i've noticed how when you want to lie you'll lay down for anyone.

fiction always has a little truth to it, any great author knows that. even the not so great ones. this was written based on you. "it never rains in california" but it always feels like rain in places like seattle, even without the actual rain. days to him were spent inside sleeping, sulking, and nights standing at windows looking out at what he's missing. the answering machine kicked on and after a beep she said "i love you" but it was just more like a pause in conversation. a pause in a lifespan. a filler. "i love you" she said it with a pause before she hung up, either a hesitated pause, a "oh fuck what did i just do" or she expected to hear it back somehow. or more likely, it was cut off. like, "i love you- for now." not forever. the only forever she knew was whoever's phone ringing and ringing. forever was the same empty spot in her bed next to her. before, she'd sing to him on the answering machine, mostly because all the boys she tried to call before were out with another girl. she knew he never was. but he never listen to any of them. it's just same thing everytime. he always just clicked delete. there's never any real feeling to it. she just needs to feel needed. at the edge of her bed and the end of her rope, the phone fell out of her hands as one last time for the night, she admitted defeat. she'd start over, the same list, the same people, first thing in the morning. hopeless holly. desperate donna. she's got a new name if you've got the time. any you care to spare she'll take. "i love you." when it was said from her lips was never really what it was meant to be. it was more like "i need you" or "i want you", love was still at the end of fables. on the tv screen written into scripts. she wished her life was fiction so that love could be real. she was so far from finding it. after all, someone else had wrote the book on love, all she could do was read it and try to understand. try to relate to something she'd never really felt. and all he was was a sheet to fall back on and be caught up with when everyone else let her go. someone to catch her when no one else is there. and he knew it, so he knew better than to fall for it. "i love you" was said because her best friend slept with her boyfriend and now she was alone again. "i love you" was said because she was stood up at the movie theatre. her date never showed but her disappointment did. it was written all over her face, and her voice on the phone. "i love you" was said because she didn't have a date to the dance, and she'd rather not go than go alone. all she wanted was someone to hold her. but that was the problem- she just wanted anyone. no standards. when you love like a river everyone is going to be the rain on your parade, no one will be anything but a current or a wave. no one could ever tell just when those innocent gold eyes got tarnished. born with bad luck. he was always there for her but not the way she wanted. friends only. still, he was all she ever knew. he'd always be there at the other end of the IM, the phone, but he was never enough. he was never enough the same way she was never enough for him. some people spend all of their lives never being enough. every day she'd call, he'd hang up. he knew he was a number in line and no one likes waiting in lines, ever. she never learns this so he never cares. nobody wants her. and it just goes on and on until he changes his phone number. the story goes on because she still knows where he lives. but he wasn't the one that needed to change anything, it was her.