i am trying to be a good person but then emotions get in the way of things.

"silly thinker, everything great to be thought of has already been said. the earth has been around for centries. you've only been around for years. what makes you think you can make any difference?"

and so, we'll see.

"with the glass so dark they wont even know your name"

every person you hate is who you secretly idolize by your actions. or you just hate who you idolize. you pay more attention to who you dislike than who you like. you pay attention to the boring and construct ways to tear them down. you are getting off on the fascinating reactions of the hate letters you send. its like if love doesnt work try the next strongest emotion. or is hate the strongest? hating was usually liking at some point, even if you dont ever remember when. consumed with matters that dont matter. if someone is wasting their life dont waste yours writing or worrying about it. really id rather you not. put the rest in interest and let things go. bring down the world by being happy. really. there is a lot to learn about standing tall when everyone wants you to be down. keep a smile on your face. dont ever let them catch you crying. thats the only way to win. now we've got the lesson but we still have to learn. turn the clocks ahead to 4am to get it done with. the microphone is always off when you tap it. the lights only turn on when you go. i know you from a mile away, i just wish it was more miles away. and that i didnt know you at all. scattered thoughts picked up by someone else. careless and carefree are essentially the same thing. you make your choices and you live with them? more like die with them. keep th/sinking sweetheart. my mind is a mess but at least its my own. flip another page in the book you are pretending to read. i got a book you can borrow- there is even a part dedicated to you, it's called "the end." write another page in the journal about your life you are pretending to live. to you it would be classified as romance or classic but that'd imply you know anything about love. you dont. you cant know what you havent learned anything on. my spirit is crushed just enough to keep it d/owned. there is a net but the dreams and butterflies slip through the strings. maybe we should stop trying to pull them. there is a dream waiting to be had but im always awake. there is a vision to see but i've never looked right at it. i blink to keep my life from flashing before my eyes. she only cares when there is a threat. when the wrinkles in the sheets arent on both sides. knives out but pointed at yourself. base it all on me. put down your guards and forget to pick them back up. broken walls and brick hearts. wear a welcome mat on your back or just get it tattoed. might as well. the secrets through cement, deep under the fingernAILS. resting what is left of this body over her grave years in advance. sometimes i really believe love is blind enough to see through this.

yeah maybe.

i have pretty much decided my life right now is punishment for my life before. but okay? i get it? really. you can stop at any time and give me everything back unscathed. i'll actually be thankful for it all now instead of taking it for granted. anything has got to be better than meaning nothing to your everything. this is a one person convention and they are partying all over your spine. used to be on cloud nine but now i've got no rope for that kind of extension. like reading what other people write hoping for a mention- to be remembered the only needed pension. like throwing out dna hoping for no tension. like sitting trapped in a cellar waiting for attention. no chains but no hope. you could free yourself but you've been up there so long you forget how to get out. it would be nice to smile and remember you still can. it would be nice to break out a hammer thick enough for a wall built for one. it seems i'm the only one that can't find a way through it. my brain is someone else's and i'm just doing what i can until i get my mind back. it may be a while. pretty much it's just pages and mixed data awaiting file. can i love with what is left to love, but its not a lot. returned to sender but it back i never got. for now my fingers are bruised and bleeding, cut and retreating and life waits right outside that window. at least it waits, but who knows if we have that long. everyone else gave up hope on me, i guess to get past this all would be pretty dope of me.

finally figured out how "every breath you take" could be about death

think of it as two parts.
as a spirit, a ghost, looking down on their spouse that lives on without them.
and the widows life is rendered impossible to live without them because they stay on their mind.
weighing on every decision,
every breath they take.
even subconsciously.
like the whole point of someone dying and becoming a ghost is they are a restless spirit..
miserable. unable to go to heaven and not in hell but still feeling like they are anyway.
the person they loved living on without them would be a reason to be restless. for their soul to become a ghost.
but i digress.. i kinda still hope its about stalking anyway.
probably thinking too much into it.
but sting was a teacher at oxford, so maybe he did too.

anyway..
you are supposed to live without regret.
you are supposed to take chances.
funny how it seems impossible to do both.
you are supposed to forgive and forget.
yet not regret.
yeah i'm just not seeing the logic, sorry.
two wrongs don't make you right.

all i can do is wake up every day and fall asleep at night.
the rest in between is never up to me.