you vote democrat or republician, you dont vote wrong or right

this is supposedly a place to get away from your problems-
supposedly.

its what they say but ive yet to see it be anything but a cause of them. i dont understand the dramatics involved with the internet. and yet it seems like im always in the center of all of it. i always want to be right when im wronged. and to have someone see it from my view even when im only seeing one side too.

oh well.

its not like this is the first time in history someone innocent has been proven guilty- and its not like its going to be the last either. i don't want to play the game of "he said she said" to win anything if i'm dragging everyone down with me. fighting to save a crew vs fighting to save one life. i'll just lose more in the end if i choose the latter.

you cant just roll your eyes behind a computer screen- no one will see it. you have to hit caps locks and post public entries. hold down shift, 1111 if you have to but thats even breaking some sort of code of the internet. no one uses "!" except for newbz and like forrest kline. basically i think some people get upset for the novelty of it. they wear it like an accessory on their way to fitting in. the fact it looks good to hurt from something everyone thinks was bad.

bandwagons arent just for bands anymore.

"i was sad to lose your friendship" changes to "how bad you fucked me over" it makes you look more human than you are- to overreact, instead of just having one line in the script, they steal the spotlight and play the victim.

sometimes a liar is just a contradiction trying to find the truth. and with there being the "right" and "wrong" things to say, one can often be mislead between "right" and "right now".

though some good did come out of tonight, some bad. the good is always just enough to make me look forward to tomorrow by the time my head hits the pillow. and the bad is always already forgotten by the time i pick it back up.

i guess the only way you really lose a friend is to hang onto one that is already gone.

ps

we don't fight fair.

i always wanted to write like this but look at the costs

want to see a gypsy to trade this life for something better.
want to hear the lies that its going to get better,
that i got the thick skin needed to get there.
whats worse- wasting time with wishing or believing such bullshit.
"things will get better."
meanwhile i'm hanging on but losing grip-
a thread away from giving up.
less and less sleep.
im falling apart a little more every time i open my eyes.
its like i know i might as well be awake while i still can.
its almsot over.
i hate sleeping because no matter what i dream its a better place.
i hate waking up and realizing where i am-
or more- where i am not.
yawns to keep me awake or put me back to sleep.
the safe place.
what hurts worse- barely living or slowly dying?
trick question, same thing.
what started out as a sick joke is now becoming a blueprint.
but only if i can even make it that long.
my best thought out plans come off as suicide notes.
my life story sounds like one big apology, "sorry."
"lifespan" but i'll be the first to admit ive yet to have a life.
i cant even look in the mirror and see the same person looking back everytime.
ive gotten more and more sloppy- with chores and you.
given the chance to make things better, you only make them worse.
but how can you save me anyway-
when you need help yourself?
i feel invisible- not that you can't see me, just that noone does.
i cant make this feeling go away.
i start to think it will but i realize im not needed.
seems like the sun comes out a lot less now.
if this is what it feels like please make me stop feeling.
part of me wants it to be the end of the world so i'm done suffering alone.
i dont even want to be around anymore.
things are only getting worse instead of better.
the sky will still be gray whether im around to see it or not.
you won't be late to work.
you won't lose any sleep.
life will go on without mine.
i won't even have left a mark.

i've always wanted this kind of numbness. sooo. shouldn't i be more happy?

there's a gravel road out back that leads my mind somewhere else, could take me far away from my dreams or even clsoer to them. it just depends all on the dream. every time i look it changes a little bit. for a few moments i'm someone else, anyone else. my skin doesn't matter because i never felt like anyone. i was never me- i don't even know who i am so how can i be myself? i'm bits and pieces of everyone i've ever met's worst mistakes and best lost chances. turned away or turned around- everyone has made an impact on me but have i made one on them? the only thing good about me is my writing and the cost it comes for isn't worth it. but right now i haven't been having any dreams anyway. i sleep and wake up and that's it. i just wake up feeling a little more dead every day, everytime i pull myself out of bed. dead, empty, pointless. it feels like an end is near and it feels okay. mostly because i can't feel anything anymore. do you count on your friends, is that why you number them, starting with first to worst. both feet on the ground because noone and nothing knocks you off them anymore. i set myself up for this, a starving artist feeding off abuse. i tihnk about people gunned down in the street- was it really their time, was that really god's doing? what happens to the people god has plans for that don't live to fulfill them? if he has plans for everyone is that one of them? to just be another statistic, to have your 15 minutes just be 15 seconds on the local news? i hate when i think like this, but morbid is modest and modest is me. there's eventually a point where dreams end and you no longer live seeing things through clouded, hazy eyes. you no longer think of it as "i can", it's now "i could have." there's eventually a point where "what's wrong" is everything and "what isn't" is nothing. where it's easier to list off the few good things you have vs rambling off all the bad ones. and that's the point i'm at. where not a lot can be done, but everything can be done with.

if you put too much faith in people they'll just take it right back out.

