apologetically dressed in the best

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

i dont believe the sun really rises anymore.

the room got 5 degrees colder before you even left, and even colder once you were gone. now that the rose colored glasses gone my eyes have lost their shine, my heart has lost its hope. whether i move forward or not at this point is trivial. the last time i saw a spider crawling in the hallway i let it go on, for i know that i might not. life should be somewhere, if it doesnt exist within me. i shut the cover and every color image changed to gray.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

am i more disappointed in the lies or in me for believing them?

the way the sun radiates against the snow almost makes it feel like a bright stage light on a prop set built in 30 rushed minutes but i am still walking through it with the innocence of a child believing in santa, saying every line you want to hear as convincingly as i am convinced. like maybe they DID build rome in a day. like maybe that is all life really is, just fake props and fake people with scripted lines and blood about as real as fairydust. its sad there are people out there still unable to grow and learn from every experience and change from it as much as i have and for the better. thats the only reason i dont roll my eyes and retaliate- keep in mind the best revenge really is ignoring. letting negative people under your skin only keeps them on your arm. i dont get it. its not like im not trying to win a popularity contest or anything, if i was id be disappointed when i was sent home the second round. i am happy with the friends i have. sunday boring sunday. i want a quick way to drain every idea out of my head and into a spine. a success. i'm more impatient with myself than anyone else could ever be. i just cant wait to be above all the shit-talking and shit-stalking.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

dear world,

my mind is rotting away and i must apologize to you at once. i am sorry for the beast i have unleashed, for it is now spreading a trail of plague and fatigue wherever it goes. though what seemed like a good idea at the time months later has been exposed as the worst decision of my life. now the best intentions lay ruined in its path and eyes fight sleep after hearing the beasts repeated attempts at bonding with a human being during its mating call rituals performed on anyone that will answer. you know exactly what i mean, and if you dont you havent been paying attention. notice the flesh of a once good person with a gleam in their eye parish to expose the scarred and bleeding core thriving on dishonesty. "how can you not destory what you created?" "when it gets a life of its own." avoid this monster, it multiplies to conquer and destroy what is out of reach. turn your cheek while you still have your head on your shoulders. once you let it get under your skin this parasite will eat you alive one bite at a time until theyve taken the life from you. until you cant live without it. all we can do is ignore and avoid, hold our crosses up like garlic to vampires and our bibles under our arms like armor from athetists and pray that this demon returns to hell alone before we all go there first, hoping that hell turns out to be a better place than this. we can beat what we fear by becoming it- but i would rather keep my soul until i find the highest bidder. "i am a better person, i am a better person, i am better than you and what you put me through" the new pledge of allegance for america.

this will probably be deleted by the time i wake up.