sleep is only for people who don't need it

cannot possibly lower my standards for friendship any lower without having any and yet still facing day to day disappointments. i don't think i ask for a lot. it doesn't matter if i did- it wouldn't be heard anyway.

fuck.

i hope i am never desperate enough to talk to you again- it is borderline always your lucky day and borderline always my worst. i don't know if i would be happier with the attention you'd mask as only for me or if i would be playing russian roulette every day waiting for you to fuck me over again. whatever.

was i supposed to learn a lesson this life? all i've learned is how to get continually put on the back burner and burned. both out of sight and out of my mind. i'd like a restart at any time.

speaking of restarts- i keep giving second chances only for them to die on the same level as they did before. bummer.

the end of a chapter but a new one starts next page

if everyone is different why does it always end the same? love is something you don't recognize when you're young and you don't appreciate until you're old. cupid is the last fairy tale adults believe in before they give up. i want to write a better story than the ones i've been fed about love. i would say i don't believe in love but then i think about the old couples that have been married 40 years- that fight and panic because the other wanders too far away to the next aisle at the grocery store. that's love and nothing else comes close. it just sucks that love can't be found when you are young enough to enjoy it. all i've learned about is being burned enough to know the sound of the match striking the surface. what it's like to have sore knuckles from knocking on wood every time you said it would last. the disappointment of pulling at the last straw and it sucks. the finality of the door closing shut after an inevitable exit. the emptiness of a fully furnished room when you come home to silence. the click at the end of that last phone call. the smile you reassure people with when you say you're doing great, and nobody cares enough to notice you're lying. i could use a tune up but all i get is tuned out. after a while you care as much as the people around you do- so you learn to not care at all.

that said. for those of you feeling like your life is a waste because every time you think you found love you've found yourself alone or because another year goes by with no answer to the questions you have- you are here for a reason. your plan doesn't have to be a monument or end up in the history books, it might just be a pebble thrown on the waters of life that slowly creates a ripple affect to people around you. you are always here for a reason. the harder you expect the reason to be bold and big, the more frustrating it will be when it isn't. don't let it be. it might be a lesson to learn, it might be something you do 20 years from now. its not always obvious and it's not always known right away. have faith that you'll figure it out some day- have faith and you will.

it's been a while since i wrote in here and it probably will be until i do again. i like attempts to make my heart and hopes shatter, it somehow hits my brain instead and breaks the writers block. make me feel like i don't matter and i get the motivation to show that i do. it's a little fucked up but it is how those blank white pages become full.

leave your fingerprint on the world: but when has the cement already dried?

i wish people put a little thought into what they were saying before they said anything. the sequences of consequences. i've become so detached i could let anything go right now and not feel a thing. no- i don't want to be like that but i am and looking back at how it felt to care about anything and anyone? i kind of like it. i don't know what has happened to me but i want to live without pressure, without a schedule, with time to write out the ideas in my head that aren't "boring" and "all the same", to keep dropping weight and dropping baggage. to drop boundaries, both natural and man-made ones. to see the best in people that have turned their lives around and to see the worst in people i should stay away from. there are people to be shy around and people to shy away from. some people make mistakes, some people are mistakes. i like to think i'm not the latter. i like to think i haven't started doing anything i was meant to do and i'm on the right path to figuring out exactly what that is. i'd like to think there's more to this world than being a stranger's fading memory.

my heart is ticking down to my last day

torn between proving the world wrong and somehow overcoming obstacles or making one person suffer by never writing again- never giving them anything to hold onto or emulate (they get it wrong anyway, everything they do). logic and being realistic, the truth that kills that spark of hope in your eyes. at some point you give up- you stop believing in magic and in yourself. life loses the shine that draws you to it. life stops being a never-ending journey with twists and turns and unlimited possibilities and it just becomes... something you have to get through to end up somewhere better. life turns into something with only one path leading to one outcome: an inevitable dead end with no u-turns. there are some days you don't expect to make it out of, and by the time your body hits the bed you realize tomorrow can't come soon enough- but why are we looking forward to a new day when it's going to be a repeat of the next. is there a point? what can you really do to change your life in a matter of a day? unless you suddenly come across a large amount of money or you drive out of town and start your life over tomorrow is just another day. i used to see the bigger picture but now i've found myself waiting this life out to get to the next one. chances gone and feeling wiser by feeling nothing.

