swept under the welcome mat

the only thing telling me to go to sleep is common sense. i should by all rights be tired right now. i don't feel awake or tired- it's a weird state to be in. i think this book is going to be so far out there, i get so many ideas that are stupid and i want to put them all into one book so people can't put it down. maybe it'll end up a "i wish i thought of that first" thing. who knows. i want it to be unique. i want it to feel like it's set in the future with a ton of new inventions and concepts we don't have today but have it be written for now. i have to get back into my goal of writing a little bit each day, even if it's just a line.

i love getting to the point where all that matters to me is you being around- i live and exist or cease to whenever you sign on or off. i didn't mean to hurt you, it's just kind of a defense mechanism. funny how it's meant to help but it only fucks things up more. just remember. it's got what it takes- heart and the thick skin to hold it in. i meant everything i said to you, especially "i'm sorry". for once i think i'm needed as much as i need. i'm definitely not used to that.

i wish my best friend still lived in town and never moved away with her family. she never cared what i did and was still my best friend. i think losing her was the closest thing i've felt to losing a loved one by death.

i know this entry isn't anything too fancy but if i am going to be serious about this book i might as well write about it somewhere. i've got so much on my mind.

i know i may bring you down when i'm down, but hang in there. when i'm up i'm taking you there with me.