could have had it vs almost made it

im the secret you keep screened. the comment you delete. the mistake you had. maybe ignoring me will make me disappear. ive already tried ignoring myself but im pissed you do it better than me. a couple grand goes down to barely 600. now its zip. talking about money is a lot easier than dealing without it. every thought i have makes me hate myself a little more. i just want to be reborn. reincarnated. die and start over. a new chance to be little and loved. to be liked. i got dealt a bad hand with the middle finger aimed right at me. i really got fucked over this round.

i don't really think anybody is anyone until they are loved.

anyways, jesus wasnt really born on christmas day it was really some time in april but we still pretend we care for a few seconds of the day. but really its all just about what you get or dont get. religion could be total bullshit and we dont find out until its too late. your either gonna wish you spent your time believing in god or wish you hadn't wasted so much time believing. i dont know if im more motivated to make something of myself or if im motivated to give up. the line between the right and wrong choice is so blurred i dont know which is which. maybe in 5 years ill look back on this and laugh. maybe in 5 years people will be mourning the 5th year since ive been dead. or forgetting i was even alive by then. who even knows.

i just broke down crying and didn't even realize it until a tear hit my leg. i never did anything to deserve this.

to me christmas is just another day but a little worse. instead of getting to hear people whine about what they don't have, they whine about what they didn't get. at least they got anything at all.

things you cant see can still exist. things you cant have shouldn't. i want to sleep through a decade. freeze me until things get better.