my worst flaw is seeing the good in people

so much for the happy and optimistic writing we now return to our regularly scheduled boo hooing, even twice as much to make up for the one time we were happy. gotta keep the regular readers happy, i guess. at any price. the weird thing about crying is it either wakes you up or makes you tired- sometimes both depending on who you are crying over. hah. sick of just being the puffyfaced snot nosed kid crying into their sleeves because noone thinks theyre worth anything. sick of letting people in. i wasnt born right. a big part of me always feels like im someone im not. so ill never be enough because really, im not completed. and now ill never believe anyone again. this is why i got so paranoid and why i should have stayed untrusting. giving someone the "benefit of the doubt" is so last year. i feel dumb for caring, for believing, for letting her in. it should have never mattered but it did and it does and there's no going back to "doesn't", only back to "alone". it'll always just be my fingerprints left on the window after looking in, never really knowing what it's like to belong. just getitng a glimpse. if you don't look in it shouldn't matter, but it's human nature to want to belong, to want to be around others instead of always on the outside. crash and burn not like flames but more like a flicker, a spark that could have mattered. i scare myself, i guess. when i plan it out, it will happen. it's just the "when" that changes. 33 days. it should be.. the only two emotions i'll ever feel are hate and hurt. unless "stupid" counts then three. instead i feel hope and that's what ever gets me in this position. i sit with my jaw dropped in surprise but nothing should shock me at this point, i could lie like you taught me to and say "i've been hurt worse by better people" but i thought you were the best. if my phone ever rings, i never even answer it i just question it- who it is, why they'd call, and who it isn't and why they won't. i wish i could be more like her and not care. shut people out. dont ever question if its not the best way. i can tell you from this side and this day that it most definitely is. sometimes i think i'd rather feel nothing than feel anything if it's going to feel like this. push the snow aside with a newspaper and save a spot for me on an empty park bench, if emotions are possessions ive got nothing left to lose.

xo.