The kind of friends that steal flowers from another grave to leave on yours.

Phase 2. I've finally reached phase 2 and I have never wanted to have to face it yet. Dreaded the day even. Detached. It was a blue print in a master plan I thought would be cool to have but now it has been put into action. I thought I would be more excited than I am for this. I feel like this is a video game and I've leveled up but I'm sitting here thinking "what the fuck" in my new environment, facing the same enemies who have grown stronger, wondering if I have as well... but each tear and bruise making me doubt it. My hit points and health meter are down to a dangerously low level. Recovering feels more like a year long rehab than a simple power up around the corner. There's a reset button in my head and someone found out where and pressed it while pushing all my other buttons. Blinking and napping have never felt like such a restart as this suddenly has, but this one will probably be wasted as well. Make promises to see how creatively they can be broken. Sitting outside I feel a million miles out of my own skin, staring up at birds that probably are as frustrated at the lack of direction in their escape routes as I am. The frustration brings me to tears if I let it. But I swear to God it feels like I haven't blinked in an hour. I can't hear my own thoughts over the beating of my heart. Maybe it is a defense mechanism. Can you still see the beauty in a dying flower? Has it died with you? The whole field has turned to wilting gold. It smells like tomorrow being filtered through yesterday. The air is thick and warm, it feels as if it's been breathed in and out until it doesn't make sense anymore. Shelved out. Every buried doubt reaching up from the ground and pulling at my ankles with skeletal fingers. Resurfacing behind my back. Making sure I haven't forgotten I don't belong where I want to be. Or anywhere.

I blame myself for everything, still taking all the blame doesn't fill this emptiness.

Replaced. Shipped. How I feel no longer matters, and the only time my feelings were paid attention to were long enough to make sure I knew how little I mean to you. Got it (or technically, don't). I shut off the part of me that feels anything. What I could never do to you. You think I would learn by how easily it has been done to me over and over, but I will never understand how to restock someone who means something to me. How long have you had this replacement waiting? When the new me breaks down or isn't as colorful as what you expected me to be, maybe I will be here.

Attachmeant. This is NOT what you do to me but what I let you do to me.

And honestly, I am destroyed. Nothing but now complex mechanics that are in temporary or permanent disarray. I lost a part of me, and I don't think I want that part back.

Happy now?

your third wheel has been derailed.

the cleaner my apartment looks the more crowded my head feels. i wish it was as easy to clear my head as it was to delete files or clean up trash and throw it away. i want to dump out a bunch of old cache and pretend i dont know better because i dont have permanent files waiting to be brought up again. just pretend the things said and did to me years ago just didnt happen and arent fresh in my mind if i just think back. i want to honestly approach things with an irreplaceable innocence and wide eyes but even then i know ill be crushed harder and memories are just cushions to stop the fall. guess blogging is the closest way to clear your head but then you can always reread it and then its always more puke than therapeutic. i want to forgive you but i dont know which personality of yours to start with. that would have made it easier, you know, if you had kept to one persona. "please give a little respect to me" most people ask for it, beg for it even. not demand it. in a world of upset stomachs and unearned tears i dont think ive ever heard anyone demand it. theres a song to fit every single person and some people are just remixes. overplayed. summer jams. bsides. one hit wonders. hits from 10 years ago.

i should be trying to write a book right now. im sick of failure and mediocrity. i keep complaining about my life and where i am but only i can change that. i cant keep getting new ideas and letting old ones be replaced by each new one because its an endless circle. nothing is getting done. i need to stop making excuses and start making something of myself. the sad thing is i can get out of this slump if i TRY. basically ive been sitting in a ditch with the ladder to get out right next to me, but ive been waiting for a more expensive one to drop in because the one i have doesnt look good enough. i talk myself out of stepping onto it cos it might somehow break. i want something sturdier. but still, even sitting six feet under every single day i realize how lucky i am to have nothing physically wrong with me. i do thank god for that. i can walk, i can see, i can hear, i can dress myself, its dumb to be thankful for things like that but some people dont have what you take for granted. you can only be what you were born with, what you were given to work with. wanting to be anyone else is useless. change and try new things that interest you until you find who you are, but dont pretend to be someone else. pep talk yourself into believing in you and all you can be. never settle. that is part of why i wanna make it, because i want to show that you can make it if you just never give up on what you have and who you are.

and for the record, i really do love i am legend. read it. it will make you want to be the last person alive instead of dreading feeling like you are.

ps- oh and i watched iron man yesterday and loved it. hulk sucked but this made up for it, it doesnt take a lot in a super hero movie to make me happy. "proof that tony stark has a heart". cheesy, but i loved the whole thing.