"off with his head, man, off with his head"

there is only one king and the rest are imitations, waiting for him to die and take over the throne. sometimes even the king's wife wishes death on him, so sick of all the women he beds during the day while turning his back to her at night. you remind me of a commoner waiting, trying to appease and take over. wasn't it easier back then? you could solve your own "problems"- behead her if she backtalks and kill the baby if it's a girl. stupid girl, death is the easy way out/in.

trash painted gold. wrappers with the winning number printed inside. a blank data chip. yard sale bargain. antique shop jackpot. spin a web of lies and deciet so thick you get tangled up in it. oxymorons like "forgotten memories." bend and mold yourself to be something that you're not but god- with enough work you could be. it doesn't have to be thousands of years ago to feel like we're going backwards. this doesn't make sense unless you have numbers etched into your arm or bedpost. unless you have goals someone else accomplished first. unless you ever made a game anyone else has then beat you at. people that make a living out of the dead- the drained and hopeless.

oh, spendthrift, wasting words like money. when was the last time air hit your face, sun soaked your skin and you felt alive? you felt like yourself? nineteen ninty..something. wait, or have you ever at all?

wallow in the weight of your decisions, wallow in the shadow of your own uselessness. wallow in the shadow of me. as long as i am alive you'll always just be trying. you'll always be an "almost".

people say i'm trying too hard, but they haven't met you.

why don't you remember my name i guess he does....

you could make me so sick if you weren't so much like me.

keep trying.

...maybe you'll become so much like me you will eventually erase me.

everything has an expiration date.

I always have the urge to hit the "stop" button in the elevator just to see what happens. Maybe someday I will- it seems like Im always pushing buttons and all the wrong ones, right? I only push you away because I know youll let me and I need someone that wont. File me between the pages of forgotten and forgetting. Reminese a time when I mattered and remember it the way scientists remember dinosaurs. Talk about it like you were ever there. Waste time thinking instead of doing. What interested me days ago just bores me now. You overuse the word perfect. You cant use it for two people- unless theyre the exact sam eand I know were not so Im calling you on your bullshit. All I wanted was a little of your time. I want all the things you cant buy like to be needed by someone and stability. Sure- theres always something better waiting just around the corner but it takes all my strength to get there anymore. Its easier to cry and give up a few feet away. I still have a notepad open with things I was going to say three days ago. Expired. Maybe Ill x out of it. The kicked puppy finally finds a way to run away from home and realizes how alone he is. Youll always leave me alone this way. With eyes that dont know if they want to cry or wake up. Its easier to just let them win sometimes. I think you like to make me suffer and its the only way I can make you happy so I let you do it. Well, and Ill still do it...while theres still anything left of me to walk on. I try to tell myself how youre not even worth it but what choice do I have.

could have had it vs almost made it

im the secret you keep screened. the comment you delete. the mistake you had. maybe ignoring me will make me disappear. ive already tried ignoring myself but im pissed you do it better than me. a couple grand goes down to barely 600. now its zip. talking about money is a lot easier than dealing without it. every thought i have makes me hate myself a little more. i just want to be reborn. reincarnated. die and start over. a new chance to be little and loved. to be liked. i got dealt a bad hand with the middle finger aimed right at me. i really got fucked over this round.

i don't really think anybody is anyone until they are loved.

anyways, jesus wasnt really born on christmas day it was really some time in april but we still pretend we care for a few seconds of the day. but really its all just about what you get or dont get. religion could be total bullshit and we dont find out until its too late. your either gonna wish you spent your time believing in god or wish you hadn't wasted so much time believing. i dont know if im more motivated to make something of myself or if im motivated to give up. the line between the right and wrong choice is so blurred i dont know which is which. maybe in 5 years ill look back on this and laugh. maybe in 5 years people will be mourning the 5th year since ive been dead. or forgetting i was even alive by then. who even knows.

i just broke down crying and didn't even realize it until a tear hit my leg. i never did anything to deserve this.

to me christmas is just another day but a little worse. instead of getting to hear people whine about what they don't have, they whine about what they didn't get. at least they got anything at all.

things you cant see can still exist. things you cant have shouldn't. i want to sleep through a decade. freeze me until things get better.

something is wrong with me

ate for the first time in two or three days and threw it all back up just now.
and my heart wont stop racing.
i want to throw it against the wall really hard so it stops beating this fast.
or at all.
i don't want anyone to worry, it feels fake anyway.
i really think it always is.

i really tihnk im dying.

best left alone

i am, i mean.

destroy everything good you have so when you're gone you won't be missing a fucking thing.

to say im a mess is putting it lightly.
my mind is a mess of things i'd like to be-
and things i'll never be.
never happy with just what i am.

you've only got two months left to live, or so it seems.
what would you do with the days?
waste every day crying over it.
over lost love.
lost friendships.
lost loved ones.
and soon- lost life.
would you let go but never really?

like life taken from roses left to die on graves.

dead. dying.
when you're dying you might as well be dead.

write a list and call it,
these are things you'll never do-
things you only hope to.
whatever you do, whatever you list.
put fall in love first.

as long as people have a back to stab knives will go through flesh,
and as long as people are selfish they'll step on anyone they can.

then: possibilities kept me going. a bright future. a name worth knowing.
right now: i think screaming is the only emotion i've got left.

my hearts been beating a lot faster lately, like its just trying to get this done with. speed it up.
death can't come quick enough and im glad you agree.

you cant even fake feeling this shitty. why would you want to?

i can pretty much relate to the song this blog is named after

my nose almost started bleeding-
actually i think it did i just didnt see any blood.
if you can feel it but you cant see it its still there.
"let this be enough."
i wish i could pinpoint the exact time i lost my mind-
when things started mattering to me that never did before.
i dont care it just feels enough like i do to bother me.
to bother this.
id say ive become something im not but ive never been anything.
maybe one day everything i try to be will be who i am.
every day is a chance to live but im using it to die.
its a countdown, letdown, setup.
this feels more like a way early midlife crisis rather than a changing point.
"you are enough."
so why am i still pulling?
all i want for christmas is a prescription to whatever will fix me.
every time i look in the mirror i see someone else.
"theres someone calling- an angel whispers my name
but the message relayed is the same
wait til tomorrow youll be fine"
i keep yawning like i have a reason to stay awake-
my poor body doesnt know any different.
back to sleep.