right now i'm lethal

i realized today that i put myself out on the line and stick my neck out for people that wouldn't care if it snapped. for people that turn their backs on me. and no- this part isn't about mbp. this is about losing a friend you thought you would never lose- one you go out of your way for only to realize you're in the way of them. gut instincts are always right. and i hate it. i never realized i'm a loyal, devoted friend until i saw one that isn't. devastated and heartbroke aren't the words for it but it's the closest ones i can think up. maybe worn down beyond caring.

this entry is every thought i'm having and probably ones i don't realize i'm having. hold nothing back, it's just the internet.

i am writing my book at the speed in which one would write a suicide letter, only jabbing at keys instead of my wrists- and i start to think both have the same effect. writing an uninspired line here or there, but more motivation and the more you write the closer you are to the end. this is where i am. i've written a few more pages and have a whole new start to it, so i've wrote more than i have in probably a month. it's a timebomb, a release, and an escape all in one. time is almost up. the second i get it done i no longer serve a purpose here on earth, but until then i have an obligation to myself and my 5th grade english teacher that said he'd see my name in publishing (and not the front page of the newspaper for most insane act blah blah or whatever- but i would hope he'd let it count still if i couldn't finish a book). i have left something to be remembered by and at any time i can die.

i will forget everyone that ever hated me until they're talking shit on my publisher's messageboards. then i'll just laugh it off and x out. if the book is a success, nothing will matter anymore. if it bombs, nothing will matter anymore. nothing will ever matter anymore anyway, it doesn't even matter anymore right now.

if you rip away things that keep me safe and content i cannot be held responsible for my reactions to it and how i go after your safe and content things next. your misery will be my new comfort.

it's getting harder to face the heat and i'm getting more immune to it at the same time. is this even possible? i really am most hated. most misunderstood. most unknown because if you knew me you wouldn't hate or misunderstand. when you've lost everything you have nothing to lose- and when you have nothing to lose you are a danger to yourself and everyone around you. is it sad when in your head you've already spent every last cent on revenge? just hope i don't get to cash it in.

for now my heart isn't beating it's just ticking, my heart is just a timebomb that no one has ever been able to defuse, and every attempt to just leaves the both of us more fucked than ever.

"every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you"