your third wheel has been derailed.

the cleaner my apartment looks the more crowded my head feels. i wish it was as easy to clear my head as it was to delete files or clean up trash and throw it away. i want to dump out a bunch of old cache and pretend i dont know better because i dont have permanent files waiting to be brought up again. just pretend the things said and did to me years ago just didnt happen and arent fresh in my mind if i just think back. i want to honestly approach things with an irreplaceable innocence and wide eyes but even then i know ill be crushed harder and memories are just cushions to stop the fall. guess blogging is the closest way to clear your head but then you can always reread it and then its always more puke than therapeutic. i want to forgive you but i dont know which personality of yours to start with. that would have made it easier, you know, if you had kept to one persona. "please give a little respect to me" most people ask for it, beg for it even. not demand it. in a world of upset stomachs and unearned tears i dont think ive ever heard anyone demand it. theres a song to fit every single person and some people are just remixes. overplayed. summer jams. bsides. one hit wonders. hits from 10 years ago.

i should be trying to write a book right now. im sick of failure and mediocrity. i keep complaining about my life and where i am but only i can change that. i cant keep getting new ideas and letting old ones be replaced by each new one because its an endless circle. nothing is getting done. i need to stop making excuses and start making something of myself. the sad thing is i can get out of this slump if i TRY. basically ive been sitting in a ditch with the ladder to get out right next to me, but ive been waiting for a more expensive one to drop in because the one i have doesnt look good enough. i talk myself out of stepping onto it cos it might somehow break. i want something sturdier. but still, even sitting six feet under every single day i realize how lucky i am to have nothing physically wrong with me. i do thank god for that. i can walk, i can see, i can hear, i can dress myself, its dumb to be thankful for things like that but some people dont have what you take for granted. you can only be what you were born with, what you were given to work with. wanting to be anyone else is useless. change and try new things that interest you until you find who you are, but dont pretend to be someone else. pep talk yourself into believing in you and all you can be. never settle. that is part of why i wanna make it, because i want to show that you can make it if you just never give up on what you have and who you are.

and for the record, i really do love i am legend. read it. it will make you want to be the last person alive instead of dreading feeling like you are.

ps- oh and i watched iron man yesterday and loved it. hulk sucked but this made up for it, it doesnt take a lot in a super hero movie to make me happy. "proof that tony stark has a heart". cheesy, but i loved the whole thing.