congratulations- this is the one time i will give you attention. your existence is a contradiction because you don't- you exist by not existing, this is how you make a living: by dying. by making yourself as insignificant as possible and using it as your campaign slogan to get voters buying into your bullshit. you're making yourself miserable to feel something, to feel pity and needed because you can't get love and affection by being yourself. that's too boring isn't it? if you are miserable you have company, you don't have anyone when you're happy again. if nobody is worrying about you then how can you know they care? and if you let yourself be happy you'll lose it anyway, right? that girl you've been harassing to date you won't stick around when she realizes there's nothing underneath the surface, and the girls lonely enough to love you online will stop answering your HELP ME PLZ ims when they get tired of the same thing every other day. outgrow this soon before people outgrow you. you'll become a fad just like your mood, if you're even liked enough to be a fad in the first place. it gets old and so will you. crying wolf all the time nobody will take it seriously when it really is the final curtain- what a hairy situation.

i will get past this writers block, but i will never let you know it when i do.

the things we never finish and how they can finish us: part two

it always takes the worst moods for me to write one of these. i think by now nobody will even think to check it. the past few days i realized no matter how hard i try to make anyone happy- i cannot and i will not ever make anyone happy. my life is a circle that cuts through jagged rocks and cactus plants continually, only occasionally will i stumble on some sort of oasis in the desert. i used to wonder how i made it this far, why there are people dying all around me and on the news and why it's not me. why am i so special i get to live and waste my life while important people doing something with theirs die? (rip nate henn). no really, why? it still does not make sense to me. maybe it means my purpose has not been achieved, but i think i just slip under the radar unnoticed.

if you cry and youre alone nobody hears your tears but you. this is both good and bad. bad because you do, and you realize no one else cares enough to. and good because the only people that would be around to hear it would be the ones to make you cry more in the first place. all that can come to mind is how can you kick a friend when they're already down? what good is pushing everyone away if the one person you let in through the cracks is the one that breaks you completely? the one that gives you a tear stained tattoo.

this is not the life i wanted, i should have gave up years ago. growing up i had so many dreams- had so many goals. i wanted to be a writer so badly. i wanted people to like what i wrote- to want to read it. i wanted to touch lives and make them feel better when they read my books somehow. to get lost in a fictional world because reality is impossible to escape. but now ive come to accept that i have made too many bad choices, and took the lazy route for far too long. i will never become anything i wished to be. anything i could have done then i cannot do now. i think i was an awful person in a past life and i am unable to turn things around in this one no matter how hard i try. i hope one day that you look back on the time you knew me, and you remember only the good and you will miss me.

i am unstable, i am determined, and i am a mess. having nothing to lose means having nothing to leave behind. nothing to tie you down. for all the weight on my shoulders i can fly free if i want. and yet still i stay for the simple hope that you turn things around before its too late, and you will see the good in something i cant even see anymore. this either makes me really smart, really dumb, or really unforgettable. i only wish it was the latter.

but in case i do fly away, here's some old things i wrote. it will probably be all i ever can manage to get out:

http://butitsmydestinytobethekingofpain.blogspot.com/

theres a constant battle of fight or flight going on at all times

sometimes im okay with the thought of dying and being a spot on your conscience for my after life.

who i relate to more shifts with how i am treated.

