and i'll kiss cement and fists before i ever kiss ass.

i deleted an entry i wrote just because i felt stupid after i wrote it- why would i let someone get to me? i'm happy with my life and where it is headed- even if i feel like i'm constantly stuck in a traffic jam to get there- why would i care if they're not? why do THEY care? so, basically, i am shrugging off people that are rude to me and harass me on the internet behind a computer screen that have never met me. let em hate. i'm using my words for something better. there are better things to do with your time. find some. xo.

rationality- overrated since 2003

glad some people would rather have attention than friends. it shows.

ps- what i said was obviously true if it got such a reaction.

you eating your words for supper is only comforting if you choke

"and yeah i cried."
saying this to a brick wall, someone that wouldn't even hand you sandpaper to dry your tears.
theres a list and youre not at the top.
you can shrug it off but its still there.
write til the pen runs out of ink, cold blood still ru(i)ns her viens.
"does it make you feel better to know that- do you feel anything at all?"
piss on the grave of the last person who cared if you're still standing.
life only looks okay from 60 mph when you're not able to pay attention to the details laying roadside.
out of sight and out of(your) mind-
though really im still out of your mind when im in the same room.
"you were hurt when you were a kid- but i'm not going to hurt you and you're not a kid anymore."
this results in maybe a blink. maybe a click.
it's easy to say and ignore what you dont wanna hear and even easier to hurt someone else than it is to care.
spring cleaning to her is putting you on the shelf.
swept under the rug for safe keeping or safe out of sight of anyone that might look down on the mess youve left lying around.
lying. funny how you hate liars but you are slowly turning into the worst one ive known- or is it best?
either way..
she doesnt care who is starving when she has food on her plate
she doesnt care who is homeless from under the roof over her head
she doesnt care whos alone when shes got someone else to turn to
she doesnt care about headaches as long as its not in her head
or heartaches outside of her own chest
words are useless to her cause she has no use for you.
i just cant deal with someone that doesnt give a shit about anyone but themselves.
backspace, delete, x out, hang up, log out, caps locks on and sign off.
my head and heart hurt and i cant let you do this to me anymore.

just keeping you on the edge of your seat in the hopes you fall off it

i'm not saying i'm better than you, just that i'm happy and you're not.
which technically.. is better.
being trashed is better than being thrown away.
being wasted is better than being garbage.
what one person doesn't want someone else wouldn't dream of letting go.

sure i may be a doormat,
but im not one that says youre welcome on it.
since even doormats wear out sometimes you should find a new one.

on the same hand i want to meet someone i cant replace.
someone that can be wrong sometimes or just say they are to end a fight- because i mean more than that to them.
someone i cant shrug off as another loss when i lose them.
first impressions are the worst because no one is ever like they seem the first day you meet them.
sometimes that is good though.
so many people dislike me because i'm honest.
or maybe because they wish they could be too.
little known secret- id rather make your day than ruin it.
but i guess either way you let me make an impact-
not a lot of people have that effect on someone.
i have it on everyone.

i envy the way she forgives like i always want to, but i know i never can.
but it makes me respect her that much more.
there is so much i can learn from her already but id rather talk than write notes.
i wish i could get outside of my own head- not into yours,
but close enough that i could be.

things i'll look back on and say i made it happen:
i want to write the book you can't put down before bed.
the book you're an hour late to work reading to get to the end.
i want to write the book you wish you wrote.
the book you've always wanted to read.
i want to write the book that changes your mind.
not a book that changes the world- but that puts changes into the world.
i want to change how people look at pages- not as numbered, more like extinct.
a book that reads like you went to a movie without the additional cost of $10 popcorn and soda.
i want my book to be on your nightstand because you want to read it again and there will be details you missed.
most of all i want to hear you love my writing.
i want to be on first name basis with all the best writers- and they go from idols to peers. to people.
and think about it, there aren't any famous authors with my name. yet.
maybe i'm aiming too high but did anyone ever tell nasa they couldn't reach for the stars?
probably- but they did anyway.

i am anyway.

"every time you go away, take a piece of me with you"

soon i will

i just want to be able to say "i dunno why they're bothering fucking with me. i wrote the book on revenge."

just because you make friends it doesnt mean you made friends.

just because you made friends it doesnt mean you are gonna keep them.