my heart is ticking down to my last day

torn between proving the world wrong and somehow overcoming obstacles or making one person suffer by never writing again- never giving them anything to hold onto or emulate (they get it wrong anyway, everything they do). logic and being realistic, the truth that kills that spark of hope in your eyes. at some point you give up- you stop believing in magic and in yourself. life loses the shine that draws you to it. life stops being a never-ending journey with twists and turns and unlimited possibilities and it just becomes... something you have to get through to end up somewhere better. life turns into something with only one path leading to one outcome: an inevitable dead end with no u-turns. there are some days you don't expect to make it out of, and by the time your body hits the bed you realize tomorrow can't come soon enough- but why are we looking forward to a new day when it's going to be a repeat of the next. is there a point? what can you really do to change your life in a matter of a day? unless you suddenly come across a large amount of money or you drive out of town and start your life over tomorrow is just another day. i used to see the bigger picture but now i've found myself waiting this life out to get to the next one. chances gone and feeling wiser by feeling nothing.

congratulations- this is the one time i will give you attention. your existence is a contradiction because you don't- you exist by not existing, this is how you make a living: by dying. by making yourself as insignificant as possible and using it as your campaign slogan to get voters buying into your bullshit. you're making yourself miserable to feel something, to feel pity and needed because you can't get love and affection by being yourself. that's too boring isn't it? if you are miserable you have company, you don't have anyone when you're happy again. if nobody is worrying about you then how can you know they care? and if you let yourself be happy you'll lose it anyway, right? that girl you've been harassing to date you won't stick around when she realizes there's nothing underneath the surface, and the girls lonely enough to love you online will stop answering your HELP ME PLZ ims when they get tired of the same thing every other day. outgrow this soon before people outgrow you. you'll become a fad just like your mood, if you're even liked enough to be a fad in the first place. it gets old and so will you. crying wolf all the time nobody will take it seriously when it really is the final curtain- what a hairy situation.

i will get past this writers block, but i will never let you know it when i do.