"a kid is like a puppy, you kick one around enough it starts to feel like its done something wrong." one meal today and im still not hungry again. did my body suddenly forget i need food to live or are other things just on my mind? i get that whole "every time you go away you take a piece of me with you" thing, but do people continually feel like something is missing or do they get over it and become stronger? i sit here trying to process what just happened and there is no logical explanation for it. i could scrape every corner of my brain or even yours for some sort of reason- something to close my eyes easier at night besides magnolia bark and tylenol pm- but i know there isnt a reason that has anything to do with me. that alone makes things easier and more complicated at the same time. do i play the victim or innocent bystander caught in a crossfire? i feel empty and not just my wallet. but that is a big part of it. if this was some sort of way to liberate yourself all you freed yourself from was the only person that was dumb enough to care about you. money doesnt grow on trees but fools with money seem to keep falling out of them. tv shows shouldnt feel like a punch to the gut. neither should friendships. unless you are tyler durden. im watching what i say, a few cheap digs might leave you six feet under. everything happens for a reason, so if im quiet for a while- im trying to find it. but thank you. i mean it. its a lot easier to hate you than like you. its also a lot cheaper, too.

more humid than human

life sucks and everyones heard it, they've lived it, even those born with a silver spoon in their mouth eventually will find a way to gag on it. but don't expect a helping hand to be reached out from day one to day none for anything but to slap you and shove you back down. to point a finger at you, to place the blame on another s(h)elf. think of the walmart black friday sale where the poor employee got trampled to death. you are a welcoming mat in front of a door that holds opportunity behind it. you will be in the way. you won't be noticed as a human being but as a tool for means of advancement. you will be stepped on. you will have footprints and scars, you will feel pain and regret long after your name is forgotten. the more you cry the harder you die. the bigger target you become. this is everything in the world that's hidden behind wallpaper, behind painted pictures of flowers that won't ever die on ink that will slowly fade. deteriorate. it's whats been painted over but chips in time. fill pieces of nothing into the sockets and pretend that theres still a light on upstairs, but all the activity is going down and out. its the ground we pave over and build streets on, its the muddy bodies of water with murdered bodies in water. nobody wants to hear about the bad times, nobody wants to hear about the good times unless there is material or status gain. unless they get a piece of the action. a line in your will and then a will for their line. there is sunshine somewhere but you have to get through the darkest days to see it, through the coldest people to feel any warmth. i used to see the beauty in the world, what made my vision get blurry? or am i seeing more clear now, now that i can see how ugly and selfish it is? this is truth, and it is rough. there's something wrong with me to look forward to an epidemic, to hope i get h1n1 just to cough on you. to watch the world die, the good people along with the bad because there's no savior that can tell the difference when he looks in our eyes, when he has a conversation with us. every single person i thought would heal wounds made more. blood should become a new accessory, it does no good on the inside. this is my karma and i'm going to suffer it out for a few days like a bad cold. but i will get over it, and i will get by. reverse "oz"mosis, where the color fades and the world is black and white. good and evil. no in between. its so simple when you realize the world is only out to finish you. think of it like a video game, one challenge after the next and each only gets tougher despite how much experience you gain. sometimes you even have to start over. and people complicate the journey more than they help it. they try to slip the blindfold over your eyes and pretend that its not the curtain call. but no, it's not cold outside because its seeping over from how you are on the inside. the sun is not going to shine tomorrow just so you can see your way to another way to fuck me over. the end of the tunnel has a light, and its started by a match, and a couple is a match, and a match starts a fire, and a light is a fire. can you twist everything you want to sound how you want it to? my words fall off your ears and you only hear your own. but you are a tiny pebble in a pile of rocks. have you done anything significant? will you? you like me the most when i hate everything about me. well, sorry. there are not light switches to emotions, there is only a hope that starts to dim and a memory that starts to fade. you forget the details in time. and the world does not revolve around you but fuck. i'd be lying if i said it hadn't stopped for a second at one point, back when i did still care about you. it stopped long enough for me to get a good enough look at you and show you gravity in the form of turning my back on you. i still carry the knife wound, it's a reminder, much better than any post it note or blackberry alert. there are paul bearers waiting on bridges and rooftops like ambulance chasing lawyers. we may waste forever trying to find the good in life. we may waste the good in life trying to find forever. i lost my wide eyed innocence somewhere in between.

