never really got to start.

"too" also meaning i know you can live without me

2007-01-09T00:33:00.000-06:00

i lived before you so i know i can live after you, too.

this time it's for good.

2007-01-07T00:43:00.000-06:00

i like when people say "this time it's for good"
like it's really any good.
but the more i think about it maybe it is.
truth and trust will never be on the same team.
at least not when you're playing.
i used to look forward to you,
but now i can't even think of one nice thing to say about you anymore.
dead serious- and i hate it.
there's no more looking forward to texts,
aim names signed on by phone.
that's saved for someone else now, i guess.
whoever it is is lucky until they're in the shoes you gave me.
until they're feeling the downside of your (lack of) attention.
gray clouds over my sky and clear skies for someone else.
for now.
"favorite" wasn't "forever" but more like just "for now"
"favorite" was just for the moment until someone better had signed on.
you've probably forgot me already.
but they won't write things for you like i do.
or care like i did.
they'll be boring and not worth it in the end.
once the new car smell wears off like it must have with me.
i'm wore out from trying to believe the best from the worst people.
or is it trying to forget the worst from the best people?
i'd say "i give up" but it wasn't me that did,
cause i'm just going with the flow.
i think the worst part of it was thinking you were someone special and finding out you are just like everyone else.
thinking you'd treat me like i mattered,
but i guess i never did or will.

my worst flaw is seeing the good in people

2007-01-04T15:10:00.000-06:00

so much for the happy and optimistic writing we now return to our regularly scheduled boo hooing, even twice as much to make up for the one time we were happy. gotta keep the regular readers happy, i guess. at any price. the weird thing about crying is it either wakes you up or makes you tired- sometimes both depending on who you are crying over. hah. sick of just being the puffyfaced snot nosed kid crying into their sleeves because noone thinks theyre worth anything. sick of letting people in. i wasnt born right. a big part of me always feels like im someone im not. so ill never be enough because really, im not completed. and now ill never believe anyone again. this is why i got so paranoid and why i should have stayed untrusting. giving someone the "benefit of the doubt" is so last year. i feel dumb for caring, for believing, for letting her in. it should have never mattered but it did and it does and there's no going back to "doesn't", only back to "alone". it'll always just be my fingerprints left on the window after looking in, never really knowing what it's like to belong. just getitng a glimpse. if you don't look in it shouldn't matter, but it's human nature to want to belong, to want to be around others instead of always on the outside. crash and burn not like flames but more like a flicker, a spark that could have mattered. i scare myself, i guess. when i plan it out, it will happen. it's just the "when" that changes. 33 days. it should be.. the only two emotions i'll ever feel are hate and hurt. unless "stupid" counts then three. instead i feel hope and that's what ever gets me in this position. i sit with my jaw dropped in surprise but nothing should shock me at this point, i could lie like you taught me to and say "i've been hurt worse by better people" but i thought you were the best. if my phone ever rings, i never even answer it i just question it- who it is, why they'd call, and who it isn't and why they won't. i wish i could be more like her and not care. shut people out. dont ever question if its not the best way. i can tell you from this side and this day that it most definitely is. sometimes i think i'd rather feel nothing than feel anything if it's going to feel like this. push the snow aside with a newspaper and save a spot for me on an empty park bench, if emotions are possessions ive got nothing left to lose.

xo.

im in love with every other line i write, until it hits the screen.

2007-01-03T05:15:00.000-06:00

the worst thing to ever happen to love since hallmark was honesty. i pick everything apart until its a pile of words without the meaning you meant it to have. you look at me like i'm hearing something different than you said- but that's because i am. i think sometimes i ask to be picked apart by vultures while im still alive, the first thing that would go would be my determination, my will to fight. i put myself in this position, i'm vulnerable. i ask for it. i need to be needed. i think i love the attention more than the intention. i need you more than you could ever need me but at least we both know it. at least no one is confused about their role in this. the script is only a few pages long and you know the ending before it's written. there is no tragedy and there is no real victim. but no one really wins either. no matter how you feel, or what you don't- one of the luckiest things to happen to me was meeting you. one of the worst things i ever have to do is hold back and bite my tongue- and it just got a lot easier to do. it may not seem like a lot, but when you can make someone sick of living start wearing a "life"jacket i think it says a lot. for now i don't mind just existing with you.

i like to watch the sunrise every morning after i stayed up all night talking to you

2007-01-02T06:13:00.000-06:00

i think the best part about today was i realized it no longer matters if you replace me cause ive replaced you. i dont need you to feel like i can get my goals accomplished- i finally believe in myself. im starting to get this whole new years thing, like why its a big deal or whatever. its a new year, a new start with new chances to make mistakes or make someones day, to accomplish goals. 12 new months to do over, to make better than last year. forget about whatever you did last year, basically, and make it better. or make it period. and basically, i never sleep anymore. call it a mood swing or maybe just a wake up call, but things are finally looking up. i dont even care if it can never be more than what it is, for some reason- right now what ive got is still more than enough. i really needed today and you- so thank you for that. two months looks like years, empty and blank pages to be filled look like goals i can accomplish.

and im still standin'.

i hope it keeps you up at nights.

