let's play a game called "give up on me", you only lose if you dont

in line i forget i have no luck and buy lottery tickets still. not really to get rich quick, just to beat the odds. all it does is remind me i'm never going to win ever. "i don't really ever drink or smoke. this can be my vice." people say to count your wins and losses, but every win eventually became a loss. my desk probably has 3-4 tickets, none of them winners for the week they were supposed to be drawn on, but maybe months before or after. it doesnt do you any good then. it's like.. meeting your soulmate when you're already married. aol actually having someone that speaks english answer your call. the obese person in line ahead of you clutching bags of chips and some diet pop, "i don't really ever drink or smoke. this can be my vice." it's giving someone a birthday card and writing the wrong year in it. spraining your wrist putting on a back brace. going to the bar when you're already drunk. red ink on a check. imagine if more books had pictures, or at least gave you a visual one more.

i am impossible to deal with, i know personally. so many people hate me but so many people rip me off already. "let's be something we despise", wait that actually makes sense (hypo)critically. dunno how people like me, or how they manage to make me convinced they do. maybe they believe in me more than i do. whenever someone believes in someone you think of fairytales and weekly world news. that about sums it up. maybe i'm make believe. i want to be on pills to stablize my moods but it'll change who i was. what i really want is time off for good behavior, but i guess i'd have to start being good.

kind of makes no sense how people still keep their fingers crossed when their hope is secretly already lost. like maybe if you appear to believe in the unbelievable, the impossible will happen. the phone will never ring, and no they didn't copy the number wrong. the email will never come, and no it's not in your spambox. the check is not in the mail, so don't bother checking.

screaming in sports bars and smoke clouded eyes. ash that missed the tray and cigarette butts of the joke. drink glasses refilled like prescriptions. you can barely hear the tv anyway, thank god sports are mostly visual. if i cared about sports, i'd care i mean. i wanna go and hear stories exaggerated to be worth listening to. every day i seem to see a new character for a story, an inspiration, an idea.. something to make people think but i don't want to make a difference. just an impact. to cross your mind at least once in a lifetime. to hear "wow that's an amazing book." from a complete stranger even if i think it's just barely medicore. keep dreaming. you never really wake up from some of them. maybe more than you realize. one day someone will be reading this and relate. maybe that'll be enough.

where did i go wrong? i started caring again. sometimes that seems like a good thing, you're the only one that makes it that way. i want to love like i'm dying tomorrow cause it feels like i'm dying today. sorry if i seem so impatient but life is short and who knows when it's going to end. palm readers can tell you 86 but they can't foresee natural disasters like the likes of you and me. i want to keep my friends paused at their best so i never see them any other way. now someitmes i just sit and space off the way i used to in math class when i wasnt learning anything. years later im still not learning anything but the only difference is no one is really trying to teach me anything. nothing gets through. notihng ever feels real anymore. i cant relate to anyone. its not being selfish its just not being able to belong.

i don't really ever drink or smoke. you can be my vice.