i never wanted to be like this but who ever gets what they want

the world is different outside at midnight, a lot scarier, but people arent any more dangerous than they are in the day- it just feels that way. its actually better because there arent as many people around. not even the moon tonight. no one wants to witness this. met a cool drunk girl i'll never see again that you couldnt write to life. fiction is always a lot better in the flesh.

i want to punch a wall.
i want to be the wall, but thats impossible because im always breaking down.
i can't feel aynthing but stupid.

she's signing on to check on me and see if im okay, but its just an allusion to make sure i'm still pressed under her thumb.
when she signs off she's already got osmeone else in mind.
you'll never be enough to keep her happy.
let alone keep her.
when you lose your cool shes either just rolling her eyes or laughing at you. neither reaction is favorable.

i saw this moment in a dream, only living it out is a nightmare. call it paranoia but my insides feel like they are fighting with themselves for no real reason. i have songs stuck in my head that i don't even know, i've never even heard before. i'll live on but part of me just died. done t/rusting away. it feels more like my brain is working too hard but not letting me in on anything going on with it rather than not working at all. but you are never sure what is worse. tonight killed the last part of me that had any good left in it, that had any faith.

why have morals if you have no one to keep them with. it wasnt me that changed, it was you. and that changed me. ne w me.