The kind of friends that steal flowers from another grave to leave on yours.

Phase 2. I've finally reached phase 2 and I have never wanted to have to face it yet. Dreaded the day even. Detached. It was a blue print in a master plan I thought would be cool to have but now it has been put into action. I thought I would be more excited than I am for this. I feel like this is a video game and I've leveled up but I'm sitting here thinking "what the fuck" in my new environment, facing the same enemies who have grown stronger, wondering if I have as well... but each tear and bruise making me doubt it. My hit points and health meter are down to a dangerously low level. Recovering feels more like a year long rehab than a simple power up around the corner. There's a reset button in my head and someone found out where and pressed it while pushing all my other buttons. Blinking and napping have never felt like such a restart as this suddenly has, but this one will probably be wasted as well. Make promises to see how creatively they can be broken. Sitting outside I feel a million miles out of my own skin, staring up at birds that probably are as frustrated at the lack of direction in their escape routes as I am. The frustration brings me to tears if I let it. But I swear to God it feels like I haven't blinked in an hour. I can't hear my own thoughts over the beating of my heart. Maybe it is a defense mechanism. Can you still see the beauty in a dying flower? Has it died with you? The whole field has turned to wilting gold. It smells like tomorrow being filtered through yesterday. The air is thick and warm, it feels as if it's been breathed in and out until it doesn't make sense anymore. Shelved out. Every buried doubt reaching up from the ground and pulling at my ankles with skeletal fingers. Resurfacing behind my back. Making sure I haven't forgotten I don't belong where I want to be. Or anywhere.

I blame myself for everything, still taking all the blame doesn't fill this emptiness.

Replaced. Shipped. How I feel no longer matters, and the only time my feelings were paid attention to were long enough to make sure I knew how little I mean to you. Got it (or technically, don't). I shut off the part of me that feels anything. What I could never do to you. You think I would learn by how easily it has been done to me over and over, but I will never understand how to restock someone who means something to me. How long have you had this replacement waiting? When the new me breaks down or isn't as colorful as what you expected me to be, maybe I will be here.

Attachmeant. This is NOT what you do to me but what I let you do to me.

And honestly, I am destroyed. Nothing but now complex mechanics that are in temporary or permanent disarray. I lost a part of me, and I don't think I want that part back.

Happy now?

your third wheel has been derailed.

the cleaner my apartment looks the more crowded my head feels. i wish it was as easy to clear my head as it was to delete files or clean up trash and throw it away. i want to dump out a bunch of old cache and pretend i dont know better because i dont have permanent files waiting to be brought up again. just pretend the things said and did to me years ago just didnt happen and arent fresh in my mind if i just think back. i want to honestly approach things with an irreplaceable innocence and wide eyes but even then i know ill be crushed harder and memories are just cushions to stop the fall. guess blogging is the closest way to clear your head but then you can always reread it and then its always more puke than therapeutic. i want to forgive you but i dont know which personality of yours to start with. that would have made it easier, you know, if you had kept to one persona. "please give a little respect to me" most people ask for it, beg for it even. not demand it. in a world of upset stomachs and unearned tears i dont think ive ever heard anyone demand it. theres a song to fit every single person and some people are just remixes. overplayed. summer jams. bsides. one hit wonders. hits from 10 years ago.

i should be trying to write a book right now. im sick of failure and mediocrity. i keep complaining about my life and where i am but only i can change that. i cant keep getting new ideas and letting old ones be replaced by each new one because its an endless circle. nothing is getting done. i need to stop making excuses and start making something of myself. the sad thing is i can get out of this slump if i TRY. basically ive been sitting in a ditch with the ladder to get out right next to me, but ive been waiting for a more expensive one to drop in because the one i have doesnt look good enough. i talk myself out of stepping onto it cos it might somehow break. i want something sturdier. but still, even sitting six feet under every single day i realize how lucky i am to have nothing physically wrong with me. i do thank god for that. i can walk, i can see, i can hear, i can dress myself, its dumb to be thankful for things like that but some people dont have what you take for granted. you can only be what you were born with, what you were given to work with. wanting to be anyone else is useless. change and try new things that interest you until you find who you are, but dont pretend to be someone else. pep talk yourself into believing in you and all you can be. never settle. that is part of why i wanna make it, because i want to show that you can make it if you just never give up on what you have and who you are.

