i've always wanted this kind of numbness. sooo. shouldn't i be more happy?

there's a gravel road out back that leads my mind somewhere else, could take me far away from my dreams or even clsoer to them. it just depends all on the dream. every time i look it changes a little bit. for a few moments i'm someone else, anyone else. my skin doesn't matter because i never felt like anyone. i was never me- i don't even know who i am so how can i be myself? i'm bits and pieces of everyone i've ever met's worst mistakes and best lost chances. turned away or turned around- everyone has made an impact on me but have i made one on them? the only thing good about me is my writing and the cost it comes for isn't worth it. but right now i haven't been having any dreams anyway. i sleep and wake up and that's it. i just wake up feeling a little more dead every day, everytime i pull myself out of bed. dead, empty, pointless. it feels like an end is near and it feels okay. mostly because i can't feel anything anymore. do you count on your friends, is that why you number them, starting with first to worst. both feet on the ground because noone and nothing knocks you off them anymore. i set myself up for this, a starving artist feeding off abuse. i tihnk about people gunned down in the street- was it really their time, was that really god's doing? what happens to the people god has plans for that don't live to fulfill them? if he has plans for everyone is that one of them? to just be another statistic, to have your 15 minutes just be 15 seconds on the local news? i hate when i think like this, but morbid is modest and modest is me. there's eventually a point where dreams end and you no longer live seeing things through clouded, hazy eyes. you no longer think of it as "i can", it's now "i could have." there's eventually a point where "what's wrong" is everything and "what isn't" is nothing. where it's easier to list off the few good things you have vs rambling off all the bad ones. and that's the point i'm at. where not a lot can be done, but everything can be done with.