if everyone is different why does it always end the same? love is something you don't recognize when you're young and you don't appreciate until you're old. cupid is the last fairy tale adults believe in before they give up. i want to write a better story than the ones i've been fed about love. i would say i don't believe in love but then i think about the old couples that have been married 40 years- that fight and panic because the other wanders too far away to the next aisle at the grocery store. that's love and nothing else comes close. it just sucks that love can't be found when you are young enough to enjoy it. all i've learned about is being burned enough to know the sound of the match striking the surface. what it's like to have sore knuckles from knocking on wood every time you said it would last. the disappointment of pulling at the last straw and it sucks. the finality of the door closing shut after an inevitable exit. the emptiness of a fully furnished room when you come home to silence. the click at the end of that last phone call. the smile you reassure people with when you say you're doing great, and nobody cares enough to notice you're lying. i could use a tune up but all i get is tuned out. after a while you care as much as the people around you do- so you learn to not care at all.
that said. for those of you feeling like your life is a waste because every time you think you found love you've found yourself alone or because another year goes by with no answer to the questions you have- you are here for a reason. your plan doesn't have to be a monument or end up in the history books, it might just be a pebble thrown on the waters of life that slowly creates a ripple affect to people around you. you are always here for a reason. the harder you expect the reason to be bold and big, the more frustrating it will be when it isn't. don't let it be. it might be a lesson to learn, it might be something you do 20 years from now. its not always obvious and it's not always known right away. have faith that you'll figure it out some day- have faith and you will.
it's been a while since i wrote in here and it probably will be until i do again. i like attempts to make my heart and hopes shatter, it somehow hits my brain instead and breaks the writers block. make me feel like i don't matter and i get the motivation to show that i do. it's a little fucked up but it is how those blank white pages become full.
