i always remember how to swim just before i'm about to sink, and it involves pulling you down with

i guess it doesnt matter so much anymore after all- impressing everyone i mean. surprise, surprise. after a while you realize that even the best films ever made and the best books ever written have bad reviews. youre a star in the eyes of who you matter to- and that is what matters. to those that you dont they wont ever see past the talk and the tabloids, the lies and the speculation. but tabloids stay in business for a reason and thats because lies are always more fascinating. lies are always more interesting.

and lies sell.

let me be honest- you think you know me but i dont even know me anymore so how can you? how can you know me when i dont even have all the details down. im whatever i feel like being and nothing else. over the years ive just been clay waiting for a fitting mold. only a few things about me are truly me- my likes, dislikes, what i love. those never change. everything else... well, maybe that is what makes me me- always trying to be someone im not because i'm not happy with who i am. but is anyone ever happy with who they are? im only ever happy with my sense of humor- everything else id love to rearrange and change. all i can do is exist and if i am not doing it right to you then pretend i don't.

one thing i've noticed is how you can't really trust certain people on this site, and how your best friend will turn around and shittalk you to me and then smile and leave you loving testimonials with html hearts. i almost pmed you the convo. i almost emailed it. but nah, you deserve to be used since you are a user. i deserve to get to laugh when you finally realize it for yourself. im just glad my "best" friends dont talk shit on me, and i know what they say they mean.

so yeah, i guess there's a lot about me that screams pathetic- but why are you listening if you really don't care? and i guess there's a lot about me that seems pitiful- but no one makes you pay attention. why are you keeping tabs? why are you reading this? why is it so interesting? why are you interested?

most of all... there are plenty of other people to give your time to- people that want it. i don't.

dear world, i cant handle you

i have trouble breathing sometimes, and i fight back tears that are going to be the end of me. this is weakness at it's strongest which is kind of weird when you think about it- if you can even think anymore. worst day ever topped off by heartless displays of no restraint and words slung at open wounds. i guess its my own fault for leaving myself open. everyone wins and i don't care because i never tried to. i never made life a game, and maybe if i had i'd be more successful at it.

i told you i dont want you so stop trying to push me away more- im gone. and so are you as far as i am concerned. leave me alone. you only make things worse when i thought they were as bad as they could get. seek help.

time is all i've got and i'm running out of it by my own will- if this is 'time' then i want to sleep past it. lies are what you imagine and excuses never seem to run out.

allie- if i fall short of finishing my two books i hope you finish them for me, you know both ideas.

i love you. but is this ever enough to keep going? im calling in sick (of myself) tomorrow.

if youve got nothing to hide then youve got nothing to live for.

i think the best feeling ever is feeling nothing from something someone says to you- finally accomplishing that goal of being immune and having moved on. once the dust settles and theyre left behind then they will have no choice but to let go too.

despite what john grisham tries to tell us in his newest book- you can only be convicted of a crime if its actually a crime and your actually guilty. inno(non)sense until proven guilty.

all the shit ive been put through would clog new york city sewers. i hope they take you away, lock you up and throw away the key(board).

love isnt a word to throw around like a baseball until you break someones window/heart- take a time out until youre t(old) enough to play the game. you cant blackmail your way into forever. pick up the pieces that i made fall apart from your grand scheme and put them back together in a different way. youll see your better off(the deep end).

tomorrow the city lights will pass by in a blur on the way to my job the way they always do-
life will go on without you so you can go on without me.

you have to open up your hands to let go, so hold one out to someone else. if you hold it out to me ill just slap it away.

...ever read that story about the guy that could only say 100 words a day, and by the end of the day he always made sure to save three words for his girlfriend, and he would sit in silence and listen to her breathing if he had run out of words. maybe i just made that up but it sounds like something that is real.

it doesnt matter how cold it is outside if it is always july in your mind. i just want to know what its like to fall in love.

i like to pick at scabs because they remind me that i'm real

tonight the air chokes any lungs brave enough to go outside and breathe it.
tonight the radio plays only our favorite song-
on every station-
luring you to stay inside.
tonight the birds fly away from us overhead in a flock of a v,
and taking our troubles with them for the winter-
only with the very last littlest bird carrying the most.
but by the spring we'll find some reason to be miserable enough again.
she's got a smile that keeps love in business-
romantics hoping-
and so much life gnc would kill to sell in pill form.
as for me if i got ahold of those pills?
well, i'd overdose.
she has the opposite of everything i've got.
i know that it's unhealthy to hold the glass this close to your lips.
sometimes i want to be reunited with my lost love...
sometimes i want to be that made for tv movie...
the success story.
sleep tugs at my eyelids the way i pull the blankets up to my shoulders every night.
safeandsnug.
focus more on what you have instead of what you lost and don't have.
focus more on what you have instead of what you (don't even) need.
focus more on sleep before the sun.
games are for competitors-
and this is no contest.
let's beat them at their own name.
i'll hold your hand to my heart if you hold me to every word i ever said.

remember what it was like when we could breathe?

i am going to lose my mind and you'll be the first one to find it because you keep fucking stalking me. i wouldn't be surprised if you didn't already somehow know this blogspot too.

i may lie sometimes but i've never meant anything more than when i say i wish i'd never met you.

my heartbeat is irregular

i am probably going to write the most insane chapter of my book right now and it'll probably be the best one and the one that makes it finally start to come together right now (over me.) i've wrote the beginning and i've wrote the end- now let me write now. if anyone can write about obsession it's me- i've learned enough about it from being on greatestjournal...

you will miss me when i'm too far out of sight and reach. i promise.