hearts are a hope chest yet to be filled

the victims, the guilty, the car crashes, the ambulances, the lawyers chasing after them and the bills that follow for weaks on end. its the new food chain, with teeth sharper than nails keeping down a coffin lid. life whirls by me and every second ends for someone else. money is the reason i have done everything and havent done anything at the same time. stable. like a deep setting stone in water sinking slowly to the bottom past any form of life. the way a lawyer will never get to wait by the phone. the way police will never have a slow night. people are asking for change next to a temporary jobs building- but they can make $100 a day just asking. a bird dead on the sidewalk, fresh dirt dug up in the graveyard and im so worried about how many tears i am going to cry tonight, and why the one second i finally think im happy it all has to come crashing down with one simple statement. i'm a moth to a flame for things that stand out, people and things that are different and it always gets me burned. just that warm and toasty feeling before its too much makes it worth it. true love is already mourning. she'll ask me how i am and i'll say "nothing". tears dried on pages i wrote to forget. i want to be the good thought inside your head not the one that leads to regret. read the dictionary to find the words to tell you exactly how i feel and came up short. any of the words and things said will never match up to the love you read about growing up so it will never matter to you. it will go unrecognized. love is just another four letter word because of this. labeled observations virtually extinct. because of pages written glued in the binding before i even picked up a pen. success cut short, oxygen tanks on empty. every bridge we get over another one comes up to pass. another obsticle i cant get over. i wish i could hide in the shadows of doubt that seem to hover above me and draw out more than mask. my brain is a yellow traffic light waiting to turn red and then green but it's just constantly flashing stuck on yellow. i have an unhealthy obsession with an era i feel i probably had a past life in. wish i was the typed to be 'weighed down' by emotions and able to cut them free when they got to be too much but only ever met those types. my heart isnt beating in this lifetime, its a clock ticking away out of time. the light on things around me are always on energy conservation mode. the room grows darker and darker and although ive had two days of sleep in one i feel like i havent had any. even a caged bird has wings, still loves its owner. a caged bird can make friends with its own shadow, with its own voice. can sing its song and still be heard and have a happy heart even if its a hallow one. a caged bird can still find a way to be happy the second it forgets freedom. wish i had stayed in bed with blankets and sheets over my head instead of words said. wish i had stayed inside your head and never became real. everything i wanted to do with my life is forgotten with one cold shoulder and one shake of the pills. youre the medication that makes me happy and i cant take it when i dont have you.