"somethings are more important than being happy. like being able to think for yourself."

today ends weeks of trying, weeks of being a puppet, a collared and curious puppy, leashed and tugged back right before i get what i want. see our friendship was worth it, the only problem is you're not. how many chances are too many? when chances start becoming risks.

started reading again- hopefully reading will remind me details are not that hard. james patterson is probably the best influence i could have, he reassures me chapters don't have to be 30 billion pages long to get what needs to be said said. and to get published, though my main concern is having the books read and loved, not money in the bank. wish me luck, you may hate me but i promise you'll love my writing, and that's all i've ever cared about. my writing being read and related to. i want to prove you can do whatever you believe you can do. more people just need to hear "you can" over all of the cants and wonts. and sometimes i am still one of them.

yawns echoing in an empty room in an empty head

There are times where you wanna ask "Do you really like her or are you just bored" but you don't because you don't want to know the answer. Have I ran out of time or gained more? Honesty will kill us all. And all heros are alone until they've made a name for themselves. No one cares about construction of the building just how tall it stands at the end. Just the final product. And losing you was like gaining a clear view of how it really is, how it never really was. No hand to hold at all but no hand to hold me down or back. Losing you was like realizing you were never there in the first place. So how do you miss something that you never even had? A year ago you were just like how I am now, and now you hate me for it. Funny how when the table turns you forget what side you are on. Ill probably delete this in the morning..

well its good to know you never really existed

i no longer have to miss you or hold any regrets about it.
the mystery was a lot better when it was unsolved.
now i get why people say there's sometimes a calm in all the chaos-
tranquility in finding out bad news.
the worst is over.
it's bad but it's done. it's a solution, not a problem anymore.

he had it wrong- the sun only comes up to humilate the moon.
constellation- not like star but more like prize.

for as fucked up as i am, some people get me.
some people relate.
but no one will ever understand you.

at least i know when i close my eyes at night, theres only one person underneath them. i hope someday you can say/stay the same.

I love when I hear "_____ makes me think of you"

I like to be thought of. Good or bad should be in my control but it isn't. Blah, get over being sick just to be a whole new kind of sick. Feeling like I'm breathing through a cotton filled chest. Kind of like a carebear or some stuffed animal. Tired button eyes that can't shut also sums up my sleep pattern or lack of. Ugh.

I've learned if you live your life in fear then you're not really living. Someone gave me some homemade candy thing today. Fear of it being poisoned is not the same as above haha. No offense but its kinda at the bottom of the trashcan. Fear of dying can keep you alive sometimes. Sometimes.