let's play a game called "give up on me", you only lose if you dont

in line i forget i have no luck and buy lottery tickets still. not really to get rich quick, just to beat the odds. all it does is remind me i'm never going to win ever. "i don't really ever drink or smoke. this can be my vice." people say to count your wins and losses, but every win eventually became a loss. my desk probably has 3-4 tickets, none of them winners for the week they were supposed to be drawn on, but maybe months before or after. it doesnt do you any good then. it's like.. meeting your soulmate when you're already married. aol actually having someone that speaks english answer your call. the obese person in line ahead of you clutching bags of chips and some diet pop, "i don't really ever drink or smoke. this can be my vice." it's giving someone a birthday card and writing the wrong year in it. spraining your wrist putting on a back brace. going to the bar when you're already drunk. red ink on a check. imagine if more books had pictures, or at least gave you a visual one more.

i am impossible to deal with, i know personally. so many people hate me but so many people rip me off already. "let's be something we despise", wait that actually makes sense (hypo)critically. dunno how people like me, or how they manage to make me convinced they do. maybe they believe in me more than i do. whenever someone believes in someone you think of fairytales and weekly world news. that about sums it up. maybe i'm make believe. i want to be on pills to stablize my moods but it'll change who i was. what i really want is time off for good behavior, but i guess i'd have to start being good.

kind of makes no sense how people still keep their fingers crossed when their hope is secretly already lost. like maybe if you appear to believe in the unbelievable, the impossible will happen. the phone will never ring, and no they didn't copy the number wrong. the email will never come, and no it's not in your spambox. the check is not in the mail, so don't bother checking.

screaming in sports bars and smoke clouded eyes. ash that missed the tray and cigarette butts of the joke. drink glasses refilled like prescriptions. you can barely hear the tv anyway, thank god sports are mostly visual. if i cared about sports, i'd care i mean. i wanna go and hear stories exaggerated to be worth listening to. every day i seem to see a new character for a story, an inspiration, an idea.. something to make people think but i don't want to make a difference. just an impact. to cross your mind at least once in a lifetime. to hear "wow that's an amazing book." from a complete stranger even if i think it's just barely medicore. keep dreaming. you never really wake up from some of them. maybe more than you realize. one day someone will be reading this and relate. maybe that'll be enough.

where did i go wrong? i started caring again. sometimes that seems like a good thing, you're the only one that makes it that way. i want to love like i'm dying tomorrow cause it feels like i'm dying today. sorry if i seem so impatient but life is short and who knows when it's going to end. palm readers can tell you 86 but they can't foresee natural disasters like the likes of you and me. i want to keep my friends paused at their best so i never see them any other way. now someitmes i just sit and space off the way i used to in math class when i wasnt learning anything. years later im still not learning anything but the only difference is no one is really trying to teach me anything. nothing gets through. notihng ever feels real anymore. i cant relate to anyone. its not being selfish its just not being able to belong.

i don't really ever drink or smoke. you can be my vice.

"the battle of who could care less"...

is only good until it's over and all the caring is gone then no one cares at all.
and i'm dangerously close to that point.
i see things from two different views-
like someone involved and someone watching from the outside.
obviously the views conflict each other-
from the inside view it's unbarable,
from the outside view it's resolvable.
the funny thing is you gotta care a lot to care less..
think about that before you let it all go.
blah.
so tired, from lack of sleep or lack of you.
the sheets don't feel welcoming.
"one more chance" never has a limit, it's just a prelude.
a story you're giving the chance to be told.
"one more chance" is a beginning sentence to a paragraph.
not an ending chapter, not an finale the way it's meant to be.
it's more of a "read between the lines" than a threat.
a reward instead of a warning.
i keep saying i'll throw in the towel but all i really do with it is lay it down for you to walk on.
every morning its like a different sun hits my skin with the way i keep wanting a new beginning.
but every night its the same chill putting me back where i (don't) belong.

time goes backwards cause you turn my world around.

i wish i had xray vision so i could tell when a skittle wasn't gonna be the flavor it is on the outside.

"drops a coin in the jukebox not the phone on the wall"

im reminded why i stopped being nice to everyone,
being nice means putting your spine on hold.
i cant afford to do that anymore.
no matter what this is where i end up.
most hated,
my stomach is in "nots".
every vein just leads to disaster and dead ends,
dead beginnings.
we killed off originality cause too many people were doing it.
the motivation to prove people wrong took a sharp u-turn.
being better than this is still being worse off.
this is why people disappear for years.
for ever.
this is why they change their name.
why they drop off the face of the earth.
lost and trying to not be found.
a map held upside down on purpose.
still it somehow makes sense.
sometimes the back of a milk carton purposely faces the back of the fridge.
the back of your mind.
part of me wants to take a pen and a plan and leave for a while-
but i've never been one to make people happy.