and for the record, i really do love i am legend. read it. it will make you want to be the last person alive instead of dreading feeling like you are.

ps- oh and i watched iron man yesterday and loved it. hulk sucked but this made up for it, it doesnt take a lot in a super hero movie to make me happy. "proof that tony stark has a heart". cheesy, but i loved the whole thing.

until i get back into real posts...

http://twitter.com/lastpersonalive

i need a new one of these or none at all

post im most likely to disguard in a few days but i might delete this whole thing anyway. not sure.

movies ive dusted off (i never get around to watching movies) and finally watched for the first time this week:
-se7en was pretty good.
-gone in 60 seconds was slightly better than fast and furious mostly because it kind of had a plot. kind of.
-click was pretty good but stopped being funny and got pretty sad actually. or maybe im overly emotional right now. i dont think comedies are supposed to make you sad. i think i am programmed weird.
-the devil wears prada is better than i thought it would be but still not too great.
-the hulk sucked really bad i am not sure there was a point to it and normally i love super hero books. it had potential and edward norton. still not sure what happened there.

looking forward to xmen 4/prequel. it could be wolverine smoking a cigar for 3 hours whining and bitching and id be happy. i have no expectations for the film and cant possibly be let down.

this is probably the last post i will make here. i may or may not start a new blog. want a real place i can update.

you want what you dont have until you have it then you dont want it anymore. when you lose it you want it back.

i wish they sold focus and memories in pill form. i need to be more dedicated, stricter, and a hell of a lot less wavering.

gonna have my palms read again soon.

sometimes i depress myself with thoughts of things i cant control. i get hung up on being left out to dry. i want to take a vacation from my own head and maybe it would help with my writers block. sometimes i want to not feel anything again except for inspiration because i am in need of it. and i like when i can actually make other people happy. that is all that makes me happy anymore. being useful to someone else because im hardly useful to even myself anymore.

fact.

it has been a while since i wrote in this, funny how this is what starts it up again.

i get that you may not have balls but that doesn't explain guts being missing. i should have seen right through you. i guess friendship to you is defined as how long you can keep someone around until their use is up or someone that has more to offer to you can place higher. acetaminofiend. social evolosetion. replacemeant. gotcha. loud and clear. glad i didn't have much to offer in your opinion because that would have meant someone like you would have been in my life longer. yuck. back to where we started, which is inevitably the end.

spotted more than a leopard and more sneaky than a snake. flakey like a snowstorm, thoughts scattered like pepper. you have winter in your center and fall in your steps. empty handed and hearted, i fall back to where i started.

i'm disappointed but not shocked.

totally unrelated, on a better note to someone who has become a better person over the years- i missed you. i think we could make a good team.

no day is a waste. no life is either.

"you don't have to have a reason to live to stay alive." still we aren't sure if we have a reason to live or not while we still keep on living. waiting. sometimes the wait is reason enough. dying is being dead whether you're rich, famous, poor, known, or forgotten for years. money or lack of makes no difference. some people take no pity for the homeless, they're hopeless and homeless. they judge them as losers that are stuck without a place to live because they don't have a job- and they don't have a job because they don't WANT a job. they got an addiction so it's their own fault. their families don't want anything to do with them and that's their own fault too. they cut ties, move states, get kicked out of their homes, lose their homes or are evicted. yes. sometimes that is the case. but a lot of times, it's not. some of them are so rude, so hateful, that the only change you give them is changing your mind about helping them out. still a life is a life. no matter how you spend it, or how it's taken away.

home is where the heart is, but you can still have heart even without a home.

