i would still go see genesis in concert even if i was this sick

funny how "you should try my shoes on for size" comes from someone that wears shoes my size- and i can see exactly where you are coming from without even having to.
in with no outs-
spongelike insides.
actually things are exactly like they seem.
i love you for being here for me even when i'm not completely here myself.
currently my head feels like a boombox that you cant hear through the speakers anymore but still blares music on the inside.
like if i blow my nose it might change the radio station or make the song skip.

"i almost believed you"

i cant sleep anymore. im tired at times when i cant sleep and awake when i can. when you're living in a world where anything can be faked, how can you tell what's real? i cant control anything about myself anymore. the closest thing to a reset button on life is either a.) a makeover b.) moving out of town or c.) forgiving. i hate relating to songs that have nothing to do with what i'm feeling. i hate feeling remorse for letting go of things i don't want back. see what i mean? this is why i can't sleep..

cant decide what to do with short stories i write that aren't full novels- post them online or compile them for a book of short stories? im not so worried about the profit as i am the product. if people are reading it and like it i got what i wanted out of it.

blah. i wish i had someone else making decisions for me for the first time in my life.

now i am going to try to sleep. goodnight

i know you miss me without you saying a word- your lifestyle shows it because it isnt half as good as it was with me.

"and yeah. i'm doing well," i would say if you ever asked, "but i still remember you."
good ties/times.

compassion for the people that mow grass for a living during winter,
compassion for the snowblowers that fight to get temporary jobs during the summer.
helping to be helped, not to actually help them.
the way "how are you"s always turn into it being about the person that asked. how they are. and on and on.
one plus one can sometimes equal a negative answer.
the way maps dont really take you anywhere you want to go.
understanding you're not ink on a paper but you ARE just a statistic-
unless you stand out.
and sometimes even then you're still just a statistic.

i like being related to, not relationships. at least not any i've seen yet. i like to read, but not reading into things. but i still do.

six feet under buried in the back of my mind, scratching the surface does not equal scratching the lid of your coffin.

fuck. maybe we are meant to take our time. eachothers.

i dont even know who this is to. just random thoughts i have in my head. thank you for reading them.

yes- writers are egomanics and control freaks

how do you let go of something.. of someone.. how can you really believe that bullshit that "its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" when you were better off without having felt that high and come crashing down? does that mean it wasnt love and it was temporary insanity? its not temporary if it never goes away. had a really fucked up dream last night where i realized i went wrong and the exact moment when- high school. actually even good dreams are always a good source of misery so maybe i should call it a nightmare. no one died or got hurt and nothing scary happened, but something i cant have did and waking up without it made me feel empty so it might as well have been a nightmare. the sad thing is this happens almost every night. burying yourself in memories is a way to die and not be forgotten- or at least not forget anyone else. and when you're living in the past you forget who you are anyway. blah. can i just fast forward to the future where everything is better than this? i mean it has to get better, right? i think that's the hope and thought that gets us through each day. even if it's full of shit. if you lose hope that things WILL get better, you'll just be another statistic that gave up too soon or maybe not soon enough. so if you ever have that hope? hold onto it.