"so why not just write, just write and not think"

the person you made me think you were.

i'm ok, mostly because i realize every word i ever said wasn't about you- it was just about who i thought you were.

soo if you're wondering why i'm coping so well, think of it this way- you watch a certain movie and fall in love with the main character instantly- (like especially if the main character is played by johnny depp or is borat, just saying) but anyways the main character is always amazing, funny, charming, they have traits you never imagined anyone could have. you would date them if you could. in some ways you connect to them, and you find parts of you in them. then the movie ends and the lights come back on in the theatre and you realize the person doesn't exist. you're alone and still in the same seat as when it started. you look at your hands and you're real- but what you spent time of your life thinking about, watching, wanting- isn't. it's a bummer when it hits you everything is fiction but there's nothing that can be done about it. so really, this is just the ending credits and there won't be a sequel. you don't exist, but everyone watching you wishes you did. everyone will wake up in time. so cling now while you can before you lose them too.

that's why the games you're pulling and things you're doing don't effect me anymore. the worst thing i ever came up with or came down from. when the lights come back on you're already gone.

the town is alive and hell without you

what it should be: you should mean as much as you let me.
and what it is are never the same.
you never show me what i mean to you, only what i don't.
wish i was born with thicker skin.
maybe i should learn a little something from you:
not caring about anyone but myself.
this can be the first lesson.
everyone will let you down but yourself so if you never expect much out of yourself you'll never be let down.
people stare at car wrecks cause either-
it's something more messed up than they are, or
just that they can relate
at the end of the day i think we all just need someone to need us.
hands and hearts never matter as long as they belong to someone that's true.
hope you remember what it's like to be the only one at night awake but still dreaming anyway.
everything is about curtains and shadows anymore.
pages you skip past and being 5 minutes late.

dont worry, i hate my moodswings more than you ever could.

as long as you keep pulling at straws...

i'll keep holding them out there.
kinda weird now how even my skin feels tired and sore.
not really sure where my life is headed but at least i know where it's not.
i think i could really be your favorite-
at least always the person you say goodnight to last before your head hits the pillow.

"take your steps away from me"

funny where people leave their priorities laying around when they don't keep them in order.
and i get to literally trip over them.
fuck law i'm ruled by jealousy and insecurity.
i look sick under fluorescent lights
but fine in the "living" room,
like some fucked form of irony.
with thicker skin than our ties,
i'll forget the time i wasted- in time.
you who once gave me confidence
now remain the single source draining me of it all.
everytime you let someone else take my place they take a little of my confidence too.
i'll delete everything that reminds me of you,
i just wish i could delete the memories as easily.
it all goes away-
i think it learned that from you.
and if i can learn anything from you myself-
it's that everyone is replacable.
bodies all feel the same when the lights are out-
and love is just a 4 letter word followed by "for now" whenever you say it.
everyone in line pulls a number waiting to love you.
and mine has been up for a while now.
i'm just kind of a slow learner.
you'd think i'd notice you calling other people up-
but when my back was turned i was too busy thinking how lucky i was.
was.
you made your bed and you'll "lie" in it too.
should have never thought you'd ever stop..

"the time i would spend,
with pictures i would not send.
i watched you go from left to right,
i followed you all night.across my blinds.

you'll change your mind come monday,
and turn your back on me.
you'll take your steps away with hesitance,
take your steps away from me.

i'm making my peace,
making it with distance.
maybe that's a big mistake,
you know i'm thinking of you.
i miss you.

you'll change your mind come monday,
and turn your back on me.
you'll take your steps away with hesitance,
you'll take your steps away from me.."

..for once, i've got nothing left to say to you.
i'm not sure how i feel about that.
all that's missing are notebooks that used to be empty,
they're full of ink now,
eyes that used to be full of life,
they're easily unimpressed and rolling,
duller than the excuses you'll have for all this in the morning.
all that's missing are pages between the start and end of the calender,
what do i turn to.
it's just this is the end to something that never really got to start.

"too" also meaning i know you can live without me

i lived before you so i know i can live after you, too.

this time it's for good.

i like when people say "this time it's for good"
like it's really any good.
but the more i think about it maybe it is.
truth and trust will never be on the same team.
at least not when you're playing.
i used to look forward to you,
but now i can't even think of one nice thing to say about you anymore.
dead serious- and i hate it.
there's no more looking forward to texts,
aim names signed on by phone.
that's saved for someone else now, i guess.
whoever it is is lucky until they're in the shoes you gave me.
until they're feeling the downside of your (lack of) attention.
gray clouds over my sky and clear skies for someone else.
for now.
"favorite" wasn't "forever" but more like just "for now"
"favorite" was just for the moment until someone better had signed on.
you've probably forgot me already.
but they won't write things for you like i do.
or care like i did.
they'll be boring and not worth it in the end.
once the new car smell wears off like it must have with me.
i'm wore out from trying to believe the best from the worst people.
or is it trying to forget the worst from the best people?
i'd say "i give up" but it wasn't me that did,
cause i'm just going with the flow.
i think the worst part of it was thinking you were someone special and finding out you are just like everyone else.
thinking you'd treat me like i mattered,
but i guess i never did or will.