i'm a sucker for true stories, i like fact over fiction. i think to me it somehow has a bigger impact when it's actually happened instead of somebody thinking it up. there's a book i read a few weeks ago that was a true crime story. this couple named the copelands hired homeless people from a nearby mission to tend their farms. not to mention open bank accounts and write bad checks to buy cattle with. back then, nobody really did bad check scans or had a way to ask a bank if there was really $35,000 in this account, they took each other's word. afterwards, ray copeland would then would kill the homeless men with a single shot through the back of the head. the longest they got to live was til the next cattle sell or til the checks came in the mail. ray copeland had no remorse about what he was doing and couldn't care less because it was like he almost felt he was doing the homeless a favor. one painless quick shot to the back of the head instead of making it day by day asking for change and hoping to catch a lucky break. actually, the truth is from what i can tell, ray didn't care about anyone but himself. not even his wife and children. ray, after years of writing bad checks himself and taking the blame, thought he finally had a flawless plan to fuck the system. luckily, one wise homeless guy caught onto the loopholes in the story, and got away. he immediately told authorities, who at first had trouble finding bodies and any proof of what they were told- but soon after did. now the couple is/was on death row. oldest couple to ever make it on there. as i was reading it, it was funny how the guy that got away reminded me of this person right away.

you wouldn't want to be near him enough to hug him no matter how sorry you felt for him but you'd still give him your coat right off your back. beat up almost daily while being robbed by kids barely 15 or 16 outside of elementry schools, he kept going to the mission and sleeping every day. when telling of what happened and why he had a black eye or bruises, he would shrug it off as if he deserved what people did to him, as if it was a part of life he had to accept. it made me think of somebody kicking a puppy that can't defend itself. it was sickening to hear about. though every single day no matter what happened the day before he remained a nice guy- waking up and repeating his day the same way. never angry. he was an alcoholic drinking mouthwash and swearing it was for his teeth. 48 years old. used to work at subway, used to work at a dj station, now passing out in front of buildings with a bottle of mouthwash in his hand. he has a daughter somewhere. she either doesn't care or doesn't know how her father ended up, such as i don't even know where mine is- he could be homeless for all i know. it is just that someone somewhere down the line forgot family takes care of one another. he kept going the same ways, he knew his days were numbered and yet only counted the change he got each day to make it by. it's sad to think about life, i used to wonder how he kept going and why he kept going. instead of saving up, he'd use the money people gave him to buy mouthwash. once and a while food. he had a lot of money some days, he could have saved up and got back on his feet (even though the hospital amputated his toes instead of trying to save them last winter) but he chose not to. but i don't think anyone chooses to die. i don't think anybody chooses to be beyond saving they just somehow end up that way. there just somehow someway stops being that option. homeless. abandoned. dumped. rejected. but nobody wants to be hopeless. not even people that kill themselves. they just weren't strong enough.

life is short. there is no way to sugarcoat this: i see homeless people and i'm thankful that i have a place to live, i see disabled people and i'm lucky that i have both my legs and both of my arms, that i can see and i can hear, that nothing is wrong with me. i can't imagine how i would feel so i feel blessed to be able to not know exactly what it's like to really suffer. to be blind, to be in a wheelchair, to be without hearing. are you thankful for that? i really admire anyone who is disabled and still living every day, still making it through. anyone who is down and out on their luck but keeps waking up because they can. i don't think it ever really registers to anybody though, just how lucky they are to be alive and healthy until somebody almost dies. until somebody does die. then life suddenly becomes very short. i plan on spending a lot more time with my grandparents, a lot more time with people that if they died tomorrow, part of me would too.

whatever you do, just wake up and be thankful that you are reading this, that you are alive, and that you are doing well- even if you are dumped, rejected, suffering from a broken heart. be thankful even if you forget this tomorrow, be thankful for today. and god really doesn't give us more than we can handle until we stop trying to. so don't stop trying.

"you are a good person, you know that?"

r.i.p alan.