even the most boring people have at least one interesting story to tell

you might be dealing out the cards but they are in my hand. not sure you can fly this thing any better than me but you are welcome to take the wheel and get me over my own head. so this is what its like on the other side of the tracks- almost got hit on my way over. glad i made it to see things from this view. the grass really is a lot greener but i'm not sure that matters. it's just healthier.

not sure what this means but tonight i think i am falling asleep with a smile on my face.. i think it means i'm too tired to feel anything but what the sleeping pill wants me to.

together wendy we'll live with the sadness, ill love you with all the madness in my soul

a friend: im a pretty mellow, nice person but coke made me a heartless asshole
a friend: i mistook that for being confident at the time but yeah, that's what it was
me: so where can i get some coke?
me: lose weight AND be heartless. sign me up

hearts are a hope chest yet to be filled

the victims, the guilty, the car crashes, the ambulances, the lawyers chasing after them and the bills that follow for weaks on end. its the new food chain, with teeth sharper than nails keeping down a coffin lid. life whirls by me and every second ends for someone else. money is the reason i have done everything and havent done anything at the same time. stable. like a deep setting stone in water sinking slowly to the bottom past any form of life. the way a lawyer will never get to wait by the phone. the way police will never have a slow night. people are asking for change next to a temporary jobs building- but they can make $100 a day just asking. a bird dead on the sidewalk, fresh dirt dug up in the graveyard and im so worried about how many tears i am going to cry tonight, and why the one second i finally think im happy it all has to come crashing down with one simple statement. i'm a moth to a flame for things that stand out, people and things that are different and it always gets me burned. just that warm and toasty feeling before its too much makes it worth it. true love is already mourning. she'll ask me how i am and i'll say "nothing". tears dried on pages i wrote to forget. i want to be the good thought inside your head not the one that leads to regret. read the dictionary to find the words to tell you exactly how i feel and came up short. any of the words and things said will never match up to the love you read about growing up so it will never matter to you. it will go unrecognized. love is just another four letter word because of this. labeled observations virtually extinct. because of pages written glued in the binding before i even picked up a pen. success cut short, oxygen tanks on empty. every bridge we get over another one comes up to pass. another obsticle i cant get over. i wish i could hide in the shadows of doubt that seem to hover above me and draw out more than mask. my brain is a yellow traffic light waiting to turn red and then green but it's just constantly flashing stuck on yellow. i have an unhealthy obsession with an era i feel i probably had a past life in. wish i was the typed to be 'weighed down' by emotions and able to cut them free when they got to be too much but only ever met those types. my heart isnt beating in this lifetime, its a clock ticking away out of time. the light on things around me are always on energy conservation mode. the room grows darker and darker and although ive had two days of sleep in one i feel like i havent had any. even a caged bird has wings, still loves its owner. a caged bird can make friends with its own shadow, with its own voice. can sing its song and still be heard and have a happy heart even if its a hallow one. a caged bird can still find a way to be happy the second it forgets freedom. wish i had stayed in bed with blankets and sheets over my head instead of words said. wish i had stayed inside your head and never became real. everything i wanted to do with my life is forgotten with one cold shoulder and one shake of the pills. youre the medication that makes me happy and i cant take it when i dont have you.

i want a love like the one in the notebook.

we live in a time where we're literally running out of it.
for every ten things we accompish all ten will go ignored.
sick of half living and allways dying.
picked the one that didnt pick me.
i relate to movies more than i ever want to.
lost the ability to tell if caring or not caring is easier.. easier to do or easier on you-
they are pretty equal right now.
realizing you're alone and that is how it is always going to be.
for every idea i remember i think i forget ten..
pick up a pen because it won't let you down.
if no one will remember you at least no one will forget.
they call it suffocating and they're right, i just wish i'd choke.
you'll forget where you stand if you're head over heels.
i know, i have.
emptiness is a huge reminder of what you don't have. it seems obvious, but not until you think about it.

currently:
wanting to quit everything to accomplish your goals, at least the biggest one of them.
bit my tongue so much it hurts to talk. so i don't.
i never put anyone before you and maybe that's where i go wrong.
thinking- yes this is a feat that needs noted as it is not always done.
i was born to laugh last - this is a reminder.
writing soon. its really all i have.

im sorry.