oh man. that one didn't even bruise my ego

or leave a scrape.
maybe like a few years ago, but this april marks 3 years sooo... next time try to save your dramatic insults and hit closer to home.
when you say worst i'm not even close to being the first to come to mind when it comes to the worst. not in anyones mind.
deep down, you know it.
despite dumb decisions, i've got a smart brain and a way with words you wish you had.
you hate that i do this effortlessly.
inspiration comes from everything for me.
it doesn't take me weeks to write an update.
it doesn't even take me days.
it never stops.
you want to be me, because you think you'd do it better.
someone once said to me the crazy make the most history.
i no longer care what's said to my face behind a screen, or mumbled in a locked journal entry.
so why am i writing about it if i don't care? well, to be honest... because i'm fucking amazed that i don't care. that it doesn't hurt. at all.
god. it feels great to NOT care.
i mean, people are gonna talk- nothing i can do about it.
to each his own opinion.
and i'll worry about your opinion when it affects me, until then you're just a blank face staring at a screen.
i am above you, but less like level of maturity and more like a thunderstorm.
imagine reign instead of rain.
give me your worst, it's better off than my worst. my worst is better than your best.
deal with it.
and you?
i'm the best that ever happened to you.
even if you don't know it now,
one day you'll be thinking back to this moment wishing you could do it all over again.
that's what i love about life.
even at my worst i'm still doing better.
every time i think i reached a low something pulls me out of it, into the arms of someone better.
will you still want to dangle me from a cobweb at the back of your mind when you see i'm all that is on someone else's?

i never wanted to be like this but who ever gets what they want

the world is different outside at midnight, a lot scarier, but people arent any more dangerous than they are in the day- it just feels that way. its actually better because there arent as many people around. not even the moon tonight. no one wants to witness this. met a cool drunk girl i'll never see again that you couldnt write to life. fiction is always a lot better in the flesh.

i want to punch a wall.
i want to be the wall, but thats impossible because im always breaking down.
i can't feel aynthing but stupid.

she's signing on to check on me and see if im okay, but its just an allusion to make sure i'm still pressed under her thumb.
when she signs off she's already got osmeone else in mind.
you'll never be enough to keep her happy.
let alone keep her.
when you lose your cool shes either just rolling her eyes or laughing at you. neither reaction is favorable.

i saw this moment in a dream, only living it out is a nightmare. call it paranoia but my insides feel like they are fighting with themselves for no real reason. i have songs stuck in my head that i don't even know, i've never even heard before. i'll live on but part of me just died. done t/rusting away. it feels more like my brain is working too hard but not letting me in on anything going on with it rather than not working at all. but you are never sure what is worse. tonight killed the last part of me that had any good left in it, that had any faith.

why have morals if you have no one to keep them with. it wasnt me that changed, it was you. and that changed me. ne w me.

1000 to 1200 mg

im starting to think ive been sleeping through the best times of my life- i don't know how else to explain never having any.

i've noticed how when you want to lie you'll lay down for anyone.

fiction always has a little truth to it, any great author knows that. even the not so great ones. this was written based on you. "it never rains in california" but it always feels like rain in places like seattle, even without the actual rain. days to him were spent inside sleeping, sulking, and nights standing at windows looking out at what he's missing. the answering machine kicked on and after a beep she said "i love you" but it was just more like a pause in conversation. a pause in a lifespan. a filler. "i love you" she said it with a pause before she hung up, either a hesitated pause, a "oh fuck what did i just do" or she expected to hear it back somehow. or more likely, it was cut off. like, "i love you- for now." not forever. the only forever she knew was whoever's phone ringing and ringing. forever was the same empty spot in her bed next to her. before, she'd sing to him on the answering machine, mostly because all the boys she tried to call before were out with another girl. she knew he never was. but he never listen to any of them. it's just same thing everytime. he always just clicked delete. there's never any real feeling to it. she just needs to feel needed. at the edge of her bed and the end of her rope, the phone fell out of her hands as one last time for the night, she admitted defeat. she'd start over, the same list, the same people, first thing in the morning. hopeless holly. desperate donna. she's got a new name if you've got the time. any you care to spare she'll take. "i love you." when it was said from her lips was never really what it was meant to be. it was more like "i need you" or "i want you", love was still at the end of fables. on the tv screen written into scripts. she wished her life was fiction so that love could be real. she was so far from finding it. after all, someone else had wrote the book on love, all she could do was read it and try to understand. try to relate to something she'd never really felt. and all he was was a sheet to fall back on and be caught up with when everyone else let her go. someone to catch her when no one else is there. and he knew it, so he knew better than to fall for it. "i love you" was said because her best friend slept with her boyfriend and now she was alone again. "i love you" was said because she was stood up at the movie theatre. her date never showed but her disappointment did. it was written all over her face, and her voice on the phone. "i love you" was said because she didn't have a date to the dance, and she'd rather not go than go alone. all she wanted was someone to hold her. but that was the problem- she just wanted anyone. no standards. when you love like a river everyone is going to be the rain on your parade, no one will be anything but a current or a wave. no one could ever tell just when those innocent gold eyes got tarnished. born with bad luck. he was always there for her but not the way she wanted. friends only. still, he was all she ever knew. he'd always be there at the other end of the IM, the phone, but he was never enough. he was never enough the same way she was never enough for him. some people spend all of their lives never being enough. every day she'd call, he'd hang up. he knew he was a number in line and no one likes waiting in lines, ever. she never learns this so he never cares. nobody wants her. and it just goes on and on until he changes his phone number. the story goes on because she still knows where he lives. but he wasn't the one that needed to change anything, it was her.