my worst flaw is seeing the good in people

so much for the happy and optimistic writing we now return to our regularly scheduled boo hooing, even twice as much to make up for the one time we were happy. gotta keep the regular readers happy, i guess. at any price. the weird thing about crying is it either wakes you up or makes you tired- sometimes both depending on who you are crying over. hah. sick of just being the puffyfaced snot nosed kid crying into their sleeves because noone thinks theyre worth anything. sick of letting people in. i wasnt born right. a big part of me always feels like im someone im not. so ill never be enough because really, im not completed. and now ill never believe anyone again. this is why i got so paranoid and why i should have stayed untrusting. giving someone the "benefit of the doubt" is so last year. i feel dumb for caring, for believing, for letting her in. it should have never mattered but it did and it does and there's no going back to "doesn't", only back to "alone". it'll always just be my fingerprints left on the window after looking in, never really knowing what it's like to belong. just getitng a glimpse. if you don't look in it shouldn't matter, but it's human nature to want to belong, to want to be around others instead of always on the outside. crash and burn not like flames but more like a flicker, a spark that could have mattered. i scare myself, i guess. when i plan it out, it will happen. it's just the "when" that changes. 33 days. it should be.. the only two emotions i'll ever feel are hate and hurt. unless "stupid" counts then three. instead i feel hope and that's what ever gets me in this position. i sit with my jaw dropped in surprise but nothing should shock me at this point, i could lie like you taught me to and say "i've been hurt worse by better people" but i thought you were the best. if my phone ever rings, i never even answer it i just question it- who it is, why they'd call, and who it isn't and why they won't. i wish i could be more like her and not care. shut people out. dont ever question if its not the best way. i can tell you from this side and this day that it most definitely is. sometimes i think i'd rather feel nothing than feel anything if it's going to feel like this. push the snow aside with a newspaper and save a spot for me on an empty park bench, if emotions are possessions ive got nothing left to lose.

xo.

im in love with every other line i write, until it hits the screen.

the worst thing to ever happen to love since hallmark was honesty. i pick everything apart until its a pile of words without the meaning you meant it to have. you look at me like i'm hearing something different than you said- but that's because i am. i think sometimes i ask to be picked apart by vultures while im still alive, the first thing that would go would be my determination, my will to fight. i put myself in this position, i'm vulnerable. i ask for it. i need to be needed. i think i love the attention more than the intention. i need you more than you could ever need me but at least we both know it. at least no one is confused about their role in this. the script is only a few pages long and you know the ending before it's written. there is no tragedy and there is no real victim. but no one really wins either. no matter how you feel, or what you don't- one of the luckiest things to happen to me was meeting you. one of the worst things i ever have to do is hold back and bite my tongue- and it just got a lot easier to do. it may not seem like a lot, but when you can make someone sick of living start wearing a "life"jacket i think it says a lot. for now i don't mind just existing with you.

i like to watch the sunrise every morning after i stayed up all night talking to you

i think the best part about today was i realized it no longer matters if you replace me cause ive replaced you. i dont need you to feel like i can get my goals accomplished- i finally believe in myself. im starting to get this whole new years thing, like why its a big deal or whatever. its a new year, a new start with new chances to make mistakes or make someones day, to accomplish goals. 12 new months to do over, to make better than last year. forget about whatever you did last year, basically, and make it better. or make it period. and basically, i never sleep anymore. call it a mood swing or maybe just a wake up call, but things are finally looking up. i dont even care if it can never be more than what it is, for some reason- right now what ive got is still more than enough. i really needed today and you- so thank you for that. two months looks like years, empty and blank pages to be filled look like goals i can accomplish.

and im still standin'.

i hope it keeps you up at nights.

i hope it takes your sleep like you take time, life, hearts. every story i hear about you i'd write off as just a rumor if it didn't sound like what had happened to me. think of it as like an aa support group to getting over assholes.

after all, theres snow outside. im good to go.

it didnt feel like christmas, and it never felt like the holidays, why should it feel like a new year? should it? cause really, it doesnt. hope this year words i say won't go out my mouth and then out someone else's- but that is pretty much hopeless hoping considering how many people hang on every word i say just to throw it back at me later.

people make resolutions but i'm not this year. i don't want to talk to you, not even once. not even to hear "you were right". not even to hear "im sorry" because i already know you're every meaning of the word.

bitter statements like "i hope it was worth it" are worthless. its never ever worth it but you never know it when someone says that. too bad the pieces you left me in won't be there to pick up when you realize that.

sitting in a "pulitzer prize winner (in training)" shirt, i looked back at my writing a year ago. two years ago. i look at it now and i am so proud of how far i've come.

"take heart, sweetheart, or i will take it from you."

just think if i keep improving.