2007-01-01T05:55:00.000-06:00

i hope it takes your sleep like you take time, life, hearts. every story i hear about you i'd write off as just a rumor if it didn't sound like what had happened to me. think of it as like an aa support group to getting over assholes.

after all, theres snow outside. im good to go.

it didnt feel like christmas, and it never felt like the holidays, why should it feel like a new year? should it? cause really, it doesnt. hope this year words i say won't go out my mouth and then out someone else's- but that is pretty much hopeless hoping considering how many people hang on every word i say just to throw it back at me later.

people make resolutions but i'm not this year. i don't want to talk to you, not even once. not even to hear "you were right". not even to hear "im sorry" because i already know you're every meaning of the word.

bitter statements like "i hope it was worth it" are worthless. its never ever worth it but you never know it when someone says that. too bad the pieces you left me in won't be there to pick up when you realize that.

sitting in a "pulitzer prize winner (in training)" shirt, i looked back at my writing a year ago. two years ago. i look at it now and i am so proud of how far i've come.

"take heart, sweetheart, or i will take it from you."

just think if i keep improving.

"off with his head, man, off with his head"

2006-12-30T04:47:00.000-06:00

there is only one king and the rest are imitations, waiting for him to die and take over the throne. sometimes even the king's wife wishes death on him, so sick of all the women he beds during the day while turning his back to her at night. you remind me of a commoner waiting, trying to appease and take over. wasn't it easier back then? you could solve your own "problems"- behead her if she backtalks and kill the baby if it's a girl. stupid girl, death is the easy way out/in.

trash painted gold. wrappers with the winning number printed inside. a blank data chip. yard sale bargain. antique shop jackpot. spin a web of lies and deciet so thick you get tangled up in it. oxymorons like "forgotten memories." bend and mold yourself to be something that you're not but god- with enough work you could be. it doesn't have to be thousands of years ago to feel like we're going backwards. this doesn't make sense unless you have numbers etched into your arm or bedpost. unless you have goals someone else accomplished first. unless you ever made a game anyone else has then beat you at. people that make a living out of the dead- the drained and hopeless.

oh, spendthrift, wasting words like money. when was the last time air hit your face, sun soaked your skin and you felt alive? you felt like yourself? nineteen ninty..something. wait, or have you ever at all?

wallow in the weight of your decisions, wallow in the shadow of your own uselessness. wallow in the shadow of me. as long as i am alive you'll always just be trying. you'll always be an "almost".

people say i'm trying too hard, but they haven't met you.

why don't you remember my name i guess he does....

you could make me so sick if you weren't so much like me.

keep trying.

...maybe you'll become so much like me you will eventually erase me.

everything has an expiration date.

2006-12-28T00:33:00.000-06:00

I always have the urge to hit the "stop" button in the elevator just to see what happens. Maybe someday I will- it seems like Im always pushing buttons and all the wrong ones, right? I only push you away because I know youll let me and I need someone that wont. File me between the pages of forgotten and forgetting. Reminese a time when I mattered and remember it the way scientists remember dinosaurs. Talk about it like you were ever there. Waste time thinking instead of doing. What interested me days ago just bores me now. You overuse the word perfect. You cant use it for two people- unless theyre the exact sam eand I know were not so Im calling you on your bullshit. All I wanted was a little of your time. I want all the things you cant buy like to be needed by someone and stability. Sure- theres always something better waiting just around the corner but it takes all my strength to get there anymore. Its easier to cry and give up a few feet away. I still have a notepad open with things I was going to say three days ago. Expired. Maybe Ill x out of it. The kicked puppy finally finds a way to run away from home and realizes how alone he is. Youll always leave me alone this way. With eyes that dont know if they want to cry or wake up. Its easier to just let them win sometimes. I think you like to make me suffer and its the only way I can make you happy so I let you do it. Well, and Ill still do it...while theres still anything left of me to walk on. I try to tell myself how youre not even worth it but what choice do I have.

could have had it vs almost made it

2006-12-25T17:33:00.000-06:00

im the secret you keep screened. the comment you delete. the mistake you had. maybe ignoring me will make me disappear. ive already tried ignoring myself but im pissed you do it better than me. a couple grand goes down to barely 600. now its zip. talking about money is a lot easier than dealing without it. every thought i have makes me hate myself a little more. i just want to be reborn. reincarnated. die and start over. a new chance to be little and loved. to be liked. i got dealt a bad hand with the middle finger aimed right at me. i really got fucked over this round.

i don't really think anybody is anyone until they are loved.

