apologetically dressed in the best

Friday, July 23, 2010

the things we never finish and how they can finish us: part two

it always takes the worst moods for me to write one of these. i think by now nobody will even think to check it. the past few days i realized no matter how hard i try to make anyone happy- i cannot and i will not ever make anyone happy. my life is a circle that cuts through jagged rocks and cactus plants continually, only occasionally will i stumble on some sort of oasis in the desert. i used to wonder how i made it this far, why there are people dying all around me and on the news and why it's not me. why am i so special i get to live and waste my life while important people doing something with theirs die? (rip nate henn). no really, why? it still does not make sense to me. maybe it means my purpose has not been achieved, but i think i just slip under the radar unnoticed.

if you cry and youre alone nobody hears your tears but you. this is both good and bad. bad because you do, and you realize no one else cares enough to. and good because the only people that would be around to hear it would be the ones to make you cry more in the first place. all that can come to mind is how can you kick a friend when they're already down? what good is pushing everyone away if the one person you let in through the cracks is the one that breaks you completely? the one that gives you a tear stained tattoo.

this is not the life i wanted, i should have gave up years ago. growing up i had so many dreams- had so many goals. i wanted to be a writer so badly. i wanted people to like what i wrote- to want to read it. i wanted to touch lives and make them feel better when they read my books somehow. to get lost in a fictional world because reality is impossible to escape. but now ive come to accept that i have made too many bad choices, and took the lazy route for far too long. i will never become anything i wished to be. anything i could have done then i cannot do now. i think i was an awful person in a past life and i am unable to turn things around in this one no matter how hard i try. i hope one day that you look back on the time you knew me, and you remember only the good and you will miss me.

i am unstable, i am determined, and i am a mess. having nothing to lose means having nothing to leave behind. nothing to tie you down. for all the weight on my shoulders i can fly free if i want. and yet still i stay for the simple hope that you turn things around before its too late, and you will see the good in something i cant even see anymore. this either makes me really smart, really dumb, or really unforgettable. i only wish it was the latter.

but in case i do fly away, here's some old things i wrote. it will probably be all i ever can manage to get out:

http://butitsmydestinytobethekingofpain.blogspot.com/