anyways, jesus wasnt really born on christmas day it was really some time in april but we still pretend we care for a few seconds of the day. but really its all just about what you get or dont get. religion could be total bullshit and we dont find out until its too late. your either gonna wish you spent your time believing in god or wish you hadn't wasted so much time believing. i dont know if im more motivated to make something of myself or if im motivated to give up. the line between the right and wrong choice is so blurred i dont know which is which. maybe in 5 years ill look back on this and laugh. maybe in 5 years people will be mourning the 5th year since ive been dead. or forgetting i was even alive by then. who even knows.

i just broke down crying and didn't even realize it until a tear hit my leg. i never did anything to deserve this.

to me christmas is just another day but a little worse. instead of getting to hear people whine about what they don't have, they whine about what they didn't get. at least they got anything at all.

things you cant see can still exist. things you cant have shouldn't. i want to sleep through a decade. freeze me until things get better.

something is wrong with me

2006-12-21T00:12:00.000-06:00

ate for the first time in two or three days and threw it all back up just now.
and my heart wont stop racing.
i want to throw it against the wall really hard so it stops beating this fast.
or at all.
i don't want anyone to worry, it feels fake anyway.
i really think it always is.

i really tihnk im dying.

best left alone

2006-12-20T23:42:00.000-06:00

i am, i mean.

destroy everything good you have so when you're gone you won't be missing a fucking thing.

2006-12-19T00:47:00.000-06:00

to say im a mess is putting it lightly.
my mind is a mess of things i'd like to be-
and things i'll never be.
never happy with just what i am.

you've only got two months left to live, or so it seems.
what would you do with the days?
waste every day crying over it.
over lost love.
lost friendships.
lost loved ones.
and soon- lost life.
would you let go but never really?

like life taken from roses left to die on graves.

dead. dying.
when you're dying you might as well be dead.

write a list and call it,
these are things you'll never do-
things you only hope to.
whatever you do, whatever you list.
put fall in love first.

as long as people have a back to stab knives will go through flesh,
and as long as people are selfish they'll step on anyone they can.

then: possibilities kept me going. a bright future. a name worth knowing.
right now: i think screaming is the only emotion i've got left.

my hearts been beating a lot faster lately, like its just trying to get this done with. speed it up.
death can't come quick enough and im glad you agree.

you cant even fake feeling this shitty. why would you want to?

i can pretty much relate to the song this blog is named after

2006-12-11T07:14:00.000-06:00

my nose almost started bleeding-
actually i think it did i just didnt see any blood.
if you can feel it but you cant see it its still there.
"let this be enough."
i wish i could pinpoint the exact time i lost my mind-
when things started mattering to me that never did before.
i dont care it just feels enough like i do to bother me.
to bother this.
id say ive become something im not but ive never been anything.
maybe one day everything i try to be will be who i am.
every day is a chance to live but im using it to die.
its a countdown, letdown, setup.
this feels more like a way early midlife crisis rather than a changing point.
"you are enough."
so why am i still pulling?
all i want for christmas is a prescription to whatever will fix me.
every time i look in the mirror i see someone else.
"theres someone calling- an angel whispers my name
but the message relayed is the same
wait til tomorrow youll be fine"
i keep yawning like i have a reason to stay awake-
my poor body doesnt know any different.
back to sleep.

i always remember how to swim just before i'm about to sink, and it involves pulling you down with

2006-11-22T02:12:00.000-06:00

i guess it doesnt matter so much anymore after all- impressing everyone i mean. surprise, surprise. after a while you realize that even the best films ever made and the best books ever written have bad reviews. youre a star in the eyes of who you matter to- and that is what matters. to those that you dont they wont ever see past the talk and the tabloids, the lies and the speculation. but tabloids stay in business for a reason and thats because lies are always more fascinating. lies are always more interesting.

and lies sell.

let me be honest- you think you know me but i dont even know me anymore so how can you? how can you know me when i dont even have all the details down. im whatever i feel like being and nothing else. over the years ive just been clay waiting for a fitting mold. only a few things about me are truly me- my likes, dislikes, what i love. those never change. everything else... well, maybe that is what makes me me- always trying to be someone im not because i'm not happy with who i am. but is anyone ever happy with who they are? im only ever happy with my sense of humor- everything else id love to rearrange and change. all i can do is exist and if i am not doing it right to you then pretend i don't.

one thing i've noticed is how you can't really trust certain people on this site, and how your best friend will turn around and shittalk you to me and then smile and leave you loving testimonials with html hearts. i almost pmed you the convo. i almost emailed it. but nah, you deserve to be used since you are a user. i deserve to get to laugh when you finally realize it for yourself. im just glad my "best" friends dont talk shit on me, and i know what they say they mean.

so yeah, i guess there's a lot about me that screams pathetic- but why are you listening if you really don't care? and i guess there's a lot about me that seems pitiful- but no one makes you pay attention. why are you keeping tabs? why are you reading this? why is it so interesting? why are you interested?

most of all... there are plenty of other people to give your time to- people that want it. i don't.